Who is She?
I would like to turn off all news channels, go hiking on this lovely day before my birthday. I would like to erase from memory that image of a river of blood which one of the witnesses of the Paris massacre described seeing from the window of his apartment.
But She is pleading with me to hear her.
And I know exactly how She feels.
She tells me through all She has given me that She loves and cares for me.
So I can’t just go up the mountain today and turn my back on Her.
Who is She?
She is Peace Herself as I imagine Her.
Weeping.
What does She say?
Left alone after the crowds have dispersed; kneeling over the blood-stained cobblestones,
She is waiting for me to speak up for Her. She tells me how grateful She is for all I’ve done so far but, She implores:
Look, honey, I need you to step it up a bit before it’s too late. Julia, my darling girl, She says, don’t wait till that river of blood runs through your backyard.
I know how She feels because, you see, the one Orphan hidden in the deepest recesses of my secret Self is the one who’s been waiting for someone to speak up for her, the same way Peace has been waiting for me and you to rally on Her behalf.
Such a perfect assignment
And wouldn’t you know, Life, that master trainer has gifted me with the perfect job to help that wailing child grow up.
In the Fertile Heart Ovum Practice we learn that our inner Orphans can’t grow up without being seen and heard. Often, they need to be seen and heard over and over and over again until the emerging Visionary can actually take a few steps out of the Orphanage.
Life in its astonishing wisdom has recruited me to an assignment in which that Orphan is perpetually lured out of hiding.
If I were a baker or candle stick maker, people would have no trouble commenting on Facebook about my spectacular candles and cakes.
But to say a word or two after the hours we have spent, digging for the golden nugget of truth, that’s an entirely different story.
“Shame factor infertility” is perhaps the most insidious of all fertility challenges. Which means that 99 our of a 100 moms are ashamed to acknowledge our relationship. So the gist of literally thousands of thank you notes I received over the years:
“This work changed my life……..My baby wouldn’t be here…..If there is anything I can do, let me k now…..The only thing I can’t do is share my story, because, you see, not even my best friends know know that I went through this. They don’t know that…xyz….”
Orphans in the romper room, yours and mine
Oh how wonderful, says my wise Visionary grown up Self watching the Orphans head for the romper room.
But our Orphans don’t grow up left behind in the romper room.
And we don’t get to be born into our braver Selves by staying safely tucked in in our comfort zone.
Nor do we grow up in a vacuum.
Our Visionaries are born through engaging with each other, hearing each other in a sacred space we co-create that ignites life in myriad forms.
The Visionary is born through revealing our fragile Selves to one another; through relationships with people who support us in living our way into a brand new, unfamiliar reality.
How lucky I am to have been assigned such a perfect job.
To be offered a chance to hear that small speechless child over and over again as she grows into the Mama who knows that she is now grown up enough not only to speak up for herself and her work, but for everything else she believes in.
How lucky to be offered a chance to grow into an adult who also knows that the less she needs outspoken allies, the more readily they will appear at her doorstep.
An adult who can keep her commitment to gratefully show up at her work station and welcome all who knock on the door of this schoolhouse.
How lucky I am to be challenged by the Master Teacher to keep growing into an adult who can let the Orphans loose in the romper room and then bow, bow, bow to what is.
The tug of desire
An adult who bows to what is and then dares to respond to the tug of desire to be born into a braver version of herself. To keep asking for more without demanding it; to keep asking for what she needs from a centered, generous place.
Because if we don’t learn how to speak up and ask for what we need, there is little hope that someone will read our mind.
If Peace doesn’t show us that She will lose the battle without us, how will we know to join the ranks of peace makers?
Unless I tell you, you may never learn—that posting a comment on one of my Facebook posts, acknowledging the value of this work—can be healing for both of us. It can help me heal that unseen, unheard kid hiding in the orphanage, and it may reduce the harmful effect of “shame factor infertility” on you, your child, and anyone else suffering from the same affliction.
Who will speak up for them?
Unless we respond to the invitation that comes with each individual and collective crisis—the invitation to show up as we have not shown up before—bulletproof school-buses and bio hazard gear will not guard our grandchildren from the consequences of our denial.
May the memory of those who perished in Paris and victims of ongoing violence grow into a blessing of a peace movement; a movement joined by millions of people who might otherwise have remained on the sidelines.
Happy birthday to each of us who dare to heed the call of our next unborn Self.
How is this challenge a perfect assignment for you? Which unseen Orphan is it luring out of the orphanage? What does she need to take a step into a new reality?
Happy birthday to each of us who dare to heed the call of our next unborn Self.
Happy belated birthday, Julia.
Every day is a new day to experience new births.
How is this challenge a perfect assignment for me? My father had just passed away recently and I have just caught up on reading some of the posts here. I know that I have been dreaming something for the past few days, but cannot seem to grasp what they are about, not even an image. I had been recording some of my dreams for the past few months and I found it interesting that I could not at all remember anything from my dreams, but I believe that I have dreamed the past few days. It seems that something is trying to reach my consciousness, but just can’t seem to be “born.” I knew that my father loved me and cared for his family. Now that my father is no longer living here on earth, I am learning more of the ways he has loved others and how much he loved me. Even though others assure me that I was a devoted daughter, there’s a part of me that denies it. That is not what my father would have wanted. My father loved me so much more than I ever knew and just like my sister-in-law says, my father would want me to be joyful. I believe that my next unborn Self is to express even more love in ways that I don’t yet know how. I believe those ways are not yet at the level of words and my dreams are trying to speak them to me. Just as I learned that my father chose to relish life more when he found out he had a progressive terminal illness, I will find more ways to love life and be loving more. That is a way I kind alleviate my saddened heart at my dad’s death. And that is my way to live life more.
Which unseen Orphan is it luring out of the orphanage? Maybe, there is an unseen Orphan in my dreams – the orphan that wants to blame myself for not visiting my father more or doing more things for him. Or, the orphan that says that I do not have as much time in the day to do what I’d like to do or that I’m just too busy.
What does she need to take a step into a new reality? That orphan needs to know that she is loved and that time waits for no one. Tomorrow is not promised. When one knows they are loved, they will be more likely step out in confidence and birth their unborn Selves, just as a rose’s fragrance is released more when it is open, I should not be afraid to open up. Just as my dad released his love into the world, I will release my love into the world.
I remember one song that was played at my father’s funeral service, “The Prayer of St. Francis,” which is also known as “Make Me a Channel of Your Peace.” For my father, I am thinking of the last line “And in dying that we’re born to eternal life.” I believe my father has been born to eternal life. Sometimes we are ashamed of certain things about ourselves. Someone shared with me that she was ashamed of her skin condition. She asked me if by her sharing it, if I thought less of her, I said, “no.” She responded that actually by her sharing, it brought a closer connection to both of us. I’m glad that she opened up that concept for me that sharing about a vulnerability can actually bring us closer to others.
Dear Heartsease and Fertile mums,
Thank you very much for the lovely note. It’s so important to know that someone is thinking of you. It’s also important to get to know each other especially those of us who participate in the teleconference series run by Julia.
Well the bad news is that the embryo transfer was not successful. The good news is that I’m clearer than ever about what I shouldn’t do. Definitely, I won’t go for another IFV with medication again. It doesn’t work for me. I might try with natural cycle; but definitely, I will look inside me more intensively for solutions; will come closer to myself and body, as the answer is inside me and comes from me, as Julia mentioned. This year (after having completed one year of engagement with the OVUM work and already changed several aspects of my life) I set up a new target and make a commitment to all of you fertile mums: to really work intensively towards my longing by making the most of the OVUM practice. I’m practising: ‘unconditional gratitude’ (body truth) and ‘meeting your child halfway. It’s weird but I keep seeing as a barrier to my longing my first child, who’s almost four and a half, as well as my work. I’m aware that the real barrier is in me and in the way I’m handling both my child and my work, so that I make space for myself, practice and inner peace.
Thank you very much for reading my note. I look forward to our next meeting.
With lots of love.
Braveheart, I’ve only just seen your message, though I wondered often how the embryo transfer has gone. I’m sorry to hear This didn’t give you the pregnancy you had hoped for. I can see you have dug into your Fertile Heart practice to emerge with important insights. I hope the midwinter holiday season has given you some rest, recuperate and deepen into those insights.
Looking forward to our next call and hearing your next steps as they clarify.
Lots of love xxx
Hello everybody,
To be honest sometimes when I read the posts an orphan comes out who feels intimidated by how well you write and who feels she is not doing enough as the rest of the group. This time I could feel nothing but inspired by you. You reminded me how even though sometimes I feel like I am not doing my best, I really am… we all struggle but we also keep trying, we keep listening and understanding our orphans, we all want to birth our best versions of ourselves, we all want to be mothers to our orphans and one day, to our first, second or third child.
The day after I read your posts I was working with Field of Creation and when I had to think of some helpers that would help my orphan move to the right side, an image of all of you came up to my mind, it was very moving. So I really wanted thank Julia for your post and the rest of you for all of your comments.
About the all the violence that has been going on recently, it made my orphan who is scared and so worried about the future rise up. This orphan is constantly there, thinking about all the bad things that could happen, all the possible negative outcomes, and how little power she has over these outcomes and her future. I bought this book from Louise Hay called You Can Heal Your Body, I don’t know if you have seen it but she lists a lot of sicknesses of conditions that could be expressions of our body of something else going on. I looked that sterility is listed and as one of the probable causes she suggests “fear and resistance to the process of life.” It was amazing to be reminded that my fearful orphan has to be parented and told that it is ok, that everything that has to happen is happening now and will happen. In the words of Louise Hay “I trust in the process of life, I am always in the right place, doing the right things , at the right time. I love and approve of myself.”
This post not only reminded me to bow to what it is but also to feel empowered and act when we need to act. I will help you spreading the word Julia, and I think we all should do what we feel comfortable doing but I will share this. At first I wasn’t comfortable telling anybody about what I am going through, I didn’t want to hear their advice or feel their pity. But when I started sharing I found nothing but support and it really made me feel more empowered because feeling that I had something to hide made me feel guilty. On top of this, many women and men who might be going through the same would miss the chance of experiencing what we are experiencing together. I stopped sharing because many of my friends who were having trouble conceiving got pregnant and my shame orphan came back again, so I have to take care of her again and keep trying…
Dear Julia, Openhearted, Milarepa, TracyM, Braveheart, Chopin, gutsymama, heartsease, Esther, Kristen Tragethon, musicalmomma, and Isabela,
Julia – Thank you so much for being here and for your insights and support.
Openhearted – Great for your perserverence. butterflyfaith, FearlessRose,`
Milarepa – Beautiful story. Great for Acknowledging fear.
TracyM – Good luck with shame.
Braveheart – I love your dream.
Chopin -Wonderful insight about hair.
gutsymama – Good point how to we understand the perpetrator orphans/
heartsease – wonderful for taking a look at he shame orphan. Wonderful wonderful work – maybe loving ourselves is the hardest.
Esther – I am sorry you feel confused. I don’t think it want the terrorists to steal my life as well. Yay that we are standing together.
butterflyfaith – That is awesome that you realized you and your mom have /had a Randall orphan. Awesome work. Wow – great dream!
FearlessRose -Wonderful about boundaries of respect.
Kristen Tragathon – Great for promoting peace and Fertile Heart!
musicalmomma – Great for being supportive.
isabela – Great for acknowledging that orphan.
I have been doing the same imagery and body truth as last week. I am appreciating Mosaic of Revelation because my husband’s job situation is getting very challenging. I’m working with the confident me visionary and trying to comfort but not be ruled by the fear orphan.
Blessings to all.
Dear Amazing Fertile Mamas,
All of your posts are so thought provoking for me. Isabela I can relate to the orphan who is so scared of the journey ahead. In fact she has been there so long just when I think the V is taking over ship she pops out again. I often ask where she got stuck so I can find her and give her the love and support she so longs for.
FF21- very interesting dream. I would love to work with it! Funny how this reminds me of my waking life. I find myself pregnant and miscarrying too many times. Leaving me wondering what each experience has brought me, past orphan healing, feeling more awake not just going through the motions stuck in orphan land. Hmm lots to ponder there!
Your question of how this challenge has been my perfect assignment feels to easy to answer. I hear the v say this is your path to healing. Oh the path you have come in 3 years. Finding the lost orphans and healing them. I think the hopeless orphan is popping out the most. Lately she says look this journey has been great, but I think it is time to throw in the towel. You have done good but it won’t ever be good enough. Ha reminds me of my childhood. I never felt good enough for anyone. The hopeless orphan finds it easier to just lay down and curl up in a ball hoping no one will find her if they do she might as well just give up because she will never win the fight against them or within herself! So now how do I keep the hopeless orphan moving hmmmm… I am struggling with her and have been the past few weeks. So today I got on and replied to your blog, did my imagery and continue to do it even when I just want to stop, and cleaned my house haha. I know I could of sat here all day in orphan land but I choose not too. I also feel like I am continuing to fake it until I make it. New daily self talk “I choose to get pregnant and have a child”. I choose thankfulness, fearlessness, and kindness for others and myself! It is a battle that I constantly fight.
Awesome blog my friend!
T
Dear wonderful mamas, I hope you will enjoy the story I came across below as much as I did – sometimes I feel I am just like baby one and Julia’s voice comes back insistent like baby two.
In a mother’s womb were two babies. One asked the other:
“Do you believe in life after delivery?” The other replied, “Why, of course. There has to be something after delivery. Maybe we are here to prepare ourselves for what we will be later.”
“Nonsense” said the first. “There is no life after delivery. What kind of life would that be?”
The second said, “I don’t know, but there will be more light than here. Maybe we will walk with our legs and eat from our mouths. Maybe we will have other senses that we can’t understand now.”
The first replied, “That is absurd. Walking is impossible. And eating with our mouths? Ridiculous! The umbilical cord supplies nutrition and everything we need. But the umbilical cord is so short. Life after delivery is to be logically excluded.”
The second insisted, “Well I think there is something and maybe it’s different than it is here. Maybe we won’t need this physical cord anymore.”
The first replied, “Nonsense. And moreover if there is life, then why has no one has ever come back from there? Delivery is the end of life, and in the after-delivery there is nothing but darkness and silence and oblivion. It takes us nowhere.”
“Well, I don’t know,” said the second, “but certainly we will meet Mother and she will take care of us.”
The first replied “Mother? You actually believe in Mother? That’s laughable. If Mother exists then where is She now?”
The second said, “She is all around us. We are surrounded by her. We are of Her. It is in Her that we live. Without Her this world would not and could not exist.”
Said the first: “Well I don’t see Her, so it is only logical that She doesn’t exist.”
To which the second replied, “Sometimes, when you’re in silence and you focus and you really listen, you can perceive Her presence, and you can hear Her loving voice, calling down from above.”
Dear Julia and Fertile Mamas
I read this blog post and was stuck on the “shame factor of infertility” I thought i was the only one hiding my journey. I am utterly floored. How well I have hidden myself that I am just now realizing I am not alone in hiding. It makes me feel sad. Sad for all of us. Your And we don’t get to be born into our braver Selves by staying safely tucked in in our comfort zone.” have stayed with me since reading this post the day it was posted. My shame Orphan is heavy and dominating. She keeps me locked up and away while I put on a brave and happy face out for the world to see. I see this orphan now and I struggle to know how to help her release her shame.
Dear Fertile Mums,
Thank you very much for your comments which I read with great pleasure and interest, as I get to know you better.
I don’t know what’s the orphan that prevents me from replying and writing often in Julia’s blog. It might be the same one that prevents me from doing my practice every day and especially when I need it more. I’m reading,thinking and reflecting on the topics presented and the comments every time, but I prefer to be close to myself and lost in my thoughts. But here I am today after lots of denial.
Happy (belated) birthday Julia! I also had my 1st FertileHeart Birthday on the 16th of November. A year ago on the 16th of November I attended the one-day workshop in Woodstock and I consider this a birthing point. Over the last week I spent some time reflecting on my progress, changes in my life and way of thinking, etc.as a result of following the OVUM programme and attending the Teleconferences for visionary mums. Really lots have happended inside and all positive, and here I am today; having done an embryo transfer on the 19th (with my own eggs) and FSH 12, something that doctors have excluded almost a year ago, when my FSH was 22. I don’t know if the try is successful, but even if not, as Julia mentioned in our last call, this will help me clarify which is my next step. I feel a real fighter in many terms even if the process is not linear all the times.
I saw Julia in my dream last week (when I did the transfer). She came over to visit me with some other people (do not remember them) and I was serving them food in a nice tavern: souvlaki, potatoes and pita bread. Then Julia commented “and where’s the green stuff, the salad”. I felt that I didn’t do my job, as a hostess, very well (this orphan of being not enough-showed up again). I can now recognize this! I relate this with the fact that during last week I didn’t do my practice every day (twice a day), as I wanted. I did for a couple of days Body Truth ‘a guided meditation’ and ‘meeting your child halfway’.
Looking forward to our call today. With lots of love. xxx
Happy Fertile Heart birthday Braveheart! Congratulations on everything that has happened, and all the changes you have made over this year, that has brought you now to the place of having received this embryo with your own eggs. That is such a landmark, especially given what the doctors said a year ago, and a huge success story in itself. You, and the child you long for, will be in my thoughts these couple of weeks.
I was sorry to miss our call on Monday, our circles are so important to me and I really appreciate hearing where each of us have got to since the last one. Like you, i like reading these comments and getting to know each of us a little more too.
Your dream with Julia asking where the green stuff was made me smile. Our UMs have such a great way of communicating! All good wishes to you as you walk your fertile hearted path x
Dear Julia,
thank you for your question, and for nudging me to come out of hiding. Thank you all on the call for listening.
Here is my reaction to our last call, I’d be happy to talk about my dreams. I am sorry I didn’t post it here earlier, why do I keep it private?
I want to write that I was on the London call on Monday, I called in half way through. I almost got to talk, at the end of the queue you asked who else wants to talk, but it was Viola from Vienna who spoke before I did. I was very happy to be a part of it, the first half I was at a choir rehearsal. I am very happy to say I joined a choir and was cast for the next concert, which is November 17. It will be a premiere of Panychida, a Greek burial rite with old Slavonic text and orchestra.
My dream on Monday was very vivid – I was showing someone on the map of Latin America where Caracas was, and explaining that there is spring all year round. My friend from NY Rossanna whom I miss is from there and that’s what she told me about it. The next dream I wrote down was about a familiar apartment that was on a sloping hill, as though the floor was downhill. I saw a photograph of women in the family of Sylva, who lived in our flat in Prague for 15 years, and her mother and grandmother. In fact, when we were renovating the heaters, we found a photograph of Sylva as a baby behind one heater. Last night I dreamt of a big river – I had been dreaming of water a lot lately – this time, the river was maybe a Siberian river, extraordinary amount of water flowing and me walking on its banks, water seeping through the grass under my feet. The feeling is that I am becoming the flow.
This week my mother called me, which is unusual and I mentioned that my immune blood test is not alright and I have to see an immunologist next week, and my mother said ‘Don’t worry about it, Evi’, which is very nice of her to say. Having lived abroad for ten years, I haven’t felt her support so clearly yet. I also went to get my haircut and the girl who did it kept complimenting my hair, how beautiful and strong it is, she called the color hazelnut – I was crying on my way back. My grandfather once told me my hair is the color of pissed on straw, and it haunted me since, and this was such an antidote – for the first time in my life I love my hair.
During my visualization of the Playground, I never knew how to greet the child, and Nick started to caress my hair recently from time to time, and suddenly I knew exactly that’s how I would greet my child, by stroking their hair gently. I do it to my friend’s kids. Also I am glad to hear Agnieszka from Warsaw has twins now, I remember her dream on the call last November with thick glass she couldn’t touch the child through. I am very happy for her and hope I can join her one day in touching my dream. I love you, Julia.I keep babysitting my friend’s kids and love hanging out with them. I try to see my niece and cuddle with her.
I am upset at what happened in Paris ten days ago. I think your work has such potential for humanity, keep it up.
Your friend,
Eva from Prague
This challenge a perfect assignment because it allows me to heal in more ways than just becoming a mom. But being a wife, a nurse, a woman in the world. I see things like the Paris attack, the baltimore riots and school shootings and I know I need to know the art of healing my orphans. How else could I understand the world’s orphans if I cant see and hear my own?
My orphan I continue to work on healing is the one who loves to blame herself for everything. She is not as hurt as she used to be. I hear her. I dont always act her out though. I want to continue to hear her and allow her to tell me the truth. I think even taking care of herself was too much b/c punishment had to come before self care.
I see the visionary in me continue to come out. I told Julia once and I meant it. WHEN I have this child I intend to help speak about her even when he or she is in highschool. I would love to bring my little one on a bowing project.
Also, thanks for the prompt to look at why I haven’t engaged with your Facebook page. Shame is a powerful force in my life, so I do really need to look at that. Right now, the answer I am giving myself is: I’m needing the privacy, like the inside of a chrysalis, to show up at this in all my vulnerability. It’s a process that I am sharing only with my closest friends and family, not all the acquaintances and colleagues I am connected with on fb. However, it’s a good point that some of them may be suffering the shame of ‘infertility’ in silence and without the support, richness, and life-affirmingness of Fertile Heart. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
I really felt intense shame when I started getting the menopausal symptoms, and it’s only recently, after almost 3 years of these symptoms that the shame is lessening a bit. I realised how difficult it was to feel a valid part of society, when all the advertising is aimed at young (white, straight, ideally part of a couple, educated, middle class) fertile women. I also have friends who have suffered from the silence that surrounds miscarriage. So for all these reasons I do feel moved to redress this, and do what I can to loosen the insidious grip of shame around fertility challenges, not to mention the apparently compulsory shame of being utterly sexy, ‘unacceptably’ powerful, non-conforming women!
It’s funny, I have never doubted I would become a more vocal advocate for this work, and have already been thinking how wonderful it would be to write a testimonial with a babe in arms (already clocking the diapers and sleep dep…). However, it has always been from the perspective of having completed this part of the journey involving me revealing some very hidden, shamed parts of myself – in the company of others committed to doing the same, and not with bystanders watching my process. I guess there’s a fear of “failure” here too, and even if, over the course of walking this path, I reframe what I now label ‘success’ and begin to head in a different direction, I fear others would see it as failure. Yeah… that’s it too… Intellectually, I know there is nothing but a success story whatever the outcome of engaging in the FH work wholeheartedly, but it’s not embodied knowing yet. I have wondered whether there are testimonials from women who have done this work and not ended up with the child they had started this path hoping for?
Dear Fertile Mamas
I hope that you are well. I have really struggled with this blog and Julia’s last blog as I am confused about how things can be just as they should be when there is so much senseless loss of life and suffering. It may be that I do not understand the concepts correctly and would love your input. I cannot reconcile any world where a child like Robika can be murdered at age 8 or a pregnant woman can go to a rock concert and be shot dead trying to escape. I feel small and silly when I focus on my own desires when I am so blessed already. How do I balance my desires and want to believe that everything is an assignment and happening for a reason, against such mindless and incomprehensible suffering elsewhere? I am sorry if this sounds miserable. I am really finding it hard to do anything other than vascilate between anger for others’ suffering and gratitude for my blessings, without feeling that I should be asking the UM for more.
Take care. Love, Esther x
Hi Esther, I’m on the GMT calls, so I think we’ve “met” there. I feel like you describe often too, so i felt moved to reply to your comment.
I really don’t know if a balance really can be struck between (what i call in shorthand) the personal and the planetary, as they are almost on two equal but totally different scales of one-to-enormity! Yes the scale of the suffering is incomprehensible, isn’t it? I think anger is a really appropriate feeling response to what’s happened in Paris, in the death camps of WWII, and in all wars around the world before and since. Thank goodness we feel anger and distress, and not apathy or numbness or lack of care.
However, I just found myself wondering how to relate to the Unacceptable (eg the violence in Paris), because not accepting it is exhausting, but accepting it is ..well …unacceptable! I don’t know if that makes sense at all, but it’s how I’ve been reacting to my fertility issues too. A process of grieving over the past couple of weeks has been allowing me to soften, accept and meet this assignment with more empowerment and self-compassion.
Sorry, I’m not really replying to your in relation to the OVUM concepts or tools you were wondering about, but hopefully it’s making some sense anyway… I guess I could say my Os have been reacting in lots of ways: from “i don’t want this, I refuse this assignment” to “I don’t deserve any more anyway”, or from “it’s all my fault, I’ve really fckd up” to “it’s not fair life has my life turned out so badly when I’ve worked so hard on myself already”. Whereas, the UM is now taking me by the hand and saying, ok, you have a choice here, you can meet this assignment (and exactly as it is) with a commitment to growth and an expansion of your capacity to really Live life fully, or you can carrying not accepting parts of it, throw a few more tantrums, and use your life-energy swimming against the current of Life. The V is now giving me space to grieve, and pointing out what steps I can take now I’m not fighting against it all. I guess all three aspects are at work in response to news we get about our external world as much as our internal world.
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to think out loud! Before I thought all that, your comment simply made me reflect how both joys and sorrows, personal and planetary, call me to expand my heart to be able to embrace them and become more fully alive and present to the world as it is. That somehow made me think of this excerpt from Kahlil Gibran, so sharing it in case it speaks to you as it does me right now:
“Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding.
Even as the stone of the fruit must break, that its heart may stand in the sun, so must you know pain.
And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields.
And you would watch with serenity through the winters of your grief.”
Thanks Julia for this post. It was really heartening to arrive at it, having read lots of analyses of the aftermath of Paris and what has lead up to it, and how government and international “peace keeping bodies” should now respond, and how the oil and arms industries undermine peace. Most of the analyses were informative, thoughtful and useful, and most were, unsurprisingly, written by men. So to arrive at this blog, written from such a heartfelt and deep soul-diving perspective was really lovely.
Following the last call, I asked myself the question, as I now often do: what self am I giving birth to? But this time I asked it with a longterm view, i.e. who does this perfect storm of a fertility challenge require me to birth (or what does this huge challenge prevent me from avoiding any longer) not ‘just’ what self am I birthing for the next step on my fertile hearted path,? The undetectable AMH result meant the label “INFERTILE” kept sticking to me like a slap on my face, and so I’d already begun to reflect on the very question you pose above, as a way to meet the inconceivable enormity of my situation.
For many years, I have tried to work with the part of myself who collapses in the face of a challenge. It can be any challenge, sometimes as small as having to walk up the hill on the way to the pool I swim in most days. I know that survival strategy was very successful when I was a child, and so it’s been a very difficult one to sidestep. So as well as learning to face the orphan part of me that collapses, and feels “pathetic, weak and useless”, I am trying to birth the me who has what it takes to walk this path towards the child I long for, despite it seeming hopeless in so many ways, and despite the enormity of the challenges I sense are on this path, including those I have already glimpsed. And I am trying to birth the me who would have what it takes to be a good enough mother, should a child choose to meet me halfway.
I have also been looking at the many times in life I have chosen the options/responses that mean I live less, the safer route that nevertheless keeps part of me slightly dead. Collapsing is the same strategy that the mouse uses when caught by the cat, playing dead, although clearly it’s no game, and the stakes are nothing less than life or death. So it’s time to choose life, rather than play dead, or let my ovaries die, which is what it has felt like has been happening. I am choosing life over and over again each day.
I have long known I have internal terrorisers in me, whose weapons are aggression, criticism and, above all, shame. And I’ve realised that ultimately, I am being called to birth the me who loves myself. It sounds cliched (that’s another bullet I guess) but it does feel like my toughest but most critical assignment. I can see it really is the direction the FH work leads, and it can only be essential to truly being a peace-maker.
Thanks again for the place to articulate, here, the steps I am taking on this path. It feels valuable to be able to make a public commitment to them, amongst other women walking their uniquely fertile paths.
And happy birthday for last week :) Here’s to celebrating the you who was born, and all you have birthed in the years since then.
Actually, I was wrong when answering your question. The unseen orphan hearing this call isn’t the perfectionist orphan. It might be, actually, but the one that seems to be stepping to the front of the line is a nasty, mean-spirited orphan. Did you all see “Monsters, Inc.?” You know the character of Randall, the slithering monster who can disappear and then slither up to someone unseen before—poof!—right front and center with some scary comment? That’s this orphan. She lurks around while I go about my day and then—POOF!—I see a pregnant woman and suddenly, the orphan hisses “look at her! She isn’t in shape, she can’t be healthy, she is eating crappy fast food and yet she’s pregnant?! That is horrid!” or I see a woman with unruly, bratty-behaving kids and the Randall orphan poofs up: “She gets to make MORE of those and yet you don’t???” Or a hear women who complain about how many kids they have or how they call the last one “the accident” or how they never wanted this many kids, and Randall says, “God thinks THEY deserve to create more children, but you don’t get any more? Unacceptable!” I even saw a mom ignore her kids in the store before speaking to them so nastily, and Randall said “And yet she gets to have 3 of them. Bitch.” AAAAAGGG! I am so ashamed of this orphan. I am ashamed to even admit she lives here. I’m a peaceful hippie who is loving and nice! What’s up with this?? This goes against all I’m teaching my kids as a mother and all I built my personal code upon. My mom would get so nasty and bitter after my dad died; whenever someone would have a big anniversary or go on a trip as a couple, my mom would hiss “well that’s just lovely.” It made me sad for her and angry she couldn’t just stop taking it all personally and being so mean about it. And yet, here I am, with an orphan leaking out of me, doing the same thing. I have no idea how to parent Randall. I suppose I could do some tough love, but honestly, I am at a loss.
Dear Julia, This has been a very thought-provoking and complex blog to think about. Peace has definitely been on my mind, too. In fact, since the Paris tragedy on Friday, the Beirut tragedy shortly before that and the recent Nigeria bombings, too. Not to forget all the other non-peaceful activities in the Middle East. All I can think about is how can we make sure we respond in peace, and not in hatred? How can we be peaceful in the face of barbarian actions? I think creating boundaries (not physical ones, but boundaries of respect, i.e. treating each other with respect) and living with compassion is the answer. In other words, healing our Orphans who say that “you are weak if you do not respond in hatred”. Taking small daily Visionary steps towards warm and understanding human connections, not succumbing to the wave of mistrust and hatred that seems to be rolling across Europe (and other places in this world). You ask what O needs to come out of the orphanage? With me, it is the O who says “you are afraid to be different and to be yourself”. I am trying to heal her and hear her suffering. I think being ourselves and accepting and being loving & compassionate towards those who do not accept & fear our differences, will help heal so many Os that are ravaging this world. It will hopefully help spread peace. I would like my little daughter and my second healthy baby that we desire and long for so deeply, to live in a peaceful world of compassion, understanding and love!
With peace and love,
FearlessRose
Dear Julia and wonderful mamas,
Terrorist activities such as those occurring in Paris are meant to make people afraid. When I heard about it, I was afraid as well so that is what I would like to keep turning around – fear. In my opinion, these people doing acts of terror are bullies. What is inside the mind of a bully? The bully feeds on fear to feel powerful and therefore good about him/herself. Bullies have their way when people are afraid. For me in my religious group I teach children and junior youth spiritual qualities and peace as part of their lessons – also service projects. I am working on my own spiritual qualities which are not perfect. Julia, thank you so much, are helping me work with my orphans to help me be a better parent. This is so ultimately peace will be. I see some people doing amazingly brave things like some Muslims in England (I believe) making a video claiming (I believe( that they are not ISIS. Extremely brave are these people!!!(In my opinion) The terrorists want people to believe they are powerless and outnumbered. There are probably many people in the group who are afraid to leave just like street gangs. So I am filled with gratitude when I see things like this video.
I have been working on Mosaic of Revelation and White Flower Fertile Heart imagery and doing body truth of pregnant and self-assured me. I am trying to take the more self assured me out in public a bit more. It is exciting. And Mosaic of Revelations is hitting the spot right now – very comforting.
Blessings to all.
Dear Fertile Mamas
Thank you Julia for a beautiful and thought provoking post. I have just returned from a walk with Fergal and we have been discussing the madness that has taken hold, the undeniable fear that people are living with. We were also saying how hard it is to rationalise what is happening with our striving to bring a new life into the world. There is so much hurt and misunderstanding and I believe that the only way that I can make a difference is to strive to always be a voice of understanding and tolerance. To treat people as I wish to be treated and to show respect to everyone that I deal with. I cannot begin to understand why someone would want to blow themselves up, plant a bomb or shoot innocent people at a concert. I cannot understand the hatred that they must feel. In order that I do not feel totally overwhelmed, I try my best to question my own and others’ prejudice. We all make assumptions about others without knowing the facts and we bring our own prejudice and judgements to situations. I feel like I am standing in a circle with all of the fertile mamas holding hands. A vigil for peace and change.
Take care. Love, Esther x
You made my day, sweet Kristen, so good to hear from you! Thank you for being a peace worker. Love to your beautiful boys.
All three of them. (the Dad being one of the 3)
Sweet Julia,
You have been on my mind. I have been spreading the word on how to be an “ingredient detective” and telling my fertility success story. Trying to spread your good work and life of peace. It is amazing to me what people don’t want to know. Thanks for sharing your message of peace and making me ask myself “what am I doing to promote peace” around me. XOXO Kristen Tragethon
Dear Julia, I was still pondering your last blog on what I need to turn around, when the events of last weekend in Paris hit. Living in refugee crisis divided Europe, the terrorist attack in Paris brought a wave of death and a wave of fear. And I realised that Fear is exactly what I want to turn around. Fear – the death of all possibilities.
I refuse to be afraid to go out to a restaurant, a concert, a soccer game, to Paris. I refuse to be afraid of the refugees. That would mean that the terrorists have won. And I have become something I am not.
I refuse to be afraid that I will not be a mom because that would mean that the orphans rule my reality. And I have closed all possibilities for creation.
Thank you Julia for gently but relentlessly nudging us to come out and like Milarepa face the dragon “Open up those jaws as wide as you can, I’m coming in!”
Hugs, Velina
Sweet Julia, I knew the events in Paris would hit you at the core. It goes against so much of what you stand for and for what we are striving to do here at FH. I love the question…what orphan needs to come out of the orphanage? I have so many to choose from! ha ha. I do think the one that needs to come out into the light of day is my control orphan. If it’s not perfect and orderly, it’s a problem. I keep quiet about my fertility struggles, about my life curveballs, about my issues. If they are not neat and orderly, I don’t want to bring them out to the light. But I know that’s not what is helping me. Not that I have to go telling everyone everything, but hiding the rough edges isn’t working either. It brings to mind the dream I had night before last. I was giving birth to a little baby boy. A woman was with me (my midwife?) and she kept telling me I wasn’t doing it right and I had to do it again. I kept trying to give birth over and over in some “Groundhog Day” episode. I don’t know exactly if the UM was telling me I’ll need to keep walking this path until I figure out what needs to be done first before I give birth, or if I’m being held captive by my orphan who makes me do it over and over again trying to get it “perfect,” which is impossible.
Hi Findingfaith,
Your dream really intrigued me, and it sounded like you maybe wanted help seeing this from the outside? I would ask what Julia does- what is the overwhelming feeling of this dream? Also, the different people can all be aspects of yourself. If you are the midwife, how are you feeling, as well? This sounds like an important dream to me, and I’d love to hear your thoughts on it!
Shelly (musicalmomma)
As a dreamer of the beautiful dream you’re sharing with us, K. one of the many questions this dream compels me to ask myself is: Is that what the next (2nd,3rd,4th) child/creation is going to do for me? I’ll get to “do birth” right? Save myself from the “Orphan” who must’ve done something quite awful to be abandoned in the orphanage?
What an awesome letter from the UM! Sounds like She is really responding to your request to engage in conversation with her.
This is a great dream for all of us. Let’s work with it on the next call. In the meanwhile, perhaps you could take a look at the questions on pg 180 of The Fertile Female and see what comes up for you.
I didn’t think too much of the dream at first, since I was just focused on the giving-birth part and I woke up quite sad that it wasn’t real and I was not pregnant. In the dream, the main feeling I had was frustration. I just wanted to give birth already! I was tired of nearly getting there and not being able to complete the journey. Hmm. That sounds a bit like the path I’m on right now. I keep attempting things but not really seeing them to completion. Just this past month I’ve been engaging more and more with things (practice, imagery, writing), and it has made a huge difference. Yet I still have one foot on the pool deck, one in the water. I need to just jump in. Shelly, great question. I don’t see myself as the midwife, but what if I am? I have a strong belief that I will never get pregnant again unless I do XYZ. And I keep telling myself to get busy and do it. Yet I don’t because deep down, I am scared that if I do all that I tell myself is necessary to do to have another child, and I don’t, then where does that lead me? Hopeless? Julia, thank you so much for the insight. Yes, I’d be honored to work with this dream at our next gathering. And I’ll work with the questions in FF in the meantime.
I am still stuck here: “To ask for more, risking that her request might not be granted”.
Why is this Orphan so scared of the journey ahead? This is an Orphan who brings uncertainty, freezes my actions for “trying-for-second-baby” journey, specially in a chaotic world as represented by last week’s events.