A few months after my thirty-first birthday, I got very sick. My lymph nodes were swollen and I had constant sore throats. My body was covered with scars; my arms, legs, stomach, my chest and my entire back was filled with them. I went to four different dermatologists and none of them could tell me what exactly was wrong with me. They took biopsies, they said it was hormonal, and they tested my follicle stimulating hormone level, which at that point came back normal.

Very slowly I began to get better, but my body changed. My periods were much lighter, I started having hot flashes and I stopped having cramps with my periods. I got very nervous and I scheduled a consultation with Dr C. a reproductive endocrinologist at one of the New York clinics. She felt it was all in my head; she tested my FSH which at the time was 12.5.(At the lab of this clinic anything over ten was problematic) I asked her if the change in my cycles signaled fertility problems. She said I just needed to calm down, and that I had nothing to worry about. This was in October. A few months later we started trying and when nothing happened for a few months I decided to see a new doctor. Luckily I brought my records along and Dr. K looked at them and said: This is a little high, I need to test you. It turned out by then my FSH went up to 23.12. I remember sitting in Dr. K’s office, thinking, now I’ll never get pregnant without drugs. I said to him:

"If I get pregnant with twins, will that be okay since I’m so petite? Will I be able to carry them?"

He said, "I wouldn’t be thinking of twins if I were you. We don’t even know if you could ever get pregnant."

That’s when I started to panic. And of course I left that place as fast as I could.

It took three months to see Dr. M at another clinic. He suggested we start with Clomid and after two cycles, I moved on to injectables. In June I had done my fifth cycle of the drugs and I was out of my mind; crying all the time. I used to just start crying in the middle of the afternoon at work. I would say "Don’t mind me, I’m not really upset right now, it’s just this hormonal thing. So Dr. M said to me: " You are clinically depressed, Let’s put you on Prozac, and let’s do IVF next month."

I said, "I think I need a break.

"Taking a break would just make you more depressed," he said.

But I felt if I didn’t take a break I was going to have a nervous breakdown.

Around that time my friend Lisa went to Julia’s workshop and she was very excited about her approach. I don’t think she had a major problem and she actually got pregnant very quickly. She said I had to read Inconceivable. I remember exactly where I was when I read it; it turned my head around. Suddenly I realized there could be another way out there. I was also a little intimidated and overwhelmed; wasn’t sure I could do what Julia did, but there was a spark of hope.

My hot flashes were getting worse. As soon as I got off the drugs, they became quite unbearable. And my FSH was still elevated. I was going to try IVF with yet another doctor, Dr. L but he didn’t think it made sense to do it with the numbers I was getting. He was much less arrogant than any of the others. Basically he said that they didn’t really know what the problem was and why I was having all those menopausal symptoms and he was very supportive of exploring any and all alternatives.

Lisa called one day and said Julia was having a workshop the following week. Something very deep and at the same time, very quiet, happened in that workshop for me. I realized that I could do this in my own way - that was something I held onto – the idea that each person was different and each person needed to find their own way into the work. And at the same time I came away with a lot of specific information on treatments, and food, and tools you could use to help you find out what worked best for you. The next day I started cleaning up my diet, I took a yoga class, I bought a bunch of books and started reading about herbs.

Soon after, I called Julia for a consultation, because my hot flashes were very upsetting for me. Also the night sweats were escalating. It really felt like I was going through menopause. We covered a lot in that meeting, We looked at the possible connection between the menopausal symptoms and my depressed immune system; we looked at some unresolved issues about my history, and my feelings about motherhood. Julia suggested that there was a connection between those feelings and my current difficulties. And I think I had known that for a while, but just needed someone to verbalize it for me. So after the consultation I did a lot of thinking, a lot of healing in that area. Also the whole process intensified; I started yoga classes, I completely changed my diet, which is something I never thought I could do. In the olden days, we used to have dinner parties, we used to eat out a lot -- I am a gourmet chef and I used to make these elaborate meals with lots of starch, butter, sugar. We would have big desserts and wine every night. The idea of changing that seemed overwhelming. But after the workshop and the consultation there was just no stopping me. What happened was that I felt so great after just ten days of getting rid of all the junk – I had so much more energy; that I kept looking for more things to do. I felt so good that sometimes there were days when I forgot to think about the baby. Now that was huge.

At this point I was still seeing Dr. L we were doing intra-uterine inseminations, and as before I was taking progesterone after ovulation.

I joined Julia’s support group and also worked with her privately. I learned to take clues from my dreams and use imagery and work with my body in a completely new way; to listen to what was going on inside me. It was an adventure. Lot’s of coincidences started happening in my life. It felt like this space opened up inside me; I just knew that I was on the right track. I remember the last support group I went to; Julia talked about prayer; about praying in a more demanding way, to say exactly what we are feeling even if it’s "Look, God, this is just not acceptable!" Our priest is this really funky great guy and I told him what she said and he went: Yes!!! He was all for it. I only prayed that way once, I said: "Look, God, no one is Catholic anymore, but I found a spiritual way to be Catholic, and that is how I will raise my child. "

In that group we also talked about throwing away our ovulation kits for one cycle and see what it feels like. To just really take our cues from our bodies. And that’s what I did. I was so focused on that kit. Throwing it out made me nervous. It was also the first month in a very long time that we didn’t do intrauterine inseminations. We just had sex. I remember going to see Dr. L two days later and he said "I don’t know if you ovulated you definitely didn’t have enough sex this month. I want you to stop taking progesterone and see what your levels are without the drugs". But I didn’t feel good about doing it. I just didn’t see how he could possibly know whether we did or did not have enough sex. So not only did I stay on the progesterone I also used the progestin on my belly.

It was Palm Sunday, the holiest time for Catholics. I went to Church a lot that week and felt very moved, very connected spiritually. On Monday I found out one of my best friends was pregnant and I got pretty down about that..

Then the following week I was flossing my teeth one morning and my gums were gushing blood, which I knew is a sign of pregnancy. I went into the bedroom and said to Charles : You know this progesterone, it tricks you. It makes you think you’re pregnant when you’re not." But I did a home pregnancy test and the line was so light, I didn't even tell Charles, I just ignored it. Then I decided to call the company.

I said : Hello, I’m on progesterone, does it give you a false positive on a pregnancy test? They said. "No."

"I have this light line…"

"Go to your doctor."

And I just didn’t believe it the whole day. I called Charles that night and asked him to stop and pick up a pregnancy test on his way home. He said to me:

"You mean an ovulation kit?"

"No, a pregnancy test."

So he picked one up, came home at nine thirty and I waited till the morning to repeat the test. Again it came out very light and he wasn’t excited either, both of us were in such shock, we just couldn’t quite get it. I called my doctor’s office and got a lab test. The nurse left a message for me the next day and all she said was : You HCG is 1200 but your progesterone is13. I called her back and I said, "You mean I’m pregnant?" I was screaming and sobbing and laughing, she must’ve thought I lost it. She had progesterone delivered to my work and told me to take it immediately. I did oral progesterone and suppositories. It took about two weeks for the numbers to normalize. They wanted for me to really take it easy, to stay still as much as possible.

Charles and I figured out we had gone to eleven different reproductive endocrinologists in the last five years. With my numbers I allegedly had a zero to five percent chance of getting pregnant.

The baby is coming in about a week. Everything in my life changed because of all I’ve gone through. Everything. I am much more tuned into my body, much nicer to myself. There is a sense of awe I feel about this new life inside me. I know I’ll be a very different mother because of how I got to be one.