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Permalink:http://www.fertileheart.com/niaw-fertile-h=E2=80=A6aby-on-the-way/ =E2=80=8EEdit niaw-fertile-heart-kicks-off-national-infe= rtility-awareness-week-with-first-priceless-lesson-in-fertility-blog-fsh-= 150-amh-0-01-and-a-baby-on-the-way Get=20 Shortlink

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Choosing =
Possibility.=0A=
by Kumari Linley London, UK=0A=
=E2=80=9CTurn right, down the tree-filled avenue of =
possibility!=E2=80=9D I remember that line so clearly as I write this. =
So many times throughout this journey the Sacred Choices imagery on the =
Fertile Heart Imagery CD helped me do exactly that, "turn right down the =
avenue leading to the park full of possibility=E2=80=9D when I was =
tempted to turn left down the path of =E2=80=9Cinfertility, hopelessness =
and self pity." Perhaps my story will help someone do the same; to keep =
choosing the path of possibility even when the obstacles seem =
insurmountable. Our stories may not turn out the same, but if I learned =
one thing from the Fertile Heart Ovum practice, it=E2=80=99s that =
hopelessness is not a fertility friend and self pity can only lead you =
down a dead end road.=0A=
In June of 2010 I noticed my periods becoming sporadic and I =
began to experience hot flashes. I attributed the changes to stress, and =
the fact that I was in a new relationship after a rather traumatic =
breakup. The hot flashes stopped after a while but I decided to get =
tested and my first FSH reading came back at 109. I had no idea what =
this meant. I signed up for an appointment with a specialist through the =
National Health Service here in the UK. When I realized that that =
appointment was going to take much too long, I decided to go to a =
private clinic.=0A=
The first specialist I saw said: Gosh with these levels you are =
way past menopause, FSH levels need to be under 10. I was crushed!!! =
Desperate to prove that this must=E2=80=99ve been some sort of mistake I =
was determined to find somebody who would have better news. I could =
hardly breathe when the second fertility specialist confirmed the =
diagnosis. That started me on a downward spiral and after each =
appointment I got more and more depressed.=0A=
So when one of the private clinics was offering free fertility =
support group sessions, I decided to join. But the energy in that group =
got me even more down. Everybody was so angry and bitter I was in worse =
shape after the group was over than I was before I got there.=0A=
The third fertility specialist was with the National Health =
Service and by then my FSH soared to 150 and when they tested my AMH =
levels, the doctor reported that my AMH was pretty much nonexistent at =
0.01 level. It=E2=80=99s best, said the specialist, that I move toward a =
donor egg cycle as soon as possible. He said, that the later I do it, =
the less chance of success. So not only was I devastated, now I was in a =
frenzy, feeling I had to act immediately or else all chances of having a =
baby would be gone.=0A=
I was about to talk to my younger sister asking her if =
she=E2=80=99d consider being my donor but then something just made me =
stop. I=E2=80=99m not even sure what it was that got me feeling that =
what I was hearing especially about the rush toward egg donation =
didn=E2=80=99t make sense. I was only 34. I was reading about women =
going through successful egg donor cycles in their late forties, even =
early fifties. Why was this fertility specialist in such a rush to get =
me sign up for egg donation?=0A=
It just didn't feel right to me, so I decided =
I needed to just take a break, give myself a  chance to =
sort things through. And that=E2=80=99s when one day searching for some =
information on herbs I found Fertile Heart. I immediately got The =
Fertile Female and started to work with the CD=E2=80=99s, and when I =
heard the Expert Within Imagery on the first Fertile Heart CD, it was a =
kind of an instant enlightement! I suddenly felt how true that was that =
I had been going to all these external experts, but really had no idea =
who my Expert Within was or how I would access her wisdom. Gradually as =
I became more familiar with the Ovum ideas, the answers to that question =
seemed to come gradually. When I joined a teleconference I immediately =
felt like this was a whole different way of looking at infertility. It =
was such a welcoming community and the focus was on truly mothering =
ourselves and turning this into an opportunity no matter how things =
turned out. I loved that! I kept reading and re-reading the chapters in =
The Fertile Female. If I got down on my body about not doing what I =
wanted it to do, I=E2=80=99d read Issues in Your Tissues. For a while it =
was my favorite chapter. The Fertile Heart tools helped me get through =
the most crushing times, I had the CD=E2=80=99s on my IPhone and would =
listen to them whenever I telt like hopelessness was taking over. =
I=E2=80=99d do the Wailing Wall from the Body Truth CD when I got =
enraged at the pressure, that looking back, was all about money making. =
But at the time I was so vulnerable that without these tools and without =
finally accessing the fertility expert within it would=E2=80=99ve been =
so easy for me to succumb to the pressure. What were the most priceless =
lessons in fertility in this journey for me? I am glad that I had a =
chance to do this work; to look at myself and my life through a very =
different lens. I know you might be saying it=E2=80=99s easy for her to =
say that now. But the truth is that even before I became pregnant I =
realized what a gift this journey was for me. I=E2=80=99ve been so used =
to striving at work, in my relationships, and in just about everything, =
that my walk towards my baby, as Julia calls it, just became part of the =
striving. I would spend hours researching every herbal supplement, sign =
up for every alternative fertility therapy, berate myself for any slips =
in my =E2=80=9Cfertility diet,=E2=80=9D do every visualization exercise. =
But it was all done in such a frenzied fashion that it was perhaps doing =
more harm than good. When I finally understood what the Fertile Heart =
Ovum practice was really about, I decided that I was doing a good enough =
job. And I stuck to my routine around fertility supplements, instead of =
trying to find new remedies every second or third day. I did my imagery, =
and the meditation from Body Truth, and I hung on to hope in a more =
compassionate embrace. I found out I was pregnant on New Year=E2=80=99s =
Eve, such a fantastic way to start the year! Although I=E2=80=99m =
pregnant, I=E2=80=99m still using the tools, I=E2=80=99m still walking =
toward my baby, still learning about slowing down, treating myself to a =
reflexology session, reminding myself to be compassionate with myself. =
That, might be another important priceless lesson in fertility that I =
learned through my Fertile Heart journey. I must first be compassionate =
with myself, then it=E2=80=99s a lot easier to be compassionate with =
everyone else around me. I imagine it will also make it a lot easier to =
be a good mom. Thank you, Fertile Heart for being here, for helping me =
to hold on to the empowered fertility specialist within and to keep =
going. Thank you, Julia, from the bottom of my heart for pointing the =
way toward that avenue of possibility!=0A=

Word count: 0

Last edited by Julia - Fertile Heart on = April 22,=20 2012 at 8:59 pm

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