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And You Must Love: When Life Summons Our Fertile Hearts

By on February 10, 2015

The dark side of the light chase

This may not be the most popular kind of love to talk about around Valentine’s Day or any other day.  But maybe it’s not such a bad idea to start popularizing it.

We are a culture of positive thinkers, divine-love-and-light-pursuing self-improvement junkies. And there is an aspect of that pursuit, that’s killing us.

In the summer of 2012, a dear friend of mine and beloved member of our community here in Woodstock, took his own life. Since his death I’ve become painfully aware about the widespread disease that drives so many women, men, and young adults toward desperate acts.

A few days after my friend’s death came the horrific news of the Colorado shooting.

“Lighten up. Get over it. Look at the bright side!” Isn’t that what we tell ourselves and each other?

What’s crowding behind the door?

I am all for looking at the bright side. But if we close the door to the dark side, all that begins to crowd behind that door might one day blow it into smithereens.

Suicides of loved ones in our families and communities, and events such as the Colorado tragedy seep through the layer of skin into our bodies and hearts, begging us to sit up and pay attention. How then do we respond?

What do we do?

What do we do when a member of our consciousness-claiming species sends a shower of bullets into a crowded movie theater? Or into a kindergarten classroom?

Do we turn the channel? Go to the nearest synegogue or church and say a prayer? Make a contributuion to our favorite peace charity?

What do these events ask of us?

How do I go on teaching workshops about bringing more babies into the world? How do I remain standing against the incoming waves of powerlessness?

We do what we can

I do what I can.

I reach out to you, even if often, part of me doesn’t believe it will make any difference. I do it anyway. I share a poem I’ve written some time ago, about what for me, is the toughest, yet most essential first step toward stopping the hand poised to harm. I’d love you to take a look, offer your thoughts. You can click here to watch the video. There is a place for comments underneath the video if you’re
moved to do so.

We now also have a FertileHertedHuman FB page so come and visit)  which I am re-dedicating to a continued dialogue about the many ways we can apply the Fertile Heart Ovum practice to engaging with our inner and outer conflicts.

Let’s explore together how we can celebrate life without disowning the parts of ourselves that appear frightening. Feeling powerless is okay, if we can just remember that feelings are not reality.

What about you? How do you respond to disturbing events in your community and in the world? Have you ever had a close relationship with someone who took her their own life?

Sending love to each of you,

Julia
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19 Responses to “And You Must Love: When Life Summons Our Fertile Hearts”

  1. Sinead says:

    So today is one of my bad days. I woke up this morning with what felt like a shard of bitterness piercing my heart, bitterness about all the people around me who seem to get pregnant without even trying…. Anger about my cousin’s wife who got pregnant 2 weeks after coming off the pill. It felt like the feelings of hot anger and twisted bitterness were pinning me to the bed suffocating me. My husband went to work with shoulders bowed by stress and worry. He can’t bear to see me sad. He just wants to fix it. Today is one of the days that I want to wind back the clock to a time when I wasn’t feeling totally overwhelmed and strangled by my desire for a child. I long to be the carefree girl on the beach with the wind in her hair and a smile on her lips. Today I want to rebel, rebel against the straight jacket of supplements and dietary restrictions. My rebel orphan wants to scream at the sky and rail against everyone and everything that makes her feel so hemmed in and restricted. The positive thinking and mantras of my visionary work just feels like a bunch of lies I am telling myself that have no basis in reality. Today is a day I want to curl up in a ball and hibernate. I want the world to go away and leave me be…

    • Sinead…I hear that you are hurting and I send much love to you.

      I hope that you give yourself the space you need to curl up and hibernate, and then.,.I’d be happy to engage with any and all of these beautiful “bitter, raging,” Orphans on our next call. As painful as this journey might feel right now, those angry, bitter Orphans coming out of hiding can be your greatest healers.

      As for positive thinking, this work is definitely not about that. Nor is this practice about “dietary restrictions.” So, I do hope that I’ll have a chance to clear some of this up and support you in moving toward real healing, whatever that might mean for you. In the meanwhile, if you have The Fertile Female, perhaps re-reading the 76 Orphans & Celestial Gravity chapters might be helpful. “Ally in the Cupboard” might not be bad either to help clarify the food work.

      I’m so glad that you shared all this, Sinead, it gives me a clearer sense of the kind of support you might need. I look forward to connecting on Monday.

  2. Bailey930 says:

    It’s socially unacceptable to acknowledge the hater (forget about loving her) and to talk about things that make people uncomfortable. Especially when it comes to the M word. Miscarriage. Nobody wants to talk about or hear about the deep grieving, the feeling of wanting to curl up in a tight ball and withdraw from the world, the feeling of wanting to climb up in the roof and well, you know. I’ve felt this way after each of my miscarriages and what intensifies the feeling is the isolation and polarization. The feeling that I’m not like everyone else who can just get pregnant normally. That brings on self hate and self pity. I’ve stuffed it all down and held it all in and forced myself to get over it as quickly as humanly possible. Because anything else is uncomfortable for the rest of the world.

    Reading this blog makes me wonder what it would look like if I let that sad, grieving orphaned part of me all hang out. That part that makes me and everyone around me uncomfortable. To let her have a voice as loud as she needs and for as long as she needs. Because she’s been stuffing it down for a long time. Thank you Julia for providing this space to make this connection and to realize there is work for me to be done in this deep dark corner of myself. Thinking I may go back to ladder of light to start.

    • MiracleHope says:

      Bailey – Your post hit the spot for me. You have written it so beautifully.
      I exactly felt the same way numerous times (and still do) and in my case “not conceiving for once” while the whole world keeps conceiving and delivering children without a second thought. Well for that matter it really doesn’t matter to this sweet orphan, as long as it feels something is good enough to distinguish ourselves from rest of the world. This is the exact same “Identity” orphan that kept coming to me via my V, that asked me “why do you think you are different? What makes you feel you are not normal? Do you believe and accept these beliefs yourself?” I guess that matters the most. If we are grounded in our own truth that its okay to be what we are as of today, its okay that our baby is still traveling and yet to reach us and be grateful for what we have in our lives, what the world thinks about us doesn’t matter much. In fact I somehow feel free to tell my fertility journey from a V place now a days and I can see I am no longer ashamed of what I went through.
      I have to share this with you all – For the first time in last 7yrs, I went to a baby event (1month old baby) on this valentine’s day , dressed up all nice in Indian clothing and my husband kept observing me (my mood) through out the event and commented after we came back saying, “I could see you so much energized, your old self back, not feeling embarrassed or out of place, you were just yourself and I loved seeing you this way and felt so relieved, its been ages I saw you like this”. I could feel the difference too. Anyway, aunt flow arrived the very next day, taking a bit of my energy with her….like a reality check…..lol

      • Bailey930 says:

        MH. Your post made me tear up. I am so happy you have found (a new and improved version of) your old self. I have flashes of her, but I can’t seem to hold onto her for very long. I miss her and I have a feeling others do too, because she was pretty damn cool. Thank you for “getting it” and connecting at a very vulnerable moment for me. It means a lot.

      • Lori says:

        MH… so wonderful that your energy is back and your husband was able to witness this. It’s taken a lot of work to be able to be at an event like that and feel yourself and not part of the outside world. I should channel your energy as my friend’s baby is due any day and I will be sure to visit the new little one.

  3. Ruth Hegarty says:

    I just did my evening practice, and was drawn to ‘The Orphans’. I couldn’t understand why, today had been a peaceful day, a ‘good’ day. But I always let my instinct, my body, choose the BT exercise each day.

    Just as I began I had an image of the guilty/ angry/ hating orphan (the one that tells me I am responsible for the pain of the people I love most) quickly trying to dart out of sight deep within me.

    We do not normally acknowledge each other’s presence in gentle calmness. And I was reminded of your question to me on the teleconference Julia ‘Who is driving?’ It was good to spend time with this orphan with the visionary/ultimate mum-Ruth taking the wheel.

    This hating part of us has so many tricks to stop us reaching for it in gentle calmness. Last week, when I was wrapped in grief, it sent me images and dreams (reminiscent of the worst moments of my life), to frighten me away. Then on comfortable easy days, when I am not hurting, it’s so easy to pretend this part of me isn’t there, why risk waking a sleeping dragon?

    But tonight I have realized they are only images that this orphan can defend itself with, and I can reach for this abandoned part of me at any time, with gentle kindness.

    I have watched this video many times, but tonight was the first time I noticed that in the background the word ‘loss’ is turned around into ‘life’. My visionary rooted action today was to order ‘letters to a young poet’ by Rilke as I was very moved by the idea of living the questions to live your way into the answers’.

    Xxx

    • Liz1 says:

      Thank you Ruth! I too really liked that idea and quote from Rilke poem on the call, now I know where to find it I’ve ordered a copy too xx

  4. findingfaith21 says:

    Amazing poem, Julia! It is so true what you said–we live in a culture that demands we be happy all of the time, stuff down our feelings of sadness/grief/depression/angst/anger/etc. I am not a naturally optimistic person, and I’ve lived most of my adult life being ashamed of that, beating myself up for not being more positive. I’ve blamed so much of my pregnancy struggles on my “negative attitude,” and then hated that large part of myself. It’s a horrid feeling to think that the bulk of what makes you you is wrong and unacceptable. It wasn’t until I started walking this OVUM path did I ever truly understand that positive and negative are just words, not character traits. That was a total life-changing realization. I began to see these dark emotions in me as cries of the orphan who needed to say something. Ever since then, it’s been a lot easier to embrace all of my emotions a lot of the time. Embrace, not judge. It’s always such a struggle, though. But at least the lights are turned on now so I can see where I’m going. Loved what you said to MH–despite the weather, we keep driving. Amen to that! I pray each day I can keep up the strength and stamina to keep this car on the road.

  5. Heather says:

    these are the words that resonated with me after watching this poem..You must love the hater in you… she was conceived in grief. I was in the shower this morning thinking about the Heather 5 years ago, who had not even begun to imagine the fertility journey that lay ahead. I thought about how light and fun and unaware I used to be before I started down this path.

    I think my conception of grief started the moment an OB-GYN doctor ( a former friend of the family) told me I would never have a biological child. It was like someone pulled the pin off a grenade and then simply walked away without acknowledging the devastation left behind.

    Sometimes I am so cruel to myself and say such hateful things and I think I would never let anyone speak this way to my child. As MH said, I need to make timer and space to be open to my orphans, no matter how often they show up.

    • Wow, Heather, what an image, “I think my conception of grief started the moment an OB-GYN doctor ( a former friend of the family) told me I would never have a biological child. It was like someone pulled the pin off a grenade and then simply walked away without acknowledging the devastation left behind.”

      No wonder, the UM has been trying to recruit you into her army of Truth Seekers. I know, the training is tough, but who should she pick if not you?

  6. MiracleHope says:

    This post is so timely, as if Julia read my mind and posted it :)
    I have been hating the orphan that is freaking out, who constantly struggles every damn month to accept the truth that our effort didn’t fructify into pregnancy. I just see her screaming, sobbing, feeling jealous (intensifies esp if I have to attend a baby event)that everyone in the world has a baby except me :( and a wave of despair and fear creeps in….will i ever see my baby? I ask myself should I pretend and move on with all these feelings that show up exactly at the Time of Month and I will be fine after a week of my period? How many times do I have to allow this orphan to speak up. Why can’t it understand what the V and UM has to say. Even if it understands at one point, how can it just flip and behave as if its all happening for the first time? I hate to see her falling down into orphan reality when I put all the effort to be compassionate and strengthen my V and it works for some days and then lo and behold, I wake up one day and find myself in an orphan land or to be precise an island. Its a constant struggle, the feeling of “powerlessness”.
    is my practice, my actions, thoughts making any difference? If yes, then why do I see myself in an orphan reality every now and then (may be frequency reduced now compared to past).
    To me, I guess the toughest yet most essential first step is making time and space to hear the orphan, no matter how many ever times the orphan shows up. I just feel tired making myself better and yet no receiving my baby at the end of the day. Though I saw this challenge as an opportunity on many occasions, there are days when I just collapse and it feels like having a baby or dreaming of a baby is an insurmountable task
    I also feel bad that I am not able to support my body and all these thoughts or feelings might impact all the good work she has been doing and might derail her efforts taking me away from my baby :(

    • Joanne says:

      MiracleHope,
      I feel your pain, your anguish, and your frustration. I know how hard it is to believe that your ovum practice is actually working. I understand how AYFKM HARD it is to stay with the pain, to feel the pain fully, and move through the pain to the other side.
      You are not alone. MiracleHope, Heather, Katy, Lori, Julia, you are not alone. I am not alone. You and I are “in the perfect place, at the perfect time.” We might not understand it. We might not believe it. But we don’t have to understand it for it to be true. And we don’t have to believe for it to heal us.
      This insurmountable task of getting your baby is going to be that much more miraculous when you do eventually meet her (or him, or them!)
      Joanne
      P.S. Love your handle!

      • MiracleHope says:

        Thank you so much for your loving words Joanne!
        As Julia mentioned, its like going through seasons within the monthly cycle….once feeling very high, the very next day down. But its so nice to hear the comforting words and mainly the support from the fellow fertile sisters :)
        Well ovum work clearly is working and I see the difference in all areas of my life……..just impatient to see it work in baby case too ….lol

    • Are we there yet, Mommy? asks the child squirming in the backseat. As long as we know where the questions are coming from we can keep our eyes on the road and keep driving. Sometimes it’s a sunny day, sometimes pouring rain, the weather changes, the driver keeps the car in good condition and journeys on.
      Happy Valentine’s Day!

      • MiracleHope says:

        Exactly Julia, that’s exactly how I feel? Am I there yet? How much more do I have to drive to reach my baby? And you are spot on about weather, so true, some days I feel so energetic, some days I am so drained. Thank you Julia, I will keep driving no matter what the weather is, yes will slow down if it rains or snows :) as I don’t want to stress myself. This feeling just comforts me.

  7. Lori says:

    So sorrowful that so many carry this pain and this self hatred. We are so afraid to love ourselves unconditionally, yet we can forgive the hater in others. I attended a workshop last night on the pleasure and pain of love. So much of what we represent as pain/grief is carried on from generations before us. I am hoping to explore this more while I continue my journey to heal my family line.

  8. Katy says:

    I really love this poem Julia. I need to hear and be reminded that I need to love the hater in me. I heard in poem what past hurt may have caused the hater to hate. In that statement alone I remember to bring compassion to the orphan in me and let her speak. I at times am afraid to hear the orphan..what she will say and what she wants to happen. However allowing her to speak rather than shushing her really does bring healing to my heart.



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