Did you know that foreplay can up your chances of getting pregnant? Of course you do. We all know that procreation was designed to be synonymous with supreme delight. What then do you do, when it ends up feeling like a sure road to failure, in spite of your secret stash of sex manuals.
Now, there is foreplay and there is foreplay. I want to talk about the Fertile Heart™ Ovum Way to juicing up your baby making. Nope, it’s not a visit to Victoria’s Secret, which is not to say that daring to be outrageous in the lingerie department can’t spice up production time.
You know the old adage about the key sex organ being your brain? I say the bedroom is the Kingdom of her Majesty the Heart, and until you surrender to her laws, all your orgasmic prowess might ultimately leave you feeling empty.
Great sex is about deep intimacy, not technique. I’m going to get real up close and personal here, but when it comes to revealing the shady secrets of my inner and outer life, I’ve pretty much reached the point of no return, so I might as well keep going.
A few years ago, searching for a gift in a local giftshop, I absentmindedly glanced at a colorful cover of a postcard-size booklet on a nearby shelf, picked it up and opened it to an image of a man and a woman looking as though they were really enjoying themselves. Hmm, I thought and turned the page. Another image, another intriguing constellation of limbs. In case you hadn’t guessed I was leafing through a “Reader’s Digest” version of the Karma Sutra, the ancient Indian instruction book of sexual behaviour. Leafing through the pages I came to a surprising conclusion: Ed and I could easily do some consulting for the next edition. I mean I knew we had fun. But I had no idea we were in the Karma Sutra Zone.
And we didn’t get there by going on a Sexual Freedom Technique Retreat.
Our comfort with each other’s bodies didn’t grow out of an instruction manual but through a perpetually deepening trust between us. Our hearts led the way and our bodies spontaneously followed.
These days, I have to remind myself that Ed was once the strong silent type. Not that I ever doubted that our marriage was built on solid ground, but Ed was not particularly demonstrative, and in the first moths of marriage, I used to beg him to fight with me.
“ I know you’re angry, I can see it, feel it, so c’mon, what’s going on?” I’d say.
It was tough for him to ask for what he wanted, nor was it always easy for me to let my guard down. And do you know what finally broke the dam of pride and fear between us? You guessed. It was our baby-making trek that allowed me to introduce Ed to some of my neediest, scariest, and to me, least lovable Orphans. And…he didn’t run away. Rather, he too, painful as I knew this must’ve been for him, revealed the hiding places of his own terrified toddlers.
The orphanages in both our hearts, as in any human heart, are pretty crowded. Ed grew up with a father who suffered for years from a life threatening blood disease and died soon after Ed’s thirteenth birthday. His childhood was a battle field that left countless scars.
Healing them together is one of the sexiest things we’ve ever done.
So, the foreplay I’m talking about can begin for you anytime. It begins with the courage to know what you want and to learn how to ask for it.
“A line of Beckett’s says it all when it comes to couples caught in the maze of baby making.
‘To be buried in lava and not turn a hair, it is then a man shows the stuff he is made of.’ The consensus seems to be that the stress of fertility treatments and disappointments can easily break up a marriage. Maybe so. But it can also help you find out who you are married to, and what the marriage is made of.