Susi will be 10 months next week. I can’t believe it. We sing all the time. Whenever our ‘family song’ (I’m embarrassed to say, it’s a top forty tune from Outkast) comes on—Susi stops whatever she is doing, gets the biggest smile you’ve ever seen and starts dancing. It would be impossible for me to love any child more than I love Susi. Our work in the group has helped me in so many ways; after all the years of holding on to sadness, it made me feel free again. It opened up the world in a way I never imagined.
… I think he’s quite something—can really look right at you, and stay for stretches, as if he’s drinking us all in… the arrival of this little one presented one of the biggest, and most challenging, gifts yet— I expected to feel instant connection and instead was hurtled back to my earliest days and my own mom’s struggles to accept me. I’ve really wrestled with strong feelings about him—initially not wanting him (and think there’s something about adoption that resonates here too) and was so taken by surprise by those feelings. Fortunately I’ve got lots of good emotional support and think I’ve been able to heal some of that “little Kathy” through it all, with Fertile Heart tools continuing to nourish and lead me… he is giving me more of myself, in ways I never expected.
I just posted on the web site and I still have all these unexpressed feelings of love and gratitude. The truth is that I can’t believe my good fortune. When I hold Mika, he feels like a miracle.
I can’t help but think of the first workshop I attended and an imagery exercise about what I would need to pack for my journey towards my child. I remember thinking of the child far away and stretching out his/her arms. The funny thing is that Mika loves to lunge and stretch out towards me—out of reach… he giggles uncontrollably and then runs towards me at full speed. I think he must know how much we longed for him, he seems to have longed for us too. He is so happy, we are so happy, so full of joy—I just can’t believe it.
I want to write you a million thanks. I want to recount every amazing thing you said to me, every moment I left our circle with more strength than I came with, every gracious thing you did for us… Mainly, I want you to know that you are a beautiful part of our story.