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Julia’ Blog – Once I Was Blind: A Different Kind of Miracle Story   

By on July 13, 2016

Once upon a time, or maybe not that long ago,

a young woman, we’ll call her Leanne, ordered an imagery CD, which we shipped the following day.

She sent us an email a few days later.

“I’m just checking if the CD’s were shipped and when I can expect them.”

We reassured her that the CD’s were indeed shipped on time and they should be arriving the next day. It turned out the CD’s didn’t arrive in the next several days and  lovely Sonia from our sales team offered to ship Leanne  a new set of CD’s.

Just to make sure, Sonia asked a confirmation of the address.Infertility inspiration-quotes from The Fertile Female by Julia Indichova

“Yes, it’s the correct address,” replied Leanne.

The fate of the second set was the same as the first,

wherever they ended up, it was not in the hands of the addressee.

“Boy,” I said to Sonia when she reported the story, “this beautiful mama really doesn’t want those CD’s.”

I decided to email Leanne myself, apologize for the missing package and offer to call her for a brief chat, perhaps share with her my take on her diagnosis.

“I would like that,” she wrote back.

After our chat she emailed us several times asking questions about the workshop. Here too, Leanne was clearly in deep conflict. She wanted to come and she was also terrified.

The truth does set us free, but for the orphan in us, the truth is terrifying.

During the seven hours of the Meeting Your Child Halfway workshop in the Fertile Heart Studio,  I watched Leanne slowly opening to a larger story of her diagnosis and in one of the final exchanges  I saw her connect with some of the most painful feelings linked to an interrupted pregnancy.

Since she never received the CD’s in the mail, after the workshop she picked up one of the CD sets on the display table. After arriving home she discovered that the set she picked up from the table was the unsealed display model with a missing disk.

After hearing this,I suggested we send the shipment to her office or a friend’s house. I was not  going to risk another lost package.

This was the reply she sent:

“So I went back and looked through the emails, Turns out my house number was one digit off. Sorry for the confusion, totally my fault.”

This lovely mom’s behavior brings into stunning relief the invisible battle in the war zone of every human heart.

When it’s the orphan’s hand reaching for the object of our desire,

we`’ll be sure to pick up from a pile of perfectly sealed brand new CD’s, the empty unsealed one. When it’s the orphan’ eye checking the address for the delivery of our next eagerly expected order, she’ll make sure it’s her reality that gets validated every time.

In Leanne’s case it’s the reality in which the truth that CD might lead to, and perhaps the pregnancy it might help facilitate, is far more dangerous than going through a few more years of failed fertility treatments.

Fertile Heart Body Truth Natural Fertility

In my ever so hopeful fertile heart I trust that the amazing grace that brought that panicked orphan out of hiding—the  grace that made sure that child is seen—will   also give Leanne  the strength to see how blinding fear can be. Then her more grown up, braver clear eyed self can live the unfolding story of her baby journey and the life she once meant to live.

Any beautiful guidance you’re called to pay attention to lately?

30 Responses to “Julia’ Blog – Once I Was Blind: A Different Kind of Miracle Story   ”

  1. Purple Parrot says:

    Dear Julia

    Thanks for recommending this to me on the call last night when i said I was delaying my practice, not getting to it despite looking forward to it. Funny as I had already read this blog but didn’t think it applied to me! But you’re absolutely right. It is for me. One or more of my orphans is persuading me to do anything other than ‘the work’. And that orphan feels a little blamed right now, so I shall go adore that one, and see if we can’t work together to have a regular practice and move a little further on the journey to halfway.

    with thanks

  2. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    Sofi, good luck with your new job, and Noddfa, yay for courage to access a difficult place.FearlessRose, it sounds like the visionary is asserting and Brave Caterpillar, that sounds good about orphan awareness. butterflyfaith, I like your become parents differently and heather1975teaching, you had some great insensitivity examples. miraculouslife, it’s great to hear your insights and Annabell, it sounds visionary to go out with your friends separately. My husband sometimes uses a funny way to change the subject. How about them ____ (insert name of sports team)

    Blessings to all.

  3. AnnabelL says:

    Thank you to Julia and everyone on the European call last night. Julia’s comment to me, encouraging me to take the road of healing rather than the road of suffering, struck a particular chord. And then after the call I read an email from someone I follow, and it was all about how you don’t have to suffer to be happy, to find what you want. So I think there is a message for me!

    I can also relate to Fearless Rose’s comment about ‘no pain no gain’. I’m a hard worker and have worked for many of the gifts in life I’ve received. And I think there is something in me that says if I haven’t worked really hard for it then I don’t deserve it, or it isn’t going to happen. Of course working hard does not necessarily equate to suffering. But I think there’s a danger in thinking that unless you work hard you won’t/don’t deserve to get something.

  4. Sofi says:

    Hi Fertile Moms,

    I have been away from the blog for a while now, and my apologies for the absence. And when I read the story, I could not immediately remember this type of thing happening to me. I started at the bottom and worked my way up through the comments, and Brave Caterpillar’s reminded me of missing calls last fall. It was September/October and the call schedule was not every other week. There was one week when I dialed in the wrong week and I was the only one on the call, and I realized I was a week early. Then there was a week where I was a week late, and missed the call completely because I forgot to check the website. The email about the series had the wrong date and I latched on to that. I was feeling awful that day and when I realized I had missed the call by a week, I felt devastated and lost. Now I can see that maybe it was an orphan that had me convinced of the wrong schedule because she really did not want to do the calls in the first place. This is really helpful to see this type of thing in retrospect, and how powerful the orphan was because I completely believed the wrong reality! I was so convinced!

    I am trying to think of a more recent example of this, but it is escaping me now. Since the last call, I did Dance of Trust the first week, and then Field of Creation for the beginning of the second week. Then all hell broke loose with work and my schedule and I gave up on imagery again. I completely forgot about finding the sweet spot until I saw the comments below.

    I’m finally changing jobs, and I really hope that I will be happier in the new one, and that it might positively impact my fertility. My cycle has been crazy again this month, temperatures up and down, no discernable ovulation, and I feel like giving up even trying to conceive anymore. I am trying to take some downtime this week before the new job starts next week, and also hope to have a more sane schedule at the new job where I can juice every day because I will be working remotely all the time, and make time for imagery and body truth.

    Thanks for all the sharing and inspiration.

  5. Noddfa says:

    Thank you for your earlier comment Annabelle, about how I was listening to my body for guidance. It was very clear what my body wants, though leading me into the unknown. It gave me such a lift to read what you had written, especially in the face of a new phase of my life which feels daunting.

    When I first discovered Fertile Heart, I had a huge orphan and I just couldn’t make sense of the website at all. Now I can really see it was a part of me that was very afraid of what I was trying to access. It is reassuring to hear this is a common experience.

  6. FearlessRose says:

    Dear Julia,

    Thank you for this insightful blog and thank you to all the fertile mommies for their insights. This past week has been a “hard week” with so many things to prepare for the holidays (a very “first world” problem!) and to try and do as many job applications as possible before heading away. The guidance I have had is within my realisation that my “no pain no gain” Orphan has been taking over many aspects of my life – I apply for jobs I will most certainly hate once I get there, I expose myself to people who are unkind and invasive about my fertility, not applying for jobs as it adds to my pain, staying up too late applying for jobs and more.. – I just realise now that this O is very strong!

    Very recently, about 4 or more people have asked me if I am expecting a baby and it is something that always makes me feel very down and sad, as I never know what to say. I have been thinking of saying that “it is my new policy not to answer these kind of questions”, but I have not had the presence of mind to do so. Instead, I just mumble something about having a large tummy due to my first pregnancy. In a way, going to such outings with too many people I do not know is a way of exposing myself to “no pain no gain” scenario, punishing myself for not having a second baby yet. As part of healing my O who thinks I do not deserve another baby, I have been doing imagery and BTs to help me get in touch with my V and UM (especially, Welcome Home and Gratitude) and it has helped! I have been planning other fun things for my daughter and me to do — meaning we have other plans when we get invited to go to mass gatherings such as huge birthday parties or huge picnics. It feels good to have realised that my V and UM are helping me to create a new reality for myself where I do not have to suffer constantly due to people being nosey and rather rude! Plus it does not mean we don`t go to birthday parties for my daughter, but I choose the ones which I know will be nurturing & fun, both for her and for me.

    So my beautiful guidance I have been called to pay attention to recently has resulted in changing my ways as to how I plan my days and whom I choose to meet. It feels good and it is a new thing for me, to protect myself from invasiveness and searching eyes aimed at my tummy area.

    lots of love
    FearlessRose

  7. Brave Caterpillar says:

    Thank you for all your posts, as always very inspiring.
    I never saw actions like forgetting something, being late, dialing up a wrong number (that happened to me in one of our calls) an so on, as orphans until I started this practice. I still find that I do many things my orphan doesn’t want me to do and take them as a burden or try to avoid them in an unconscious way. I’ll try to be more conscious of these behaviors, it I’ll be interesting.
    Since our last call I’ve been thinking about how I’ve dealt with my orphans. I’ve been seeing them since I can remember. But I wasn’t aware of my reaction to them. How I judged them, felt embarrassed, repelled, hopeless and powerless about them. I wanted them to go away but I didn’t know how to make them disappear. So I worked with field of creation for a while and I don’t remember how but one day I felt I wouldn’t worry about what to do with or say to my orphans. That might sound passive but I am trying for once just to see them, no good or bad attached, identify them and stop there, until that orphan that wants to fix what’s wrong with her gets “trained” to stop judging, seeing things as they are, with no value attached to them. Hoping my ultimate mother will show up and know better.
    I’ve also been trying to extend that awareness to other people. Their reactions and my reactions to their reactions, if any. All of this, with the hope of being compassionate and really creating peace within myself and around me. Many orphans came out with all the violence going on in the world these past weeks. It is very easy for my orphans to feel fear, blame people in power, feel powerless myself. But then I remembered one of Julia’s posts talking about Donald Trump’s orphans (someone I judge frequently) and I remember how amazing this work could be if I continue to use it as a tool to help me understand someone as different as me as Trump.
    To identify that when my orphans disagree, feel offended, hurt by others, most likely my orphans are being triggered by their own orphans/suffering.
    So my plan is to start with plain awareness, followed by compassion and love, followed by action and see what comes.

    • Butterfly faith says:

      Goodness, I love this! I am always so quick to label things (negative, positive, bad, good) so it’s eye-opening to realize I can just see something and stop there. I’ve been really focused on trying to heal my orphans and love them (so hard! They can be such pains in my ass! Haha), but what would happen if I just name them and notice them? Not fix them? Not even try to hug them? Just let them know it’s ok and I see them? Brilliant BC! Thanks for the snowflake.

  8. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Moms,

    Harmonious Life, wonderful for bringing sweetness to imagery and Gracelife, very visionary about your in-laws about religion! Braveheart, wow, that sounds like a lot of challenge with job and your husband’s family and yay for winning your case and Annabell, great thought listening to your body. Heather1975teaching, great for working with surrendering and Sparxy, yay for dinner with your husband! butterflyfaith, yay for welcoming your orphans. The hello greeting makes me smile! MamaCat, great identifying orphans. gutsymama yay for speaking up and MiraculousLife, amazing how your dream relates to fear of pregnancy.

    I have been doing Welcome Home Fertile Heart body truth and Dance of Truth Fertile Heart imagery. I have never done the dancing imagery before, but I’m just letting myself dance in the the imagery and that’s lots of fun – no particular agenda.

    I’ve been in a situation where my daughter was supposed to go to a special program but it has been delayed a few weeks, so not only have I been working with her disappointed orphan but mine and trying to make the best use I can of what feels like a holding pattern.

    I came across some advice about how others could be sensitive to those who have adopted their children and it made me think that there might be something there to adapt to fertility challenges – like maybe the expectation a visionary might have while in a group of people having a casual discussion. And then it led me to think how could all of our interactions with others become more sensitive (like the opposite would be when I was talking to a blind friend all about how I like looking at art. He finally mentioned that he didn’t get that much out of it??) Like maybe we’re struggling wit fertility, but maybe a friend just experienced the loss of a parent so going on and on about what you and your parents had planned for the weekend or something. It’s totally OK to be enthused about our favorite topics but maybe there’s a sensitivity level we could all work on and then we wouldn’t feel so alone – there’s a lot of people who feel left out about something.

    So here are some of the suggestions:
    Every adoption story is different (so – every fertility story is different)
    Our fertility is not your business (I think that could remain as it is)
    Our kids stories belong to them (Our fertility stories belong to us)
    We may parent differently than your family (Perhaps someone else could supply a relevant sentence here?)
    It can be hard to be left out of discussions about parenthood that include only things we haven’t experienced. (That one seems to stand as it is)
    We have a lot in common with non-adoptive parents (We have a lot in common with people who don’t experience fertility challenges.)

    Blessings to all.

    • butterflyfaith says:

      Neat way of looking at things, GSD. I think you’re on to something. The part about “we may parent differently than your family” could be interpreted to say “we may become parents differently than your family” or something like that. Good luck to you with your daughter’s program. Hopefully it will all come together soon.

    • heather1975teaching says:

      Beautifully worded! I have seen too many awkward conversations at my school with families that have adopted- in an attempt to be polite, people often ask inappropriate and insensitive questions. People can be condescending ( it was so kind of you to save those poor orphans)and nosy ( why didn’t you adopt an American baby) or just oblivious to social cues ( especially with blended families). Imagine if everyone took a breath and used sensitivity instead of curiosity to interact.

    • miraculouslife says:

      Oh beautifully written R!!
      You are spot on when it comes to sensitivity levels. Before the fertility journey, I was surely a mess and only focused on my areas of interests not understanding what was going on in other people’s life ( like i blabbered about my then boyfriend now my husband and my friend’s girlfriend got married to another person- how insensitive & such an idiot I was)
      this fertility journey via Fertileheart road really oopened up my senses & made me aware of (hopefully most of the times) what to discuss & what not to & identify the cues if to stop or change the discussions. But most people are unaware & dont really care, so automatically the sensitivity levels woll b e below threshold

    • AnnabelL says:

      Really good point GSD about everyone learning to be more sensitive about our interactions with others. I also think it’s a fine line between not going on about things in a way that might hurt someone who has experienced loss in that aspect of their life, and also being natural/not making too big a deal about not referring to whatever subject it is, as then people might feel you’re treating them with kid gloves. For example, I have a friend who, quite recently, sadly lost both her parents within a year of one another. I’m blessed to still have both of mine, and while I will refer to them briefly in conversations with her – it would feel odd to suddenly never mention them again – I certainly wouldn’t rub in how lovely it is say that I can get to see them once a week. The opposite happening – e.g., in my case, people going on and on about their amazing children – really triggers an O in me. I was out at dinner a few months ago with 2 really close girlfriends, who are lovely people, and who know about my entire journey. And yet…they spent over half of the evening talking about their daughters & how wonderful it was they were such good friends with each other,& all the lovely & cute things they were doing together, and I just felt so left out of the club. As I result I now try and avoid seeing them together and meet them separately. I am also amazed at how many people ask me if I’m trying for a baby, or even if I am pregnant. And these are often people I hardly know! My O rages that this is so inappropriate, as they have no idea what is going on. Anyway, rant over & YES PLEASE to greater sensitivity to all our fellow humans, each one with their own tender hearts & heartaches. x

  9. Harmonious Life says:

    This is a beautiful story. Thank you Julia for showing us how much power the orphans could have over us without us ever doubting it. I would like to know how Leanne is doing on her pilgrimage.

    More importantly, I need to reflect on how to help my visionary/UM look out for my orphans and comfort them. One of my orphans who likes to eat what she desires does crop her head multiple times a day and have power over my visionary who knows the foods my O is reaching out for isn’t good for her. I need to cultivate a habit of asking myself when my hand reaches out for a thing to observe and acknowledge who is reaching out. If I don’t admit that I experience this challenge, or own this weakness if I can call it that, then I won’t be able to change my behavior. So I am going to admit that yes, there’s work I need to do in this area.

    I have been doing the bestower of babies imagery that Julia conceived together with us on the last call. I have learned a bit more about the technique of imagery practice from reading a book by Dr. Jerry Epstein and I feel like I have finally begun to own my imagery as my own personal experience. Previously I could not do my imagery without my iPhone and without Julia’s voice guiding me. In other words, I may have been more caught up in perfecting the process rather than getting immersed in the experience. This time the imagery seems more spontaneous although it’s the same imagery. I have begun to connect more with the images and the experience rather than focusing too much on the words and it’s a different experience which I am liking. I think this is the right direction for me to add sweetness to my practice as Julia invited us to do on the call. I am giving myself permission to experiment within the healing framework of imagery practice. This is very new for me.

    I have been doing my imagery twice a day. I am not chastising myself for not being consistent with body truth. I picked the ‘Defend, Receive’ today. Body truth is something I have always sort of struggled to keep up with. I want to slowly re-introduce it in my daily waking hours and here too give myself permission to experiment and engage more.

    The comments here have been full of insights. Thank you FH friends for being here.

    Love, and happy healing everyone.
    xxxx

  10. Gracelife says:

    I absolutely agree with you Julia. When I came across your book for the first time and ordered it from Amazon it was delayed and finally never came as it got damaged in transit. I was heartbroken. As if just having the book in my hands was going to get me pregnant..now I find the whole situation so funny and I laugh about how desperate and anxious I was. Just like the last egg, I was behaving as if this is the last copy of the book and if I don’t get it I won’t have my baby. I could have simply ordered a Kindle copy if I really wanted to. But the fact is that I was just buying more time, hoping that I won’t need the book and won’t have to do the work after all.
    The same with the CDs. I had them for sometime but I got regular with the imagery only after I attended the calls with you. The orphan in me always wants to escape and do other things instead of doing the practice. Check email, read a book, cook something..anything to run away from the imagery and body work. There’s no time, there’s no privacy..excuses were always ready. But with the practice I’m seeing so many changes in me. I have never been this assertive before, I have never felt this confident about my body before and I am actually falling in love with myself Julia. One of the orphan I discovered was the one who was afraid that what religion will she raise her child in. Since my husband and me belong to different religions and the families also do not interact much now. Once our baby comes there will be occasions when they will have to interact and then there may be sparks. I was afraid of that. but not anymore. I realised that if they want to be a part of our family and our celebrations then they better learn to do it amicably and like adults, which they are. And who knows, one they baby arrives the ice may just melt and both sides will warm up to each other.

    • Braveheart says:

      Dear Gracelife, your comments on Julia’s post seem/sound so familiar to me. I feel and act in the same way. I know that practice will help me and helps me (whenever I do it) to see the truth in me, but I keep avoiding practicing and doing things that will help me, by making up several excuses for my self: I have no time, so many things to do around, I’m not calm, I have lots of work, not in the mood, it’s something that my religion would not agree with (meditatiing). And it’s easier, when you are not well, to make yourself worse than better, to strengthen your fears. I identify my fears and I don’t want to touch them, or I feel too lazy or tired to work towards making them weeker, hence I stay away from practice, i.e. doing my imaginary excercises every single day, take visionary actions for myself, re-reading Julia’s books, writing my thoughts and even practice writing my academic papers. Although I admit and say that I want a second child, have taken all the necessary exams, did 2 IUIs, 1 IVF, check to the doctor every signle month for the last 2 years my ovulation, have taken DHEA for more than 5 months, etc. deeply inside there is a fear that I will not be able or good enough to bring up a second child that might come to change the balance in my family and professional life.

      During my first pregnacy, I felt depressed for a long time, had fights with my husband about his family (they wanted to invade and regulate our new life) and felt worried that my identity and career as an academic would be lost as I would become a mum and have less time for work. I was also depressed after giving birth to my first child and family problems made my depression worse (was told that I am not good enough to bring up my baby because I have a carrer and a demanding job, not good housewife, etc at the same time I was bullied at work and received a bad evaluation, which could lead to loose my tenure track prosition). I was very very bad. I felt like not seeing again my husband’s family, but I finally put pressure to myself to do this because this would make him happier and nicer to me. I also felt like giving up my job since I almost believed that I’m not good to hold such position (I finally didn’t. I reject the negative evaluation, protested and fought for justice to be delivered, and three years later I was justified and won the case). It was during this time that I was introduced to Julia’s work.

      And here I am again after having introduced practice in my life (about 4-5 times per week; still lots to do in order to make it consistent and regular). I have decided to be free and more honest with myself; express my dissapointment towards my husband’s family and keeping a certain distance from them. It’s not easy as I have to face a change in my husband’s behaviour and our relationship, while trying for a second baby, and having to cope with thoughts like ‘I’m a bad girl, my marriedge might be in danger etc’, but it feels the right thing to me. I’m convinced to carry on my practice of doing the imaginarey excercises, as it also helps soothing another fear I have about practicing academic writing.

      I feel connected to you all. Blessings.

      • HarmoniousLife says:

        Dear Braveheart.
        I want to appreciate your courage to stand up for yourself and challenge your evaluation. And also on a favorable outcome. Too few women take these steps. Many sometime choose to walk away from the situation and I was one of them.

        I felt I was unfairly treated at my previous workplace after I had told them that I was getting married and possibly moving away from company’s HQ. Not only was the poor evaluation a shock to me but lack of my husband taking my side was a shock. He said I knew all along I would get a bad evaluation still didn’t take steps to prep myself to find another job.

        By God’s grace and my relentless efforts I found a job in his new town and moved in with him about 3 months after receiving the poor evaluation. I am actually quite glad that I decided to change employers. Although I’m paid less than the job before I know I’m valued much more.

        Please continue to be militantly on your own side!

        Love,
        Xxxx

  11. AnnabelL says:

    Fascinating story! On Monday night’s European Circle someone commented on how their body was their greatest teacher right now, and guiding them to their decisions. That really struck me. And since then I’ve tried to really listen to mine. And have received a few nuggets of guidance. One was that it wasn’t happy about having too much caffeine. Typically I drink just the occasional cup of regular tea, as a treat, and that feels fine. But in the past couple of weeks my O has thought WTF, I’m going to have one of my beloved cups of tea (I am an English girl…) every day. And actually, listening to my body, I have come to realise that is too much for my quite sensitive system and makes me feel too wired/affects my sleep. Then I had a scenario a few mornings ago where I was getting ready for a hospital appointment and my O had a freak-out and was crying and saying I don’t want to go, why do I have to do this. I was all upset with my husband for forgetting I had the appointment, and with the zip on my jeans for breaking when I tried to put them on. I was kind of freaking out to be honest. But then as soon as I got out of the house, and started walking and breathing properly and connecting back into my body, I realised I was actually fine. That the orphan had indeed been very present, but the Visionary rose up pretty quickly. And this was a Visionary, who despite the challenges, wanted to engage with life and with the world, who realised there is so very much to appreciate in it. And then yesterday morning, I woke up feeling sad, not for any very specific reason, but in that way sadness can just lodge itself into your cells. So during my meditation I sat with it, breathed right into it, held it in my awareness with loving attention. And I found that after 20 minutes it had significantly shifted, simply by bringing awareness to it. I am going to continue listening as much as I can to my body. Thanks to R on the call for inspiring me!

    • Gracelife says:

      Annabell I can absolutely relate to that part of feeling sad for now particular reason and I have also been upset for the zip breaking or the button just falling off the shirt :D When in reality I was actually upset about the PMS cramps that were starting or the strange dream I had had the previous night but could not share with anyone. Taking your sadness with you to a meditation session is a great idea :)

  12. heather1975teaching says:

    I have had similar experiences on this journey..you almost hope someone doesn’t call you back so you can continue to avoid what scares you…it’s like a passive form of denial. Lately my guidance has come in the form of realizing that I can’t control my body, only my reaction to what is going on…this has been a struggle for many years. For me, my issues with control and patience are orphans I work with daily, surrendering ” to what is ” is my challenge embrace. I have been working with imagery disc 1 and rereading the fertile female.

  13. Sparxy says:

    Wow, this is so relevant to me and how I feel about myself in general. I definitely use an orphan lens when viewing myself and my life. I look in the mirror and see the things I want to change about myself. I think about my day and think about the things that I did wrong. I had an experience recently in which I had to take care of a patient in a very trying, traumatic situation. Some complications happened and I just felt horrible about the patient and how I had done my job. I couldn’t stop thinking about how if I could just be different, things would be better. But then, one of the nurses on my team told my colleague that she was very impressed with my care. That meant so much and shifted my lens. I know that I should not rely on external feedback to derive my self-worth, but sometimes, outside guidance means so much.

    The calls also provide so much guidance – listening to all of you is so illuminating, even if I don’t always speak up (I’m kind of nervous on the calls). On the last call, when Julia talked about finding sweetness in our practice, it struck a nerve. I find myself viewing the practice as an onerous assignment, another thing to check off on my to-do list. So I am trying to shift my orphan lens for that as well. What can I do today that is visionary-rooted? I made an awesome dinner last night with my husband and it felt good, a lot of sweetness in that.

    The imagery that I always go back to is Orchard of Possibilities. It is in the Fertile Female and I’ve always loved it. I actually feel physically different when I sit under the tree and imagine myself pregnant.

    • butterflyfaith says:

      Me too, Sparxy. Me too! I find myself viewing my FH practice as a chore, or just one more thing on my to-do list that must be checked off so I can crash on the couch and watch Orange Is the New Black on Netflix. To be fair, I find myself feeling that way about A LOT of things in my life right now. Even showering, washing my face, answering emails, cleaning the kitchen, getting intimate, grocery shopping, seeing friends, cooking, etc. That’s disturbing to realize I’ve been feeling like this. So Monday’s call where Julia talked about finding sweetness in the practice was a very big snowflake for me. I need to find sweetness in the everyday, and not see every to-do item as a chore. I don’t spend a lot of time refilling my own well, so that’s a problem.

      I view MUCH through the orphan lens. This is nothing new in my life, but actually seeing it for what it is IS new. I find SO many thoughts and choices guided by fear. That is the main emotion of my life right now. It’s gotten a lot worse since I lost my mom, too. I fear countless things, and the thought that I can pass this neurotic nature on to my kids is heartbreaking. I put up a good front, but inside, fear rules. Especially when it comes to health issues/body issues.

      I’ve been working with Tree of Faith and Surrender, because I’m tired and feeling pretty out of control about everything these days. I’ve been dialing back to a few calls ago, when Julia talked about being happy when orphans show up, to welcome them and embrace them, asking them to tell me what’s going on. I’m trying that, but I’m not real clear on HOW to do that. My first and strongest reaction is to push them away, scold them, get mad at them for being so loud/bratty/nasty/judgmental/bitter/sad. So what I’m trying to do this week is just say “Well hello! You’re here” whenever one shows up. Like today. I saw an older, heavyset lady with twins. Instead of my usual orphan banter (“She’s older than you are and she has TWO! She’s heavier than you and she has TWO! She’s luckier than you! God thinks she’s a better mom than you are! blah blah blah”), I just took a deep breath and thought “Oh, look! Bitter and Angry is here! Good morning!” That’s as far as I got today. But at least I didn’t run with the orphan stream of thought, nor did I mentally slap myself for thinking such things in the first place. I will probably switch to Field of Creation this weekend. It’s my gold standard, and I always find new information whenever I play with that imagery.

      • Gracelife says:

        oh Butterfly that sounds like me too. She’s heavier than me, or older than me, or has so many health complications or didn’t even want the child in the first place..yet.. yet she has her baby and I don’t.That little orphan is always there, wanting to be reassured by me that if it can happen for those women then it an happen for me too. I use those opportunities to remind myself how simple and natural conception actually is. If I look at it that way :) I just have to get out of my own way and allow it.

        • Chopin says:

          Gracelife and butterflyfaith,

          thank you both for reminding me of welcoming our orphans when they appear. I find that when I am sweeter to myself, I can hold my stance more firmly, and speak up for myself. Our neighbor just gave birth to her second child, and I have a feeling my sister in law is expecting her second child as well. And I do in the back of my mind think how can this be? At the same time I wonder how to be sweet to this orphan? Wouldnt it be wonderful if when my brothers wife tells us of her pregnancy, I may already be pregnant myself? I wonder about this, because a friend of mine when she was expecting said maybe wed be pregnant together? Something about that is comforting. Maybe I don’t want to be pregnant and alone. My husband was seriously ill in the past and I feared I would lose him. Maybe thats where this fear comes from. Now he is very healthy and even his sperm returned after chemotherapy. Something I believed would happen, yet couldnt know if it would happen. I feel the same way about pregnancy now.

  14. MamaCat says:

    Sure enough I discovered another orphan. I have my prominent beautiful strong miss perfect lonely sweetheart in her pretty blue dress…but I need to nurture punk rock, defeatist orphan who doesn’t feel good enough to actually get the family she so desperately yearns for. Thank you thank you thank you. I can feel myself healing already.

  15. MamaCat says:

    I discovered another orphan after tonight’s call. It is the one who feels defeated and hopeless and disregards my other orphan who wants attention and love. My blue dress, blonde haired perfect little girl but lonely and hopeful orphan wants my punk rock, feminist I can’t rely on men orphan to know that we/I are completely worthy of love and giving love. That a great guy will love me just the way I am one day and as a result of this practice, but being a mom… I am already a great mom. I just need to nurture angry, cynical orphan. Hug and acknowledge and give quality time to lonely orphan. Brillant. Thank you thank you thank you Julia!

  16. gutsymama says:

    I feel like I always have some guidance shining its way to me. I konw a couple of times on the calls when I was presented with a difficult question and my phone would disconnect – sometimes more than once. I offer my voice to the UM and bestower of babies and then it is hard to hear me on the call. However I do reconize it now. I reconize it as guidance and somehow someway my orhpan is crying out and I can actually hear her. Putting my voice out there is scary – it is scary to make yourself vulenrable by opening up and speaking. I want to challenge myself and continue to walk in the direction of my visionary action and continue to speak up and listen to my fears. Hear them. Feel them. Then heal them.

  17. Miraculouslife says:

    Wow, this is such an incredible experience!! Reminds me of my fear filled orphan that considered the whole pregnancy & motherhood as a “dangerous” path. As usual you have identified this aspect of my orphan way back during few of our conversations but it took me almost a year to figure out & for the orphan to really come out of the hiding fully. My constant fear filled dream themes that came around ovulation time (thanks for dream journal), especially my dream where I feared for my life to save myself from getting infected with Ebola virus, me walking down the lonely, isolated, fear stricken paths with snakes & scorpions – all these when replaced with pregnancy & motherhood made perfect sense & thanks a ton to you Julia for guiding me to better understand my dreams. Only after working through those terrified orphans, I could co-create a cleaner, conception friendly space within my body & heart & clearly it worked.
    Currently I am struggling with few conflicting orphans & my orphan is at the wheel & I am not making enough effort to work on the orphans either. Once I get some clarity, i will post my experience again. Thanks for sharing this beautiful post Julia !!

  18. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Julia, that story is amazing. There must surely be something going on with orphans there – the panicked orphan.

    I have been working with the imagery of telling the Bestower of Babies what I am willing to give for this child and Wailing Wall Fertile Heart body truth. The Bestower of Babies for me at this time is a very special religious figure for our Faith. I told Him I am willing to give raising my child to be helpful to humanity, also more lately trust in Him/God/the Ultimate Mom. This morning when offering trust I felt a blessing on my head and I was reminded of a time when I was expecting my son (I believe it was then.) I had been attending a church that was not my own Faith enough times to make friends, and they said “Have the pastor bless your baby”. I agreed with some fear in my heart. I believe this was the occasion, but I believe the pastor touched my head and you were supposed to let go and let some of the members of the church catch you as you fell backwards. I believe I did this and there was a lot of wrestling inside me about whether I was willing to trust this process. For me this is a wonderful image of what trust is – just totally letting go even though there could be a risk of falling.

    Blessings to all



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