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Staying the Course: The True Road of Today

By on April 10, 2016

Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles

Whenever I share a journey of one of the Fertile Heart Moms and Dads who birthed her baby through adoption, I think of the lines from Fiddler on the Roof,

“…of all God’s miracles large and small,Fertile Heart Adoption Stories

the most miraculous one of all,

is the one I thought would never be,

God has given you to me.”

Staying the course

May Sharmini’s beautiful note about her adoption journey be an inspiration for staying the course, whichever path toward your child is the true path you choose to be walking today. .

A roller coaster ride

Hi, Julia,

The last couple of months have been such a roller coaster ride. I almost picked up the phone to call you so many times and then I turned to my Fertile Heart work. I have no doubt that this announcement would not have happened without you and without Fertile Heart.

Recognizing the Orphan when she showed up so frequently over the last couple of months was a tremendous help to me. I was able to give her the space she needed to be heard and whenever I did that, my Visionary showed up and I found my strength and I  knew in my heart this was part of the journey.

They look at me like I’m crazy

One of the greatest lessons I learned from the Fertile Heart work was that “Life is always right”. I am exactly where I need to be. So many of my friends who have had to go through this road tell me, how can you not be resentful, you got dealt a crappy hand, you are “infertile” that’s a tragedy they say. You’ve been trying to have a baby for nine years, that’s horrendous, I am told.

They look at me like I am crazy when I say it’s a gift. I have received so many gifts along the way and I think of the woman and mother I am today vs. the one I would have been nine years ago and I know that I was meant to walk this road.

Our adoption journey was not for the faint of heart.

Christopher’s birth mother changed her mind twice and the second time it was after he was with us for almost 3 weeks! She said it was too hard and she could not live without him and wanted him back. So we had to give up the little guy (due to terrible adoption laws in PA). I don’t need to tell you how devastated we were. Then she changed her mind again 3 weeks later stating that when she is with Christopher she had this really strong feeling that he was meant to be with us! That Tom and I were meant to be his parents.

The night my son was born

Talk about fate, R. hand- picked us; she did not see any adoptive parents she wanted to place her baby with in PA so she went to the agency website and picked us out, just us, out of hundreds, perhaps thousands of couples, (agency has 34 offices), maybe that was a sign??!!! I think about all those women who are so desperate for a biological child and I say well the night my son was born I woke up with the most intense cramps I have ever had. Then we got a notice from the agency that he was born that night!

After I met Christopher’s birth mother R., I felt this incredible connection to the baby, I would do imagery with an umbilical cord linking my belly to his. The cord was gold in color and so strong. I loved him from the moment I laid eyes on him. Our connection was so strong that his birth mom felt it and drove him back to NY from Pittsburgh and gave him back to us.Fertile Heart Adoption Stories

He was due January 15th exactly one month before my birthday and was born two weeks late. R. signed him over to us the second time on April 15th and he was officially ours on May 15th. I think maybe the 15th is a big day for me!!!

The gifts keep coming

The gifts keep coming Julia, my very young son has taught me to live for each day for each moment and to treasure and enjoy it!

It is such a challenge for me always having doubts about things I could have said and done differently in the past and he forced me to focus on now! I have received so many gifts along the way and here I stand (not without some self inflicted bruises) with the ultimate prize.

As I write this note to you I am reminded of one of my favorite poems by Robert Frost, The Road not Taken:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-  I took the one less traveled by,  And that has made all the difference.

Tom and I would love for you to meet him in person. We will make a trip to Woodstock in early fall if that works for you to see you.

Love you,

Sharmini

25 Responses to “Staying the Course: The True Road of Today”

  1. mlee says:

    I think Sharmini’s story proves that as every child is unique, so is every mother’s journey to motherhood.

    Over these last two weeks, I’ve been able to articulate that all we can do, all I can do, is be me. Be on my own unique journey and work on that. It doesn’t matter what others are doing, or what they have, all I can do is be present for the moment of my own, and my child’s special pathway to our family.

    I was getting frustrated with my husband’s grumpiness and negativity and what I perceived as a barrier to our success in growing our family. He has really taken the time to nurture himself this week and shown me through his actions that he is committed. This has strengthened my commitment to the process.

    My Visionary has told me over and over again since our last call that more children are coming. The fact that they have not come within my original “ideal” timetable is irrelevant. More children are coming and I’m choosing to have the courage to take the risk to trust my Visionary. These last weeks I’m not staying the course, I’m changing the course.

    • HarmoniousLife says:

      How beautiful, Mlee! It takes a lot of courage to change the course, congratulations on your new beginnings.

      I found Julia’s words very comforting when she said on the last call – ‘Making a mistake is not in the realm of possibility as a visionary. You simply decide the next action from a new place where you are at that moment’. This infused me with courage when I heard those words at the time. I had not thought of the words since. But your comment reminded me of it. So thank you Mlee!

    • butterflyfaith says:

      Oooh! I like that. “Changing the course.” I always beat myself up when I don’t do things “perfectly,” but maybe I’m just trying to make the course fit me and what I need in order to meet my baby halfway. Just like you said–everyone’s journey to motherhood is different.

  2. peacefulwarrior says:

    It feels good to find a few minutes to think and reflect on how I’m staying the course. On my fertility journey I’ve been focusing on doing the imagery and BT exercises daily. But being kind to myself if I don’t get to do them in the morning. I’m noticing that I enjoy spending that few minutes in the morning doing my imagery and BT – great way to start the day calmly and centered. I also started exercising again which has had a positive effect on my mood and energy. I’m been battling a few health issues and I’m really trying to take baby steps to get back on track with taking care of myself. I used to enjoy running and now I’m making time for my daughter and I to run together. I used to worry that running would have a negative impact on my fertility but I’m taking it slow and focusing on the fun part of spending time with my daughter and enjoying the outdoors. It’s also a great way for me to destress. I missed running for so long and easing back into it is healing to me. I am not focusing on the distance this time around as much as I did years ago and instead enjoying the feeling of being able to run no matter far or how long I run.

  3. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    Yay for your normal cycle, butterflyfaith and yay for cheering your egg, Harmonious Life. knk21 it is wonderful that writing is bring you snowflakes, and Openhearted I’m glad that orphans being connected to your longing is a vision for you. Annabell, really good work with the jealous orphan and Sulli612 great for caring for your fear orphan and Sofi, thank you so much for your kind words.

    I have been continuing my orphan and children work, envisioning them all on a bench and I really really like that. Pretty much my fear orphan is the orphan of the moment – sometimes after we talk, I offer her some food items – like one of the times really juicy sweet peaches. I really like talking to this orphan as if she were my child – how to comfort her instead of telling her to leave me alone. I’ve been doing Out of the Trap body truth. I guess life is full of scariness, but also full of joy, so I guess if we can’t risk being scared or sad or angry sometimes, we may not experience as much of the joy either.

    Blessings to all.

  4. Openhearted says:

    Two roads diverged in a wood, and I- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference!
    For me this poem says it all! In the midst of my thinking lately. I am so grateful for this practice and the steps I have choose to take. Yes the orphans still need wrestling but gosh I really feel like the OH from 4 years ago would never be where I am today. She would likely be so stuck in fear and scared that really living life would never happen!

    So the last few weeks I have been working with the trust orphan and visionary. Trusting to the best I can what choices I make and the outcome, fully realizing that all things are occurring for my greatest good. Growth has happened in the rawest of places for me and for that I know I can trust and live in the moments of each day no matter how fierce those orphans maybe!

    Awesome blog! Thanks

  5. butterflyfaith says:

    Today I am continuing to write through some of my confusion, angst and overall feeling of “eh, whatever.” I’m trying to understand my rebel orphan more, as well as accept that it is possible for me to have that last child. It feels SO impossible, but I’m trying to choose possibility. I’m wrapping up my cycle now, so I’m working on seeing that as a good thing. A healthy, 27-day, normal cycle, instead of another failed month and proof it will never happen. I’m choosing to walk the path of looking at what’s right instead of searching for what’s wrong. But holy crap that’s hard! Sometimes it feels much better to look at the bad and embrace it on your terms, because then you “know” you are prepared and protected and nothing can hurt you. But you’re hugging sh**. Brain knows this, heart needs some convincing. Love to you all this day, Mamas.

  6. Harmonious Life says:

    Dear Julia and fertile heart friends.
    I am loving to read all the comments on the blog and the forum. Thank you for helping me stay the course.

    Today I feel grateful for the practice and am proud of myself to have earned the privilege of writing a comment after my morning practice. I have not been doing practice in the mornings and sometimes skipping the night practice too. But I have tasted the pleasure and calmness I feel on the days I do morning practice even if it means sacrificing a bit of my sleep on some days, it is totally worth it. And I like that I reward myself the privilege of posting a comment only on the days I practice. It doesn’t always work, but it worked today. The inertia for the practice is pretty similar to the inertia for not doing Yoga at home or in a class or not joining a gym or not exercising or not cooking at home. I know something about overcoming some of those so I hope to apply that to FH practice.

    Today I did two imagery exercises ‘Sacred Choices’ and ‘White Flower’ and ‘Unconditional Gratitude’ body truth. Yesterday morning was my first ever egg retrieval procedure. Am I glad I chose New Hope to be my fertility care clinic. (i love the word care that I added myself). I did not need general anesthesia. I was able to work the full day after the procedure. I opted to work from home due to the cramping and feeling low energy. But the procedure lasted only a few minutes and they managed to find that one beautiful egg just in time! I had so many orphans coming up to that point. But I saw the egg on the screen and I cheered her on. I am glad for standing up for myself and for all the times that I do, I know it is because of this practice that I have begun to find my voice.

    A visionary step I took today is to buy the Kindle edition of the ‘Inconceivable’! I read the Fertile Female on my Kindle and continue to refer to it from time to time, but I never owned the Inconceivable on the Kindle (i have the book copy). I am delighted at the idea of being able to refer to it effortlessly during my commute. I recently bought a copy of Inconceivable for my friend who was happy to receive it from me along with the Body Truth audio cd’s. That act of giving probably inspired me to give this to myself.

    I also bought ‘Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban’. I have consciously begun to watch where I spend after we signed the consent forms for IVF. But I know I needed to make these two purchases. HP book 3 wasn’t available from my e-library, but I am going to save on the rest of the series just like I saved on the first two books. So it is still a bargain.

    I want to remind myself to keep breathing the particles of gratitude throughout the day.

    Love.

    • Harmonious Life says:

      i also want to add one more thing that came up for me since I started doing the ‘Sacred Choices’. When I was posting a comment on the blog and writing in my journal the first few times I mis-spelled the word ‘sacred’ as ‘scared’ and I thought is this trying to tell me something? Fast forward 7 days since I begun ‘sacred choices’, i have not mis-spelled the word. I know this is part of the healing I continue to receive unconsciously.

      Thank you Julia and FH friends!

  7. knk21 says:

    The course I’m trying to stay on right now is the one where I put Visionary actions behind my intentions and I don’t succumb to my orphan reality. It is getting harder to do so, as the months race forward to more milestones (my birthday, how long since my m/c). The loudest orphans get in my face and say “this ship has sailed. Look at the time. Get a grip. You are done.” It’s hard to tell their reality from real reality. It’s also tough to be on this course because I feel alone. It’s so easy for people to say “you already have kids. Be happy with that.” It’s tiresome to explain to them (so I’ve stopped) that it’s not that I’m not happy with what I have. I just have a longing that won’t let me be. It’s tough to make others understand when I don’t understand myself. I don’t know where this longing comes from, but it’s here.

    I’ve started writing again, and the amount of snowflakes seen in the past couple of weeks has been awe-inspiring. I’m hoping this confirms I’m on the right course.

    • Openhearted says:

      Hey Knk21, I was contemplating the longing this morning! I was thinking today that maybe the longing for me is connected with those orphans. I see them, i hear them and they flow out when I am doing the practice or on that amazing out breath! They are almost like waves in the ocean they may go back in but the visionary is along side them. The waves keep coming as long as I don’t put up a wall. Not really an answer hear just vision for me!

      Sending love your way!

      • butterflyfaith says:

        Thanks OH. (The above comment used my old login. Oops). I actually am afraid to see that the longing might be something OTHER than just simply wanting another child. It might be the orphans wanting to get out of orphanage and my soul wanting a peaceful and less imprisoned life. But then the fear pops up: Does that mean I have to give up having another child in order to let my orphans go? Is THAT what this is all about? I keep thinking I have to define the longing. Working on all of this. WRITING on all of this. ha ha. It sure helps me to untangle things when I can think through words. Otherwise, it’s like a galactic mess of crazy up in my brain. ;-) Hugs to you OH.

  8. AnnabelL says:

    What an amazing and inspirational story. And I love the lines from the Robert Frost poem about taking the road less travelled. Sometimes it’s hard to trust in the less travelled road, as it doesn’t reveal its path or indeed its destination so clearly – I have an image of a route through a forest, leaves covering its path, the density of the forest not showing what lies ahead. Yet it feels so clear, reading the story, that is is the path Sharmini was meant to take, and it’s beautiful to hear how she kept walking. Reading this has helped me too, in a week where I’ve seen my despondent and why bother orphans show up. Particularly the comment about giving the orphan space, and that when she did the Visionary showed up. I’ve been working with Field of Creation imagery and seeing the orphan who’s flopped on the floor transform into a tall upright visionary who says ok let’s just keep exploring this, step by step, and see what the journey reveals. And then I had a couple of nice serendipitous moments yesterday: after a dream in which one of my friends got pregnant & I felt envious, I went to an event in a room with a great view over the city and looked out the window and there was a huge sign on top of one of the buildings, which said ‘Jealous’. It made me smile, and also somehow seeing this word out there in the city made it lose its uncomfortable charge – I’m not always comfortable admitting I feel jealous, and it’s not something most people I know talk about a lot. And at the same event I got talking to a woman who told me her friend got pregnant at 49, while having a fling with someone, and gave birth to a healthy child. Which was a nice little snowflake.

  9. Sulli612 says:

    Such a beautiful story. I’m so grateful it was shared with us. The path I am choosing to stay right now is trying to learn how to best soothe, hear and comfort my fear orphan. It is so strong, yet quiet, subtle and always there. Sharmini is an inspiration. Her ability to hear her orphans, help them and continue on her path gives me hope. I have also always loved The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. It truly is very fitting.

  10. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Wonderful fertile mamas,

    That is so powerful that the birth mom felt Christopher was meant to be with Sharmini – a beautiful family! I can’t even imagine all the orphans, visionaries and UM’s at play for the birth mom.
    Harmonious Life, keeping your heart open is a great thought and Sarah, trusting life as a constant teacher is huge. gutsymama yay for staying the course and Heather, labor can be physical or emotional

    Staying the course for me is working with the orphans but not settling into the orphanage. It’s been challenging for me because of potentially needing eye surgery, but a second opinion says no – at least no hurry. So my scared orphan has been an almost constant companion with me. I have been using the imagery of seeing the orphan of the moment as my child – maybe one of my children. So my image is a love bench of sorts and my son and daughter are there, next to them is the scared orphan (or the orphan of the moment) and next to that orphan is my baby to be. I ask ( in this case my scared orphan) what she has to say after seeing if my daughter is screaming for attention or not. If she’s OK, I can sit with the orphan, have her say what she is most scared of and what she needs. I also ask if I can scoot next to her with my baby to be. Body truth has been movement in whatever way feels right. I’ve been really liking the imagery. My scared orphan wanted to talk this morning about my husband maybe only having work for 2 more months? I thought that was going well. Our conversation helped. I am grateful my husband has a job doing awesome things to help save the planet – it just isn’t for the faint hearted.

    Blessings to all.

    • Sofi says:

      Thank you for sharing how you have been working with your scared orphan and using a love bench to do it. This is a great example to show what it really looks like to be there for your orphan and to image your baby to be in the process. You are always so supportive of everyone else, and I wanted to let you know how much your post today has inspired me as well.

  11. Harmonious Life says:

    I came here looking for more comments and thought of making one myself. For the first time in many days I did one body truth exercise this morning before heading to work. I think this is the best way to start my day – even though I don’t get to doing it as soon as I get up. Doing one practice in the morning is going to really help me.

    I was reading the Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s stone today and came across this quote from Prof Dumbledore when Harry hesitates to say You-know-Who’s name – “Call him Voldermort, Harry. Always use the proper name for things. Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself”.

    I thought this was so true and so much aligned with the Fertile heart practice. I don’t want to fear the labels that other people give me, but I should not be in denial of reality as it is today. Accepting my reality along with intensity of my longing would help the Visionary in me to find a path to a more desirable reality for my future. It will help me choose better, rather than avoiding to think or talk about something that bothers me.

    Also finding the orphans compassionately from their hiding places is kind of similar to using the proper name for things. Letting the orphan use the proper name for things she feels, and letting her express herself fully.

    Thank you Julia and fertile heart mommy friends for your support and brilliant insights.

  12. Harmonious Life says:

    Dear Julia.

    Thank you for another beautiful and inspiring blog post. Sharmini’s courage, patience and tenacity shines through like a diamond from her words.

    To answer the question for myself – what is the course am I choosing to stay right now? I am choosing to stay with the treatment course I signed up for 3 weeks ago, but more than that, I am choosing to stay on the avenue filled with possibilities with fertile heart tools, books and my journal in my backpack.

    To build my strength so I can choose to stay the course, I need to pacify and hear out my orphans, give them space, and give myself the time that the healing will need. The internal healing. I have many orphans coming up now – the strongest being – one who feels jealous of women who already have one or more children, and one who feels she is somehow left out of the group of girls at school when they are having fun, and one that feels lonely. She is lonely but not willing to extend her hand for help. I simply need to commit myself to use the tools on a regular basis and keep my heart open.

  13. Sarah says:

    This story is so beautiful. It’s also humbling because it makes me realize how far I have to go in order to get to the place where Sharmini seems to be – where the UM and Visionary are truly in charge and trusting life as a constant teacher and giver of opportunities. She still has her orphans but she is in the habit of seeing them, giving them space and then allowing the visionary to emerge again. I’m slowly building this practice now and grateful to have been given the tools to make it a way of life. I like what she wrote “Life is always right.” It’s a direct challenge the orphans in me that want to kick and scream and protest life (when she seems to be giving me a raw deal) instead of accepting her and seeing her strange and often hidden beauty. I don’t know where my journey will end but I know that if I keep working and practicing – that I can have an ending like Sharmani’s – where I feel satisfied, resolved and clear about what all this struggle did for me. I trust that the payoff will be deep and enduring. So thank you Julia and all the visionary moms for walking the walk with me at this incredible moment. I’m packing my hope, my dreams, my trust and my needy, angry orphans in my backpack and taking off for another round of walking adventure.

    • Harmonious Life says:

      How beautifully expressed, Sarah! ‘Humbling’ is such a fitting word for this blog post. Your comment helped me understand my own thoughts. Thank you.

  14. Mother2Be says:

    What a wonderful story! Thank you for sharing. Christopher is a lucky little boy!

  15. gustymama says:

    what a beautiful mom and family! thank you so much for sharing. I promise always to myself to stay the course!

  16. Heather says:

    What a beautiful reminder of how beautiful and hard our journey to our not yet born children can be. Labor ( in whatever form it takes- physical or emotional or both) can be hard and overwhelming but Oh so worth it. My ex had an adopted brother and his mother had a lovely card framed that said ” not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, not born under my heart but in it.”

  17. butterflyfaith says:

    That is beautiful! I absolutely love how she never gave up, and how she recognized the connection she had with her son from the first minute. That makes my heart happy. I’m starting to open up to things on this journey. I’ve realized I love being a mom most of all, however that happens. (At least, I recognize this truth on my good days, which are the ones the orphans don’t hijack.)



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