I mean You!
Stepping into the season of celebrations I want to first tell you that I LOVE YOU. You! I don’t mean the generic anonymous “readers of my blog.” I mean You.
The You I am or have been in relationship with.
The You whose lows and highs of the motherhood journey I’ve witnessed week after week on our calls and in the workshops. The You who have trusted me to reveal the fragile, vulnerable parts of your fertile selves.
I’m not confessing the kind of “divine love” that I hear some spiritual teachers profess toward humanity or the followers at their retreats. I’m not really sure how I feel about humanity as a whole. No, I’m not giving up hope, that’s not something any of us can afford to do. But I have no illusions about the need for radically fast forwarding our evolution.
Thank you for hearing me!
But back to my love and my adoration of YOU. I adore you, beautiful Visionary Moms who have responded to my invitation to genuinely engage on this blog in both our introductory and Visionary Circles, in a way that this beautiful Fertile Heart OVUM Birthing Practice demands of us.
Yes, it’s the practice that demands a deeper conversation. It’s a creation. Not a product I manufactured. But truly a creation that came through me the same way my children did; came through me after a long gestation, lots of contractions and countless expert midwifery especially on the part of my astonishing partner, Edward Nathan Baum. Not a single wall of this FertileHeart schoolhouse could have been built without immense commitment on his part. Thank you, my darling husband!
And of course not a single wall could’ve been built without you and all the Moms who have come and gone through the doors of this schoolhouse. I hope some of them are reading this blog and take a few minutes to say hello.
Miracle challenge – the easy and not so easy
So during this season of miracles. as each year, I’m inviting you to start celebrating our unquestionably fertile selves through a miracle challenge.
No, not a miracle challenge asking for the Universe to deliver the next item on our wish list.
The miracles that make our wishes come true are easy to celebrate.
The question is, how do we invite ourselves to view all aspects of our lives through a miracle lens?
When three big bellied mamas show up at the next holiday party and it feels as though—the baby market closed just before we got there and the child meant for us was handed over to one of those three lucky moms—where do we find the strength to see their pregnancies as our guiding miracles?
I’m not talking about denying the more painful feelings rising up in us; I’m inviting ourselves to use our Fertile Heart Toolkit to turn it all–the desirable and the not so desirable, the easy and the not-so-easy–into a source of strength.
As each year, the miracle challenge I’m initiating is about co-creating a grateful, conception-friendly space in which we go through our days with eyes open for gifts. Large and small. An event, encounter, feeling, an insight, a a thought, that we choose to see through a miracle lens.
What we can also do is co-create a miracle for someone else. Do something that might feel for someone else, a loved one or a stranger, like an unexpected act of grace.
Better yet, you could be, if only for a few moments in the coming weeks, the miraculous, brave, generous you, which you’ve been waiting for this baby to deliver.
And let’s support each other by sharing our miracles right here in the comments section.
Happy Holidays to all!
Dear Julia and Fertile Mamas! Happy New Year to you all! I have been reading the blog a lot but have not had a moment to sit down and think or write about my miracle. Today, on Russian Orthodox Christmas day, I realised what my miracle is: having found Julia last year and becoming and being part of the fertile heart community. This Christmas has been a very hard one, with my family being at our tiny flat, celebrating while I was ill with the flu, still “required” to cook and do all the hosting (with a lot of help from my amazing husband). It was miserable on my end, but everyone else enjoyed it, apparently. Nobody mentioned my fertility journey, so I felt slightly odd and not very truthful or connected. My disappointment Orphan has been on a rampage! I see that it is a hard topic for the family, so I do not push it on them. However, what I celebrate now is that I am able to climb out of my “dark hole” with the help of imagery and body truths, and especially, the guided meditation. Thank you Julia! I am still on my journey, finding more of my strengths, choosing my allies carefully and being grateful for my life as it is. Here is to an amazing 2016 for everyone in the fertile heart community!
With love and peace,
FearlessRose
Happy New Year Visionary Mamas!
For the past few weeks, I have been waiting for a miracle to happen that I could contribute to the blog. Things were going fine but nothing earth-shattering occurred. I think I finally realized over the weekend that my miracle was allowing myself to take vacation time over the holidays and not work anyway. I have spent countless vacations working to keep up with obligations and to make my work and clients happy. Maybe this miracle was being in the rural South where I could barely get a cell phone signal let alone internet access so I literally could not connect to work. And the thunderstorms also affected my access. I actually had a relaxing visit with my in-laws, and then had a week of downtime at home, where I focused on things I needed to do to take care of myself and my older cat who has some chronic issues.
In the back of my mind, I was dreading going back to work today. I expected an avalanche of work to catch up on as a punishment for taking time off. In contrast, it was quiet and I just focused on things I couldn’t get to before my break. I had a good day at work for the first time in ages! This was a miracle for me, strange as it sounds. Maybe it is possible for me to work at this job and with these co-workers and the never-ending parade of pregnancies without being so overwhelmed and stressed out that I can’t imagine adding a baby to the load.
I appreciate the miracles that everyone else has shared, as they inspire me and remind me what this journey is all about.
Happy New Year to all amazing Visionary Mamas! I had a miracle occur last night and I just nhad to share with this wonderful circle!
I had a wonderful morning yesterday with a friend of mine and her kids and we were discussing goals and priorities for the new year. She is very supportive of my fertility journey and has the courage to ask about how things are going. I explained how my theme for 2016 is about simplifying and refocusing my life, and part of that includes the Visionary decision to opt out of the useless data and distraction of social media. We talked about clearing out the clutter of life and how freeing that is!
Last night my dear grandfather appeared to me in a very vivid dream. He died 20 years ago at the age of 80, but he was about 60 years old in my dream. In his working years he owned a hardware store. He came to my home to tell me he was dropping of some things for me. When I asked why he was there, he didn’t respond, he just smiled and said he was there to drop some things off. He proceeded to begin unloading truckloads of old hardware supplies and knicknacks into a big storage area. There were two items that appeared to me that were quite valuable, one was a bright red and small, and though I don’t recall what it was, it had something to do with valuable family memories. These I wanted to keep. In my dream I told my mother that he was there and she insisted that I keep all of these items. My mother has a very strong need for control and to be in charge of her family’s decisions. She insisted that I could not get rid of them, and that I must keep them. The implication being that it would be disrespectful not to. I firmly said, no I don’t. I don’t need to keep these things, I don’t have to hold on to clutter! This is what he (my grandfather) came to tell me! I don’t NEED it, and don’t have to hold onto it. I have been empowered to make yet another visionary rooted decision, whether others agree with it or not, I don’t need extra clutter!
My grandfather and I were quite close and sadly he did not live long enough to see me get married or to meet my beautiful son. I have missed him greatly over the years but in my dream, he was with me, telling me to let go of the clutter and then quietly disappearing to let me do just that. This was a miraculous moment with a message, and it was one I may have missed if not for the miracle of the FH practice.
May 2016 be a miraculous clutter-free year for all of us!
This is such a beautiful blog post. My miracle is that in spite of the challenges of this year, which have had me on my knees at times (and with plenty of starring roles for my various orphans), is that I am also able to keep returning to a deep sense of gratitude and of joy for all the things in my life that are wonderful – both the bigger things like my lovely husband, and also to truly appreciate the smaller passing moments without always having to cloud them with an “if only…” Challenging as this journey is, my visionary realises that it’s also a privilege to be delving in, to be learning to see the world in a different way, and one that without this challenge I would not have. It’s also a miracle that pretty much every teacher I’m picking up along the way, from Julia to the yoga teacher I’m currently training with is inviting me to see life in the same essentially way: eg to welcome the sticky parts, to get to know them, and to know that they can be food for growth and transformation, and to trust in the journey of my life.
RaeSF, many congratulations! It is wonderful and inspiring to hear of your pregnancy. I remember you from the European calls, which I was on earlier in the year. I even remember you saying you were considering going back to that one embryo. Amazing story…
Dear all,
I want to share the miracle of finally sharing about this work and circles with my mother. She was very curious about it and we had such nice time. This was one of the most beautiful holidays I remember with her. After the holiday, however, she started saying I shouldn’t listen to the women in the circles, etc. It hurt me and I am now getting ready to write a letter to my mom, where I will be making it clear what I like about this group – you are all miracles to me – if she feels threatened by it, that is her orphan. I realize the power for me is to be able to formulate what I want and what I would like. I love you and I love my mom, there is no contradiction in this for me. I have enough love to give. That is my realization of the holiday season. I have been doing Rock the Baby Body Truth, Doorway to the Expert Within and Possibility.
Also my mother-in-law gave us a miracle when she called for my husband’s birthday and said for the first time she hopes we will have a baby. She never asked in ten years. Only talked about how she will never have any children, since none of my sister in laws have children. Now she said this! She wished her son that maybe for his next birthday he will be bouncing a baby on his knees. I thanked her for saying it, kept saying how nice of her to say that. She didn’t realize she never said this wish for us out loud.
Here is to miracles, ladies!
Hi Chopin
I wanted to write to you that I had the same experience. of course the only difference is that my mom never really said anything directly to me. Only after I conceived and became pregnant just off late she said that she never really understood what I was up to and was scared that I was going some route that is unknown and has no proof that it delivers a baby. Again that’s her orphan state. Knowing my fierce temperament she never dared to say that directly to me before. Whenever she shared it with my dad, he used to ask her to mind her own business and not interfere in what I was doing as he at least he thought I was doing some good work that made sense to me and it was not right to be judgmental about what I was doing. My mom mentioned all this to me and I told her i was glad she didn’t open up such discussions with me in the past.
The whole point is not everyone, even our own parents, siblings, in some cases spouses (glad mine could see and feel clear difference of how this work was transforming me into a better human being), best friends don’t understand why and what we are doing and when they turn judgmental it just hurts us pretty bad. But if their understanding power is limited and they do not have open minds, which is what I have discovered about many people (esp those who are on this path itself), then what is the point wasting our energy in explaining how this works or why you picked it? Are we looking for their buy in and support? This was the orphan that showed up last year for me. I was dependent on my mother completely and was looking for her support in everything i was doing, I was trying to prove to her that I was making progress, how i am growing up. In all that I was doing, I needed her to hold my hand. But again this was my orphan. I was thankful to her for showing no confidence on me or on my efforts, because this brought up the most powerful orphan out of me.
Most Happy New Year to all the fertile mamas out there! Was at a New Years Eve celebration last night where the hostess was passing around her 10 month old baby and people were discussing there kids. I felt a bit left out and was sitting more with the men last night because they were discussing the new Star Wars movie and I thought I at least could be a part of that conversation and have something to offer.
What I would really love to do in 2016 is learn to find joy more. I think I have been doing it before but then I can fall in these pits of sadness that are very difficult to climb out of. I want to learn to support myself more and more and remember kindness and patience are 2 important attitudes I have learned on this journey to mother myself.
Dear all
Thank you for your comments and deep sharing on this, and previous blogs. I’ve been on here most days this past week or so, and your words have been a real lifeline to this practice.
I’ve had a lot of solo time this holiday, sitting in my inner darkness, in candlelight, sleeping a lot and dreaming strange dreams. It’s been really hard at times, but I’m so grateful to myself for not putting myself in a situation in all the festivities where I couldn’t be true to my own rhythms and to the intensity of my feelings that have taken so long to bubble to the surface. I’ve felt this dark part of the year to be like a womb to my visionary self who is taking time to emerge.
I did some journaling last night (using some great questions in the Unravelling 2016 workbook by Susannah Conway – highly recommended if you are looking for something like that, as it gives equal weight to the highs and lows). I really showed me how many gifts last year gave me. I hadn’t expected that, as it was absolutely the hardest year of my life (..so far…!). Without a doubt, my engagement with the FH has unwrapped some gifts that would no doubt have passed me by otherwise.
No, this is not a “happy” new year (FFS!), but it’s an honest one, a rich one and a stillpoint i am really grateful for. I realised that (together with the insights I’ve been getting along the way with the FH enquiry) being in touch with my longing (in all the pain, panic and confusion that has brought with it) and the ongoing heartbreak of ending a relationship that was not serving my truth, have shown me my own heart in a way I’ve never known it before. I feel humbled and grateful. This doesn’t feel like the runners-up prize given to someone who doesn’t get the baby-trophy (which is what, in all honesty, i have thought when people talk about the rewards of the FH practice!). It feels like the gift someone on a mythical adventure gets to help guide her past the monsters that hide along the path and through the mountains.
I still step into 2016 with trepidation, uncertainty, confusion, reticence, questions and upset, and I can already see some challenges in my path that I honestly don’t know if I can meet with the kind of courage, fortitude and skill they require. But there’s a new commitment to myself and a new rhythm to my steps; the heartbeat of being alive and following my longing. Thank you again for all your support along the way. I’m glad to be spending time with you – on here and on the calls.
Much love to you as you follow your hearts through this bewildering and beautiful landscape of fertility and motherhood xxx
Your language is poetic. Much love and appreciation to you too for sharing your journey.
Thanks Sparxy. I tend to think in images and sensations so it’s always been a challenge to find the right words. I’ve discovered on here that it’s very therapeutic to write out my experiences and thoughts, and be heard by other mamas, so my comments tend to be long! I admire those who can be succinct, although I do get a lot out of the writing. Really glad to be with you on this journey xx
Dearest Fertile Mamas
I wanted to wish you all a very Happy New Year. I hope and pray that all of our dreams come true in 2016 and that it is a powerful year for our community.
Take care and so grateful that you are all here.
Love, Esther x
Thanks Esther
That’s such a lovely message and feels very different to the Happy New Year wishes I’ve received so far. Those have felt like happiness is somehow compulsory and excluding of every other kind of feelings!
Coming from you however, a fellow fertile mama, it feels soulful and heartfelt, and silently acknowledging of the different aspects of this journey. So thank you, it’s nice to feel I can celebrate the turning of the year with someone who really gets this.
Here’s to our dreams and that powerful year for our community.
Hx
Dear mermaidmom, and Sparxy,
Thank you so much for being here.
mermaidmom – Wow – wonderful for art and connection!
Sparxy – Wonderful for engaging as a visionary with your husband and mother and that your husband opened up to you! Thank you for your caring words to me about life force. One creative idea is an area I am exploring with crafts. I am currently planning making paper roses with some women in my religious community and combining it with a spiritual portion.
I am currently doing Sacred Choices from imagery CD 1 and Self-confidence and pregnancy body truth. One miracle for me is figuring out something related to phones for my daughter that I believe will be really helpful. I am so grateful for this. Another area of focus for me is working on feeling awesome physically. I’m so not there right now – one aspect being sleep challenges – we had alarms going off at random times in our house. I think it is finally solved. Random alarm times including like 4 or 5 in the morning, etc. But I like the focus on feeling awesome anyway.
Blessings to all.
Hi GSD Robin
I’m really interested to hear about your body truth, are these on the CD under another name, or are they ones you have found your way to yourself?
Your creative projects sound great. Here’s to feeling awesome physically and hope you’ve had plenty of sleep now!
Hx
Dear All,
I have been reading the comments on this blog since it was posted. It’s been such a pleasure reading and being able to relate to some of them, after having met or heard your voices on the phone in the past few days. I pondered about what I wanted to write. So here it goes. I apologize it’s a long comment. I witness myself finding miracles in the small things in life. And I am also able to identify an orphan or two when she shows up.
I have started doing Yoga very recently after buying a book on Yoga for fertility. I feel that this is the right path for me. I am not doing a lot. Only 10 mins a day and it’s been mainly just legs up the wall pose. But I have been doing it for a week – one of the longest stretch of me consistently doing Yoga at home. It feels good. What motivated me to do it is the fact that I had to start with my second hormone balancing prescription medicine last week. I read about the side effects. A voice inside me (she was probably the Visionary) told me to do Yoga and I won’t have the side effects. So far so good. I had an upset stomach this afternoon which could be a side effect or something else. But overall I am doing better than reported side effects on the internet.
A happy coincidence that I rediscovered a book I intended to read 5 years ago! It’s a copy of an Autobiography of an American Saint (Journey Home) signed by the author. I simply happened to read about it on Quora the other day, and I have now started to read it. It has a very good flow, and full of healing messages. When I was doing an imagery today, I felt a calming effect. The first line of ‘Meeting your child halfway’ about the “intensity of longing” directly connected with the theme of the book. The monk had a longing for spiritual enlightenment and he went through many many obstacles including some life threatening ones for his longing. Before the imagery exercise today, it did not occur to me that this is the real message the book wants to give me.
I haven’t been doing imagery twice a day which I intend to do. I put it off till the end of the day and then I end up going to bed too late, and sometimes I am not awake enough to do the imagery. That’s an orphan that I need to recognize, show some love, and work on. I have had a history of not being disciplined in my daily routine, for a while, sleeping late, then struggling to wake up in the mornings.
Another orphan showed up for me, when I was reading Mandy Queally’s blog post and one on the public challenge that Julia had given to Mandy almost exactly 5 years back. I felt motivated to commit to my practice reading it. But at the same time I realized that my husband is not with me when I am doing the practice. We did one imagery together on the day we had a follow up call for workshop attendees. But we never discussed if it had any effect on him, what we experienced. But he made it clear that he is not keen on doing this with me. Sometimes he has expressed his thoughts about the work not being fruitful, or not scientifically proven etc. Those are the days I need to do more imagery to stay on my own course. I believe in this work. Coming to my orphan, sometimes when I see comments with fertile heart mums who get support from their husbands like Mandy’s did, which is great, my jealous orphan has showed up. I need to pay attention to her. I wished we would be on this path together with the practice. But I need to accept that every mom’s journey is unique. I need to be content with what I receive from others and continue on my path with hope and courage and without fear.
Coming back to the miracle discussion – I found a new friend few days ago after we both spontaneously opened up with our respective medical struggles. We have known each other for about a year but haven’t hung out a lot. And guess what we discovered that we share the same condition/symptoms. She educated me about her path to address her condition and I shared with her about Fertile Heart website, Julia’s work, and that we went for her workshop in Woodstock. A very few of my friends know about me going for the workshop so far. I felt a burden lift off my shoulders and felt the bliss that comes with the promise of a new friendship with her.
This experience showed me how a woman can help herself if only she reaches out and shares her pain with another ready to receive. And sometimes I need to take that first step of reaching out. Thank you Julia for giving us a community where we can share our thoughts and burdens and joys! And thank you for this blog to consciously help me look at my life through a miracle lens.
Wishing all the best and love to all you fertile moms and dads with all my heart. Thank you again Julia!! I know I wouldn’t be where I am at this moment without your work, and without being part of your workshop in Woodstock on December 5th. I feel the healing has continued starting from the day I signed up for the workshop, long after I returned home and I trust that it will go on.
-Purnima.
i have needed to reflect and ponder for many days before articulating what I feel is my miracle. I have more than one! First, it is a miracle I attended the workshop in Woodstock earlier this month. Just being there with others and Julia was empowering! It was a huge step for me to attend!! Second, I am feeling so much more engaged with my husband and only child. In this quest for a second child I have suffered 4 miscarriages. 3 of those were in December, very close to Christmas. I had to put on my smiley face, be happy and look like Christmas was enjoyable. Underneath this front I was hurting. I found Julia’s work and got to it, after also some intense therapy sessions and even some medication to help me sleep so I could function physically. This holiday season I am in a much different place. I feel peace. I feel love from my son, husband, family, and this FH community. The only medicine I take now is from the imagery and body truth CDs. I am engaged, connected, and committed to this practice! I learned over the last 2 years that dabbling in it is not nearly as helpful! I am now fully engaged and don’t miss a day. Third, I have yet another miracle to report. My sister has invited me to partner with her in hosting a retreat. She has titled it “Embrace Connection”. I have a passion for art and she has seen recently that I am really spreading my wings! I am creating so much art!! She has asked me to lead the art / meditation / journaling portion of the retreat. She has witnessed how much my dream journal, meditation, imagery, body truth and art work has helped me to connect. It is an ongoing process that takes dedication and guts!! I’m ready to share it with others. So…. I suppose to sum it up… my miracle is CONNECTION! I am connected more fully to my family, this community (I’ve never replied to any blog before or attended a workshop this emotional and personal!), and to MYSELF. I strongly feel that this connection miracle is possible because I am actually listening to my UM and taking action!! Thank you Julia!! Your work is so powerful and helpful. Thank you for listening to your UM and taking action!! An absolute miracle!!”
Identifying miracles was definitely a good challenge for me this holiday – I had some challenging experiences with my family as well as with my husband’s 20-year old son. He brings out every orphan I have, including some I didn’t even know about. I found myself feeling: rejected, hopeless, alone, afraid and crying in the bathtub on Christmas afternoon. I worked hard to sit with these orphans and comfort them as well as myself, but didn’t feel particularly successful. But two miracles came out of this –
When we were alone, my husband shared that he was really disappointed about his son’s behavior and that he has failed as a parent and as a partner because he can’t give me the child I want. He’s never really said that before, never really shared his own feelings about this journey. I tried to be V-UM as possible and just was present and reassuring. I feel like it was one of our most intimate moments, so that felt like a miracle.
I also had a long conversation with my mom. Our relationship can be fractious at times, but she was very supportive and kind. I tried to change the way we were communicating a bit. I tried hard to react as a Visionary and not as an Orphan and also to recognize when she was responding as the Orphan. She has had some very traumatic experiences and I need to remember that. Our interaction felt really good.
I hope you are all doing well.
Dear In The Moment , mlee, butterflyfaith, Stacyw, Spparxy, Brave Caterpillar, Openhearted, and Heartsease,
In The Moment – Congratulations on losing weight and feeling empowered.
mlee – Wonderful for caring for yourself
butterflyfaith – Great for using the tools insight. I’m sorry you’re grieving the loss of your mom, particularly at this time of year. I have been there with losing parents. It gets better. Hugs to you!
Stacyw – Wonderful for being at peace and being a more compassionate doctor
Sparxy – Wonderful that this practice is healing.
Brave caterpillar – Wonderful for working with fighting parents
Openhearted – Wonderful for healing your loaf and twinkles!
Heartsease – Wow – Congratulations on improving your health and wonderful for having many helpful supporters.
Thank you so much all for being here.
I have been doing the Backpack Fertile Heart Imagery (Imagery I0 and Elbows First Body Truth. In the Backpack imagery it asks to consider all the things we hope the baby will bring including success, self-esteem and so forth and get these things somewhere else. As a child self-esteem had a rough go from a very critical dad (whom I grew to love dearly before he passed as his whole attitude towards me totally changed) That is definitely part of the picture. A miracle happened for me when a good friend I had been corresponding with since college said in an annual Christmas letter that she and her husband were good friend with an ex-boyfriend of mine (a pretty serious one) and his wife and they were delighted to have been spending some time together recently – the 4 of them. This young man (in my opinion) was not kind to me because after spending at least a year seriously dating and discussing a future together he said he couldn’t marry me because “What would his friends think???” I was crushed at the time and knowing this friend of mine was friends with him felt very uncomfortable – my “you’re not a success ” orphan came out particularly when the Christmas letter turned to everyone’s kids complete with pictures for my friends family. The wonderful thing was I discussed the whole thing with my husband. I’ve known this for years that he had had a similar experience with a young lady (before me ). So my husband said “I completely understand” even though I was talking about an ex. How great is that.
I’ve also been pondering what would be awesome for me with or without another child. Not knowing my husband’s job situation is presenting many options, but many doable things. I have a very creative side of me that I sometimes have to turn off for abundance of ideas being too overwhelming..
Blessings to all
Gravid – That is a really interesting story about your ex-boyfriend. People that we have not seen or maybe even thought about in a long time still can make orphans emerge, for me, and probably for all of us. I am excited to hear you talking about your creative side. I hope to hear more from you about this because the fact that you have so many ideas is such a life force.
It is such a miraculous time of year but I generally think that of others. I feel I practice gratitude on a daily basis but to readily identify miracles in my own life is definitely a challenge for me. So after reading this blog and others’ comments, I have done some reflecting the last few days.
There have been some major changes in my life in the last few months and there are more to come in the upcoming year. These include work changes, living situations and my own physical changes of my body. I think the biggest miracle is that for the past 6 weeks or so I have learned to accept my body and love myself. I have been on a restrictive diet ( no sugar, dairy, carbs, etc) and have lost 18 lbs. For me ,this in and of itself is a huge miracle. I have always struggled with my weight but have managed to lose a little and then yo-yo for a bit. So my physical body feels fabulous and the best miracle that has come from this is that I don’t call myself ugly names anymore! I am not embarrassed about myself anymore and I feel much more confident. I didn’t recognize this as a miracle until this blog, but truly it is. This weight loss has brought me attention from co-workers, family and friends. It’s wonderful, positive, encouraging attention and I have practiced accepting that as well! ( I generally down play any positive feedback I receive.) A co-worker even said to me today, ” Even your personality has changed. You’re always smiling and in a good mood.” This felt great because it is true. I feel a fabulous new energy about me.
I firmly believe this positive energy I am finally exuding will help my V to choose my next step. For the last year, I have lost my way due to a mild depression, not knowing which way to turn. But now my UM is really giving attention to my orphans and I feel I am on the cusp of some more major changes. Of course I’m scared to death of what they may be, but I know it will be great.
I wish you all a peace filled holiday season.
Lori
Hi Lori! Your post really hit something on the head for me. (And congrats for your weight loss and health gain.) I loved how you focused not just on the physical changes, but the emotional and spiritual changes those physical changes inspired. I downplay my spiritual health a lot, and now I’m seeing that it is so very important. I may eat tons of greens and stick to a very healthy diet, but if I’m not feeding my soul and spirit the same sort of nourishment, I’m not going to be as healthy. The way you said you stopped calling yourself names really hit home. I don’t even realize I’m calling myself old and dumpy or whatever, but I am. You inspired me to feed my spiritual side so that my soul can be as healthy as my body. Good to hear from you.
It’s been hard for me to see my miracles lately. After my second miscarriage in early November this year, my husband and I decided to wait to try again until after the new year. I’ve just felt so overwhelmed with even doing anything. This journey is so exhausting – mentally and physically. One of the miracles that I have found through this practice is that some of my orphans have only surfaced to me once I became a parent. I have only recently realized that this journey of trying for a second child has been impeded by some long standing hurts, lonlieness, and pain that I have carried with me my entire life. FH has given me the permission to be my own person, my own Visionary Mom, someone who cares more about what’s best for her than what others think or believe. Sometimes this is challenging to put into practice, but FH gives me the wisdom to know the difference. A mentality of “there has to be another answer to this, another way of doing things” led me to this practice. It’s a call to service, and one I want to continue to answer. Thank you Julia for articulating what all of us feel, and for giving us the tools to emerge from very hungry caterpillars into beautiful butterflies!
Here’s my miracle for today. I’m compiling final grades for my college classes. And I have a number of students who were vocal, determined, energetic, usually present in class who really added to the class discussions. BUT they didn’t do the work. They showed up, but didn’t follow up. So I’m struggling with the grades because they are not passing my class and I feel for them. But then I link back to my work here with FH. I am them! I show up, I do my work in class, but then I leave my tools on the table as I rush out the door. More often than not, that’s me. Seeing this comparison really opened my eyes. I have seen it before, but today, as I’m doing grades, it has come to life like never before. I get it! You can’t just show up and expect to learn, expect changes. You have to take the tools and put them to work daily. As Julia reminds us, nothing works. YOU WORK.
It does not happen everyday but the past few days I have felt at peace. Truly at peace. I realized that my journey for my third baby has helped me to become a better doctor, more patient person, less judgmental person, and a better mom and wife. I have gone through fertility treatments and miscarriages. I have read several books from Julia list of spiritual books. I have done imagery and joined teleconference groups. All of these things I would have passed by if I had not longed for my baby. I have worked hard to change the way I view things. To be able to use these tools that I have learned to help get me closer to where I want to be. I feel fortunate for this opportunity. Don’t get me wrong. Everyday is not a perfect day. But I try to remember the tools that I have learned to deal with these times in a much more positive way.
Hi Stacy – Your comments are so resonant with me. I too have found a path that I never would have without Julia, Fertile Heart and all of the fertile mamas in this community. I am definitely a better, more compassionate doctor, more interested in food, nutrition and food activism, more open to possibility, working on patience. It’s a miracle that we have found this practice and each other. Much love.
I’ve been thinking about what is going to be my miracle this season. This past week I started working with Meeting your Child Halfway and my husband joined me. He was reluctant but I told him Julia said it was our homework and he agreed to do it. Then, when we finished he said he didn’t understand anything, she was going too fast, his mind was going too fast, and so on. I said all of that was normal, it was his first time. He had to be patient. Then, the second time I also suggested that we do our visualization. At the end he was quiet, I had to ask, how was it? any insights? he finished and didn’t ask about me. I started talking about me and I felt he was impatient or uncomfortable so I just stopped and went to take a shower. We didn’t speak again until the next morning. In the morning many more orphans kept showing up, from both of us, it was painful because his orphans called for mine and it was like an orphans’ war. But then when it all stopped I was thankful because I was able to recognize that those were our orphans speaking. Not him being mean or trying to hurt me intentionally or viceversa, but our orphans being scared of showing up and being open for each other. I think this is a wonderful miracle because we are going to have to see them and be patient and loving with them and with each other and what a wonderful gift for our future children. Both of our parents fought all the time and we always talk about how uncomfortable that was, I don’t want my children to go through that. So hopefully we can turn this around because we do love each other. Yesterday he was the one who suggested that we should do our visualization first, so that’s a good start I hope.
Hi Julia and all fertile mamas,
Julia your blog post is amazing and you mamas are posting wonderful miracles that make me want to dig deeper into my own practice and also search the o, v, and um deeper.
My miracle that occurred Wednesday. My gorgeous miracle daughter attends occupational and speech therapy for developmental delays. As I sat in the waiting room for an hour and half I watched different children come and go. One I was reminded of how precious life is, and two how each and every child no matter what was apparent on the outside had this inner twinkle about them. I enjoyed watching them smile, it brought a smile to my face.
Julia you also recommended giving myself something. So twice this week I have made time to exercise it felt great. I was running 10 miles a week every week two months ago but the weather change and a cold led me to stop. I forgot how much I enjoyed it. So I have vowed to give myself a walk or some kind of sweating a few times a week.
I also want to add to what Tracy said about the why me post. Lately I no longer wonder why me. I am grateful a high fsh number led me to scrounge the web otherwise I would never have found Julia, the imagery, you ladies, or this practice. I also would not have healed the depths of healing I needed and still need. I am definitely all around healthier since I found fertile heart. My holy human loaf was stuck in a pattern of pain which led to outward physical symptoms. No doctor was going to heal the loaf until I decided it was time to heal it. Thanks Julia and all you mamas for all your support the past 3 years!
so for today I just opened my eyes up to another miracle the healing this practice continues to bring me each and every day. I am a better mom now then I was three years ago. Never will I be perfect, but every day is a new day to try my best.
Thank you
OH
Hi all: Just a note to say I’m struggling with using my miracle lens lately. I got my cycle (right on time, says the Visionary. Piss off, scream my orphans), and it hit me really hard this month. I was much more relaxed about everything this cycle, doing a good job bowing to what is. Or so I thought. But obviously the stress of the holidays, trying to get pregnant, realizing it’s been 2 years since my last trip to the RE and coming to grips with Christmas without my mom have all smashed into me. I’ll be 44.5 next week, Mom’s birthday is the day after that and it will be our first holiday season without any parents at all. So yeah, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised I’m struggling right now. I just hoped this would be my Christmas miracle, a way to end this shit year on a high note. My orphans got very loud yesterday and made it impossible to hear or see any other reality. I’m feeling very worn down and old tonight. I did my body truth yesterday and that helped. So I will keep that up today. I’m just quite tired and beat up right now. In this season of hope and joy and miracles, it hurts to feel so hopeless. So back to the practice.
This IS your Christmas miracle,sweet ButterflyFaith, it’s your chance to finally be with that “hopeless” child and allow us, your sister-travelers to love this child with you. It’s your chance to be the Mom she never had. Give her a giant hug from me. After you do your Body Truth, take a look at Celestial Gravity in The Fertile Female, specifically the story of the two birds. And then keep choosing lovingly which bird to feed. Another big hug from me.
Ah, Julia. Thank you thank you thank you. To know you are there for me (and for all of us) warms my heart in a way that is so needed right now! The hopeless orphan is one I know so very well, I have a hard time seeing her as an orphan instead of as the real me. She’s been with me as long as I can remember. I know I was avoiding dealing with a lot of the realities of things that happened this year, and the Christmas season pushes them all to the front. We finally sold Mom’s house, the estate sale happened last night, etc., so it’s finally feeling real all of this loss. Getting my period–another loss, in my orphan world– really stuck a bright light on to all of my orphans. Sometimes, it’s only your voice, Julia, that can cut through this fog and light my way back to shore. So thank you! For even in my biggest of orphanage parties, I am always so grateful that this journey introduced me to you and to all of our sisters. Know your message means so much to me. Thank you for chiming in and turning on that light. I will continue to do my Body Truth (although right now, I feel a bit insane because my orphans are so angry, I must look totally possessed doing the exercises! ha ha. Maybe I’ll try to see if the hopeless one wants to come out.) and I will re-read that chapter. Thank you, Julia. I’m feeling the love. And here’s a hug back to you. This today was my miracle. Logging on and seeing this message and feeling that all hope might not be lost, no one has written me off (except for my age orphan, thankyouverymuch) and there are roads of healing I have yet to explore. Which means there is hope. Love to you and to all my fertile sisters out here.
Ouch… I hear you butterflyfaith… sending you the biggest fertile mama hug.
Really sorry to hear about your mom too. I guess the grief really will be rising up for you in this particular point in the year, in addition to the grief that comes at these times on this path.
I’m also cheering on the visionary in you who saw how well you were doing in managing your stress levels at a hugely stressful period so that your cycle was right on time (although right on mega disappointing too). It sounds like you have been serving yourself well with your practice for this to be the case.
I agree this season, all it symbolises and the way people come together in families to celebrate, really distills the feelings that come up around this challenging path. I’m so so sorry you didn’t get the high note you hoped for too. It sounds like it’s been a very tough year.
I hope the rich, potent darkness of this time of year wraps you lovingly in her cloak, and I hope you can find space over this coming week to be with the hopelessness and sadness, in tenderness, and that you can lean fully into your practice and the support you have from us.
Much love x
Thank you, H, for the loving comment. I really appreciate it. I am so thankful for mamas like you and for this practice. I have been so busy since Mom got sick, and especially since she passed, that I haven’t really moved through or embraced this hopelessness and grief. So I suppose it’s not a surprise it all came to be now, during this time of year. Add to that a cold and I’m not a happy mama right now. But reading your post let me realize that I must be doing somethings right, and FH is “working” because there is stuff in my body and life that works, and works well. I just need to curl up, quiet down, write it out and turn inward to heal what’s broken, and pass this year with love (and a swift kick in the ass as it makes its way out my front door). So today, your words sparking new ways of me looking at things is my miracle. Holiday blessings to you and all my fertile mamas.
Dear butterflyfaith, I hope you got your quiet time to feel and reflect on this year, and you are taking your first steps into this year feeling your UM firmly by your side and your body as your committed ally.
I’ve had a lot of solo time this holiday, deepening into my inner darkness, grief, fears and angers, and resting in the outer darkness with candles and firelight. I feel steadier for it, and so grateful to myself for not putting myself in a festive situation where I couldn’t be true to the intensity of my feelings, which have been taking a long long time to bubble to the surface.
I did some journaling last night (using some great questions in the Unravelling 2016 workbook by Susannah Conway). I was really surprised to discover how many gifts last year gave me, as it was absolutely the hardest year of my life (..so far…!). Without a doubt, my engagement with the FH has unwrapped some gifts that would no doubt have passed me by otherwise. I hope you got some satisfaction from kicking your 2015 in the ass – or lovingly embracing it, or whatever felt wholehearted and visionary at the time!
I have been on this blog almost every day, reading and rereading everyone’s comments to give me strength and solace. I really admired how you’d reached out and asked for support from Julia and this community. Your action and another Mama’s comment about the Learning how to Ask imagery has prompted me to start on that. It’s been really valuable already.
Hope you are over your cold now, and I look forward to reading yours and others’ comments as we all walk this path together.
Hx
Dear Ruth Hegarty, Heartsease, Sarah, Moving forward, Sparxy and butterflyfiath,
I’m sorry my last post got messed up.
Ruth Hegarty – Good luck with your job situation.
Heartsease – Wonderful for being supportive.
Sarah – good luck with experiencing the other couple’s pregnancy
Moving forward – Not comparing our lives to others is huge.
Sparxy – great work!
butterflyfaith – Interesting lens
Blessings to all
What a fantastic challenge, thank you Julia, for this and many more loving nudges along this path. I’ve been getting quite frustrated with myself for remaining in an O state lately, even though there’s a more compassionate part of me that tells myself I can’t force my visionary to take the reins. So here goes, not exactly forcing, just trying it out: my miracle is my current life assignment.
Yes, it’s a truly beautiful miracle that I found my way here, following the golden thread of a comment on an infertility forum mentioning Inconceivable, that caught my imagination. (My unending gratitude to the woman who wrote that, whoever and wherever she is.) And now I am here, with the commitment to dig deeper, with all the resources and skills I have learned over many years of therapies and soul searching, that allowed me to defy conventional medical prognosis to recover from more than a decade of illness, and to make major progress in recovering from my experiences of violence as a child, and grow into the adult I am. This miracle has given me a confidence in my capacity to stay present to the distressed, fearful and angry parts of myself, even though this has seemed unbearable in recent weeks. My current good health, even with this hormonal disruption, truly is a miracle. My earlier healing journey has also given me contact with some amazing complementary health practitioners who are able to support me and suggest other modalities or practitioners to try.
Another miracle is that I have tracked my fertility signs for around 10 years now, having used Natural Fertility Awareness as an alternative to hormonal contraceptives and as a way to become more intimate with my body, nature’s cycles and the miracle of fertility. This makes me acutely aware of the hormonal changes I’m experiencing and will hopefully enable me to identify when I am ovulating (which seems to be a rare event nowadays) even though my fertility signs aren’t as clear as they used to be. It is a miracle that I studied this method, and studied physiology at university, so that I can better understand the (rather excessive) online research I am doing to find ways of understanding and talking about these fertility issues that are different to the disempowering and mechanistic explanations proffered by conventional medics, that seem to exclude any healing potential.
Still another miracle is that several years ago I found work with employers who are good enough to have offered me three months off to find a steadier place within the hormonal mood swings and panic attacks, as well as a few months coming up in a role that has the potential to be much less demanding and stressful. Add to this the generosity and care of my team that I used to manage, including one colleague who came to meet me in a cafe the other day to help make my return to work easier next month, and her adorable three year old boy who did his best to cope with his frustrations about sitting in a cafe for an hour when he wanted to be at home. He absolutely reminded me just how much I want to mother with huge respect for these small people with big emotions, and how I feel I will be good at that, some of the time at least!
Yet another miracle is that my brother is a horse vet, who specialises in horse fertility, and knows about AMH and colour doppler scanning, so I didn’t have to explain my results, and he could offer some interesting perspectives, and even a few careful jokes. I am so grateful for the beautiful miracle of his two gorgeous daughters, my amazing nieces, whose arrival sparked the healing of our previously troubled relationship, so that he is now a major support in this journey.
The most recent miracle is the drain covers that seem to have suddenly appeared across town, with FH embossed on them. (A bit like the hollywood walk of fame!) They have appeared in front of me at my glummest moments (when I’m looking down I guess) and have brought a smile to my face as I am prompted to make my very next step on the Fertile Hearted path.
Wow. That was fun! Thanks again Julia and all the fertile mamas sharing their miracles. Christmas is a good time of year to bow to the grace that, mostly unseen, shapes our lives, and to the miracle of fertility and motherhood, and the miracle of a community such as ours. I have been dreading Christmas this year, once again single, and still without the child I long for. Unsure whether to choose between tagging onto other families’ celebrations or taking time to myself at home. I’m still not quite sure how to be with it all, but the gratitude for all these miracles that show me, alongside the heartache of the lonesome O, I am not doing this journey alone, and nor do I have to.
Thank you for sharing your miracles I imagined my visionary walking with you and felt the waves of healing and blessings!
I so thank you for this “The You who have trusted me to reveal the fragile, vulnerable parts of your fertile selves.” You created a space to reveal and you helped me to go so deep some time and held the mirror so I could really see me.
I’ve been thinking so much about how your work transformed my relationship with challenging emotions and how I want to continue to bring that to my immediate world. Instead of always moving away from pain or sadness, recognizing that it is an important part of the human fabric, can fuel change, and has to be included in our lives. When I’m sad, I can sit with sadness…it’s a constant practice, though.
About a year ago, Joe and I was creating intentions for the upcoming year. I included a photo of a pregnant belly, a bit reluctantly, because my disappointment orphan wasn’t happy with me. Now I’m reflecting on that time last year and in awe of the miracle of my pregnancy. I’m more than 4 months now, and I am still amazed.
Ah, Congratulations RaeSF!!!! I think you mostly attended European calls. We would love to hear your snowflake story. Whenever you plan to share the details, could you please take time and add it to this thread? http://www.fertileheart.com/forum/topic.php?id=19612
(betn I am just abt to complete my 4th month too)
I have read and re-read this blog. I was in fact waiting for this blog as from past couple of years, Julia always gave us an opportunity to challenge ourselves. After reading this blog, I went back to last year’s blog and many of the other blogs and was seeing my own responses and how this work and Julia’s incredible guidance has brought huge shifts in me. THANK YOU JULIA for really investing your extremely precious time on me, introducing me to the vulnerable parts of me, giving me confidence and providing relentless support that it was absolutely okay to feel the toughest of toughest emotions, for challenging me multiple times throughout this journey, sometimes being a strict teacher, making me conscious of my own actions and words. I can see the stark difference in what I am after my intro to you and the FH tools. I am always indebted to this work and to you.
I have promised you that after I get pregnant, after i have my baby, still I will support my best in future endeavors of Fertileheart. This is a promise to my own self. I will keep offering however little support I can to the fertile mamas who are still on the journey to meet their child halfway. Once again thank you !!
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year to YOU and all the fertile mommas !!
Miraculous Life: Thank you and Congratulations to you as well. I have been following your journey and your ‘snowflake’ journeys thread, and I love that you kept this going. I will write my story, although my judging orphan came up, saying that the story is not of the ‘natural conception’ I imagined, and relied on the first set of eggs I had frozen, so it’s less ‘magical’ So, I appreciate you giving me the opportunity to face these orphans.
Heartease: Yes, I was so scared to put that as my ‘intention’ for the year, b/c that had been my intention for 3 years and putting it out there felt like a set-up for failure. But, my courageous UM called me and said to just go for it as in Julia’s work, we are all fertile mamas and the baby was going to come to us somehow. I loved it before I got pregnant and now I adore the earth mama w her belly in the future baby’s room (and the room where I practiced my OVUM work)
Julia: 3 years is right. I love that email I sent…yes, empowerment and so much more you are doing in the world. And, how little I knew then about each step I would take with you and the other fertile mamas.You have totally changed my life. When I met you, the egg that has become this fetus, was already frozen, but I am so thankful my journey wasn’t cut short w desperation or hurry to use that frozen egg then. My pants are getting snug now and Joe give my belly kisses and just has an ear-to-ear smile when he sees how my body is changing. I will definitely send you a picture and of my belly too (when it’s more noticeable to others besides me, Joe and my sister :)
Your story has moved me to tears RaeSF. How wonderful you had the courage to include the photo of the pregnant belly while paying attention to your disappointment orphan, and it’s an inspiration to hear how far you have taken the FH work into your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy; four months.. wow, that must feel good.
Thanks for sharing this joyful miracle, and like ML says, it would be lovely to hear more of your story one day when you are ready to share.
You are most welcome, Rachel! I’m so thrilled to hear that your pregnancy is going well! It’s almost 3 years ago, that you sent these notes:…” “Hi! I stumbled across your web-site and love the empowering messages. I’d like to come to your workshops…”
“I am so excited to have found this web-site and to meet you and participate.”
And you remained “excited” and engaged. Came to the workshop the second time and continued to stay such a vital part of our beautiful European circle. I’m honored to have been part of your journey, sweet Rachel, please keep us posted, I can’t wait to see the picture of that beautiful baby. My love to the awesome Dad and your whole awesome trio!
Dear RaeSF, I just wanted to send you very heartfelt happy energy and congratulations that you are a snowflake and on your pregnancy! I think we have been on the European calls together and I am really happy for you! It is very inspiring to hear your news, especially when I have been struggling a little with hearing my “resistant Orphan” and “disappointment Orphan” who are quite strong at the moment. I think they have just healed a little from your news! Happy festive season to you and yours,
With love and peace,
FearlessRose
I must share my perfect miracle with you. Such a gift, really. Because experiencing and seeing the Orphan right there, in front you– not by remembering a past pain — but feeling her presence in the here and now, is a gift. First it makes you cry and then you look and laugh at the lovely evolving “egg” that you are.
This is my miracle:
We usually get a notice about approving comments and either I, or Ed, or Rachel does the approving. But something broke down in the software on Monday after I posted the blog, and none of us got a notice for approval. So till today I thought, that no one left a comment. Not one person. I was very grown up about it. It’s holiday season, people are busy I calmly told myself. That lasted about 5 minutes.
Because the fact that not a single person left a comment, beautifully triggered my Nobody Hears Me, Nobody Cares CEO (Chief Executive Orphan.) She had a field day. So I hung out with her for a while and the minute after I did my Body Truth (My drugs of choice Elbows First, The Orphans, Unconditional Gratitude) and Field of Creation, I thought maybe I should log in and check to see if anything went wrong.
I found the comments you left and I too had shivers down my back, Tracy, as I received the love and caring in your words.
It’s a very cool thing we’re doing here. Very cool. Thank you so much for playing this game with me. Every one of your comments is a healing miracle to me.
I guess when you open for the cure, even technology collaborates to deliver the remedy you need.
Beautiful! And Hooray for you!
Actually hearing HOW you put Body Truth to work helped me, Julia. So thanks for that! And yes, technology can surprise us at times, can’t it? ;-)
“It’s the practice that demands a deeper conversation” That is so true and it is hard and frustrating and eye opening and wonderful at times. My not so easy miracle is we discussed adoption last night. It was hard to admit out loud how I was feeling. Still is without tears accompanying it. It was a “deeper conversation” that was very difficult. I think I also feel like if I look into adoption I am giving up in a way. I admitted that to myself today.
Then I remembered a fertile heart success story I think it was from peanutgirl. She said she always wondered when listening on the tele conference calls and would hear other ladies discussing donor egg or adoption and she wondered how they got there without feeling like they gave up. Then she herself through her FH practice got to a place where she realized she “didnt care where her 2nd child” came from being conceived or adopted. She got there kind of naturally and peacefully throug her practice.
So even though we are not ready for it….my husband and I discussed adoption last night. That is my difficult but beautiful miracle. I want to be a mom. I want to be a mom very badly. If I continue my practice and realize a natural conception will not be an option for me I choose to continue my practice until as peanut girl described so beautifully: that it didnt matter to me where the baby came from.
I am not ready to give up hope on my body yet but I have opened myself up in a way to more that one choice of being a mother.
I wish all a wonderful holiday season!
Thank you for YOU Julia.
As I look back over this year and at the last 4 four years of my journey towards motherhood I see now that this is where I am meant to be. I meant to be doing this work whether or not a baby of our own is in the cards for us, whether or not we adopt, this is the place I am meant to be at this point in my life. I see now more clearly than ever that this work is what I need to do to birth the new me. This revelation is so new that I type this with goose bumps on my arms and a satisfaction in my heart that says yes I am on the right path- whatever it leads to I am where I should be. That brings a deep solace I haven’t felt in some time.
The question that has haunted me all along this journey (and I am sure many of the other fertile mamas out there) is why me? Why do heroin addicts get pregnant, why do hateful evil people get pregnant, why do all these people that seem to not deserve such a gift, get the gift of life and not me? Me, who has been eating clean and taking supplements and drinking all the smoothies, me who has led a kind and loving life, why have I had three miscarriages? Why, despite three years of trying are my husband and I, good people, still childless? This question has haunted me all along my journey. I have searched for purpose in my pain because I think it might hurt less to know it is bringing me somewhere. I still don’t have the the full answer but I know one thing for sure, this work, this is what I need to do. The pain I have been in and gone through has brought me here to this discovery of me (and you!) and I cannot regret that. So thank you for you. The gift that you are to all of us. The shining light that is full of joy and understanding. Thank you for welcoming us all. Those of us lost and dismayed. Those of us heart broken and tired. You have provided us with a home. A place we belong. A place where we and our journeys are understood and honored. A place to rest, rejuvenate and discover.
This is a hard journey to be on. It is a heart aching journey where you are bombarded with pregnant bellies and strollers full of babies and an empty heart of your own. You have brought meaning to this journey for me and I know countless others and you are showing us how to fill our empty hearts back up. Thank you for your gift Julia. You and your work are the best present I have received in some time.
Happy Holidays to you and to all the fertile mamas out there!
Dear TracyM,
Beautiful post and such lovely visionary rooted steps being taken by you. I just thought of adding my perspective to the question “WHY ME?” This is ofcourse one of the most haunted questions (as long as we allow it to haunt us) for most of us. I had the same exact feeling for almost till like last year this time. Why me? I am doing every darn thing that none of the other friends of mine ever even imagined. – Imagery and body truth became part and parcel of my life, but apart from that I had tons of other things on my routine, and to your point being spiritual, doing pious deeds, I felt when we are trying our best to be good human beings then why is it not happening to us?
Well all this kind of changed in last Dec. I had some major breakthroughs in my practice. Why me was no longer important to me. For the first time I really understood Julia’s introduction on why we are being called for this journey. There are thousands of folks who are struggling with fertility issues, but not all are attracted to this work. This is hard work, real work, where we are listening to our ownselves. As the 3rd angel says in Fertile female book, the last place a human will ever look for answers is into his/her own heart. The toughest part of the practice is realizing that we are mere co-creators, not CREATOR, that is still out of our control and so many other things like how others react, how others support us, what to expect out of IVFs or our natural cycles etc. I had a strong urge to really open up to bowing down to what is at the beginning of the year. I could sense the magic, the strength in bowing and to flow with the current of life, allow myself to feel teh gratitude for what I really have and been blessed with and had built a strong faith that baby will join us but on her/his timetable. Most of us who have opted for FH journey are I guess warriors, who not only support ourselves but also others and especially on this path, supporting others feels so good as we all know none of us could get the right level of support outside of FH community. We hate to hear if someone asks us to relax, enjoy sex, or give us options on how to embrace parenthood. And when its our turn to support, we will never ever say these things to others as we know how it feels. This practice has allowed me to heal some of the things in my family line and in my life itself, that I definitely not want to pass on to the next generation.
Today I thank GOD for picking me for this journey (I really wholeheartedly did this even prior to getting pregnant), for enrolling me in his army, whom to Julia’s point are only brave and courageous women and allowing me to appreciate and be grateful for this life and hopefully turn into a good, responsible parent who can support her kids in the right way.
Miraculous and Tracy I could have written your words. Lately I have been continuing to remind myself that I am not the sole creator of what comes about. sure I can influence what I put in and what comes out, but really there is more at work.
Beautiful you two thanks for making me feel connected to you ladies that is one of my miracles today!
Thank you Tracy for such beautiful words. You helped me feel grateful once again for finding Julia and this circle. I always would categorize my feelings of anger, sadness, or pain as negative and wanted to avoid them at all costs. This journey made it impossible to avoid these feelings that now I can recognize as orphans and not only that, it has helped me to see them in a whole new light, as miracles. As expressions of all my unmet needs that had been ignored for so long, as parts of myself that have been hidden and blocking me from fully living and loving. So this work, what ever happens has already changed my life. So I’ll always be thankful for that, to Julia and to all of you.
Wow Tracy, so inspiring. Thank you for articulating these beautiful thoughts. “This work is what I need to do to birth the new me.” I love it. I realized two days ago that I hadn’t thought once about infertility because I was so intent on focusing on being as visionary as possible that day. It felt both good and a little scary. Thank you again!! I am bowing to you.
I have one already. The last teleconference really helped me to graciously accept the thanks and praise that I am currently receiving in my last days at work in Japan, and not let the shame orphan rob me of any pleasure in that. Just because this phase of my life didn’t go as I hoped it would, I can acknowledge that I did work hard and cared about many of the people who were part of it. I don’t need to sneak away. I can take the thanks and carry them with me to whatever comes next…
That’s really wonderful to hear Ruth. Glad to have witnessed this miracle and the birth of the you who could accept the thanks and praise and walk onto your next steps with them filling your heart, and with a deep knowing of what precious gifts you gave in Japan. Wishing you nourishing time with family and friends these coming weeks.
Hx
Thank you Heartsease. This experience is helping me so much to think about living more fully wherever I am.
My opportunity for having a miracle lens. Can I see this as a guiding miracle?
Two weekends ago I was on a meditation retreat that focused on healing of the inner and outer body. To me this meant my soul and body. It was a very good experience and enhanced my baby journey practice in combination with having just purchased Imagery 2 cd’s and working with Issues in your Tissues, It’s All Good, and The first Nursery. Needless to say, I’ve been in a good place with my practice and also made a choice to embark on learning more about what is happening in my body from the western medicine world. A path I have not traveled on my baby journey yet. I was in a very focused space.
Two days after my retreat I drove to the bus station to pick up two Wwoofer (willing workers on organic farms) volunteers to help us on our farm for the next month or so. They are from Russia. It was night and I was glad their trip went smooth. On our drive back to the farm I learn that the young woman of the couple is 8 months pregnant (she was wearing a big coat and it was dark, I didn’t notice). Yup! I thought at first this was a language error, but then learned her due date is mid- January. For this past week I have been enjoying her company in the garden, in the kitchen
and processing our businesses herbal products. She is a pleasure to be around. Her partner is too. She plans to have her baby in NYC and has a doctor and hospital all set up. Every now and then I catch glimpses of her walking through my family room or eating area with her adorable belly and I get a pang of ouch in my heart, followed by feeling very overwhelmed with my baby journey. It has been very emotionally challenging when I’m alone, or receiving her and the baby through my head (thinking) and not my heart.
My act of grace is to be in my heart with her and her partner and my partner and recognize that this life journey is very strange. And to continue to be welcoming and generous.
I long to see how this is not a distraction from my baby journey but somehow a gift to help me keep moving forward. I do not know why this couple didn’t tell us they were 8 months pregnant. They want to have their baby in the USA and perhaps were afraid or really thought it was no problem. They plan to stay with a friend from Russia who lives in NYC after the baby is born. They are very capable people and I will continue to welcome them here…and keep breathing deep.
Dear Julia and Lovely Fertile Mamas
I just loved this blog post. I have read it a few times and I still want to read it more. Thank you for being a modern grounded spiritual guide. For that I am truly grateful.
I walked through the doors of the Fertileheart schoolhouse 18 months ago. When I look at my sweet blue eyed baby, she represents hope, courage and determination to me. She also represents the start of the birthing of an altogether different me. I hear all the gorgeous mamas on their journey now and I think you are at least in touch with your deepest desires. That counts for such a lot. I have heard so many women in the same position say they would love another child but when I touch upon the changes I made, they do not seem interested in rising to that challenge. They have already given up hope. They think I got lucky. I know that luck was only a part of it.
Dusting off the cobwebs in the darkest corners of our hearts is painful, disorientating but honest. The courage and honesty that I read in the comments here in the blog inspires me to roll my sleeves up and prepare for the next miracle. I may or may not ‘ get lucky’ but I will not let life pass me by as I navel gaze and wonder what could have been. With my new fresh challenge it is a struggle to birth the generous brave version of myself on a daily basis. I have to battle with myself not to feel envious of others who have a child without issues. I look at my sisters and wonder why me? However, I know that this way of thinking impacts on my behaviour and then I feel low if I struggle to be generous. The miracle I’m hoping for this Christmas is to be grateful for what I have and to not compare my life to others. Seems basic but I know it helps so much to think this way. Whilst this miracle unfolds I’m still counting those snowflakes everyday and making sure nothing is left to chance.
Wishing Julia and all you gorgeous mamas a brave and honest Christmas.
From a cold and wet Belfast. Xxxxx
Moving Forward – Thank you for your words. I also am making a miracle in appreciating all the wonder and beauty in my life and not comparing myself to others. Wow is it hard. But I absolutely believe that that is what I need to do to continue moving forward.
Ah, Julia! My favorite challenge of the year. Thank you for doing this again! I need nudges like this to look at the world from somewhere other than the other side of a dirty window in the orphanage. I accept the challenge. :-) So far, I already see one miracle. You know how I’m always so very angry when I see the world behaving unjustly, especially regarding babies. I have temper tantrums when I watch women who are on birth control, drugs, in poor marriages, snarfing down McDonalds and packing on 190 extra pounds get pregnant. It seems so unfair. So in light of this miracle challenge, I’m going to view those women as PROOF that I can get pregnant again. After all, if an alcoholic in her mid-40s with an illegal drug problem or a woman with her tubes tied can get pregnant, surely there is hope for ME. They are proof that miracles happen, conceptions happen, life happens. Looking at it this way, instead of through my orphan glasses, is quite miraculous. I’m still angry, but not nearly as much. I think I’m on to something here. Hugs to you, my awesome guide and friend on this journey!
Wow I think you really are onto something there. That just helped me, so I’m going to use that lens from now on! Thank you.