Stories of miracles should be told and re-told. This is how this Fertile Heart story began three Christmases ago and continues with a picture of these two beautiful children
On December 1st, 2010 I extended the following invitation:
An Invitation to Mandy and the Fertile Heart Gang.
‘Tis the season of giving, tonight is the First Night of Chanukah, Christmas is around the bend, so let’s cook up a little human magic together.
After Monday’s TeleClass, Mandy, a stunning young woman who has been s part of our community for a few months, posted a Thank You note on the Fertile Heart Connections Forum.
This blog post is for you Mandy and for me and for all of us who from time to time can’t help but wonder why our behavior doesn’t reflect our deepest desire.
I woke up this morning remembering your beautiful note, and as I thought about how best to respond to you, an idea came. But first I’m taking the liberty of copying your note here, because there is so much to be learned from your words. Since you posted it in a public place I do hope you don’t mind if I share it here:
I am taking away lots of gifts from tonight’s phone class. It is wonderful to feel the connection that I have, for some reason over the past few weeks, removed myself from. Julia, your words at the beginning were beautiful and just what I needed- “this is a gift that doesn’t always feel like a gift!” No, it doesn’t, but yes it is!
Tonight’s circle has made me check in with myself as to why I seem to be engaged fully in this work, and then slip away from it. I have been doing my imagery work, but not as intently or with as much passion as I have in the past. I have been trying to find a balance between doing the work and “taking a break-” which is where I feel I have been being led recently (By Orphans, perhaps?)
My question for myself, and something I would love support with and need to explore more is this: If a child is what I want more than anything in this world, then why can’t I do these very manageable rituals – eating for nourishment, not drinking wine, imagery work each morning, Body Truth a few times a week) in order to get what I want?
The most reasonable answer I have right now is that my Orphans continue to scream at me: “This work is not going to work!”
Ultimate Mom, I need you!
I think she showed herself tonight in the way that I adjusted my schedule and said no to several other commitments in order to be on the phone circle. I am happy to have realized this, and happy that I have the ability, thanks to Julia, to acknowledge this act as an act of my UM, rather than just me “adjusting my schedule.”
Thank you again, everyone, for a healing evening tonight, focused on many things I felt very connected to. The imagery was extraordinary helpful, especially the “Line of Givers.”
Peace and Healing,
You have called out for the Ultimate Mom and I wish I could say: Here I am!
But I’m not the Ultimate Mom, I’m just a flawed humanoid, and my children would be quick to add a very human mom. I do, however, have a bit of a track record as a reasonably competent fertility teacher. So perhaps I could be useful in some small way. Perhaps I can attempt to answer your questions not only through words but through behavior. Because, you see, Mandy, words can go just so far. If I am truly to be of any use to you, I need to give you an opportunity to live your way to the answers.
I have been immensely moved by your presence in the workshop in Woodstock, your passionate, caring responses to the blog posts and the pure heart you seem to bring to everything you do. I feel heard by you, and that makes it easier for me to hear you.
And yes, I do agree with you that I have watched you now for longer than several weeks join our little Fertile Heart campfire, sing and draw strength from the pot of soup we pass around, and then vanish into the woods. And I of course have to let you go, because it’s your beautiful journey not mine and you need to live it your way.
But now here you are calling for the Ultimate Mom, so if you don’t mind, I’ll try to point you in her direction.
I believe it was William Blake who said: “Eternity in the grain of sand.”
If you care to pay attention you will see in the smallest of your actions a reflection of your behavior in every other aspect of your life.
You draw near and then withdraw from your own fertile heart the same way you draw near and then withdraw from the Ultimate Mom. She can’t be there for you because you can’t hear her. And as I see it, you can’t hear her, because it takes enormous courage to receive that kind of Love.
For the Orphan in us opening ourselves up to the Ultimate Mama caliber of Love is more dangerous than running through a minefield. You never know when your foot lands on a landmine and tears you to pieces.
We can sit here, you and I, and analyze your past and the suffering you endured when people close to you, turned their back on you. You know I’m a fan of traditional psychotherapy and if that’s what you feel you need, you can certainly travel that path.
But I also have another idea: I’ve been hanging out in the Ultimate Mom’s neighborhood, and I could do my best to show you around. I’ve been hanging out there not because I’m so brave but because I so often tremble with fear. I find that the minute I let go of her hand, despair sets in like an unliftable cloud.
So, Mandy, I am wondering if you’d be willing to take me up on an offer? Would you have the courage to practice receiving with me, to strengthen your “receiving” muscles, until they’re strong enough for the heavy weight gifts of the Ultimate Mom? It would look something like this:
Be my guest for 5 months of TeleClasses
Be the first person to check in in that class and come in with something you want to work on every time
Receive specific assignments/remedies selected by me, based on what you bring to the class, from the Fertile Heart Imagery CD’s, the first one and second one and from Body Truth. (If you don’t have the second CD, I’ll send you one as a gift)
Every day, post right here under comments: Yes I did it, or Not Today
Once a month you schedule a free one hour private session with me.
Make a public commitment to do this for 5 months.
And, Mandy, I being a human mom, am not an unconditional giver. I tried that role, and I’m not that good playing it anymore. Sp just so we have an even exchange, here is what I ask in return: If after 5 months, you come to a place where this challenge will also FEEL AND CLEARLY BECOME A GIFT in your life, you’ll help us with our peace project.
We’ll then write a blog post together on the Turn It Around Project whatever stage it will be in at that point, and you’ll post a comment once a week about something you did to help me. You do that for 5 months.
And this invitation, except for the free TeleClass, free CD and private session (because I do have to eat and pay for those organic carrots and a roof over my head) is open for everyone who wants to take me on.
What do you say, Mandy? What do you say Fertile Hearters?