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Dr Purani Palanaswami, is a medical doctor, but in this video, it’s her openhearted, gentle, generous presence that is bound to bring healing to the many women waiting to hear her story. Thank you, Purani for passing on the gifts of your journey!

This was not the plan…

I got married at 40 and we got pregnant right away. But unfortunately we went through a miscarriage. A very early miscarriage.

I wasn’t thinking that this was the end of my journey. This was just the beginning.  And I was okay with that. We waited for about six months and we decided, it looks like we’re not getting pregnant naturally, we can try IVF. We met with the doctor and I thought, boom, boom, boom, we’re going to have a baby. They told us that because we have travelled out of the country, we would not be able to start IVF for another six months. Because of Zika.

I was so astounded. I thought, Wait, wait, this wasn’t part of the plan. I’m supposed to do this now. But okay, we’re going to wait six months. In the meanwhile, I learned about acupuncture and diet and we did all that. And I thought we were ready; we’re going to have a baby by the end of the year.

The first IVF

The first time I did IVF, no response. I had ZERO response to the medication. They couldn’t even go on to the next step. I was so confused. What is this? This is not supposed to be happening to me. This is not what was in the plan.

We were upset, Angry. We learned more about IVF. We dug deep. We learned about different protocols and felt we were taking a little more control over what was happening. We ended up wit one embryo that was viable for transfer.

So we decided to maybe try one more time. This was now my third IVF. Just to have another chance.

When that didn’t work, I was in the depths of despair. I don’t think anything in my life had challenged me like that. Because I thought this was it.  And my poor husband tried to console me and he couldn’t do it.

First Fertile Heart steps

I went online and I was looking for anything and by Grace, I found Fertile Heart. I remember listening to the imagery and the first sentence was: “Congratulations on deciding to be parents.”

I thought, Oh, my God, finally, I’m not a failure. We already decided that we’ll be parents. Those words consoled me so much. After that I devoured everything, I read every story on the website, I read every book. I read it twice, I read every story three times. Even though it didn’t come naturally to me, I joined the Visionary Circles, and I said you know, if something is not right, this is the person who is going to guide me to what is calling me.

And with that leap I started the practice. And we also decided to try IVF one more time. We sought the best opinions in the country. I went to another doctor who I thought was more woman-centric, I felt better with that doctor. We tried IVF one more time and it didn’t work.

The workshop

Somewhere in October I decided I had to meet Julia, I had to see her. And we travelled to Woodstock for the workshop. We had  a beautiful weekend and felt so comforted by her words.  I remember her saying, There are a lot of things I don’t know, but I do know this topic, pretty well, and I’m good at it. I’ve done it long enough.”

We also shared out story at the workshop. I carried three or four diagnoses from four doctors. And one of the unique experiences in Woodstock, was I had mentioned one thing, that eluded me. After my miscarriage in 2016, my period went to one day, it had been 7 days and all the doctors said, don’t worry about it, don’t even worry about your lining, and Julia for some reason just focused on that and goes, “Your body is signaling to you, NO, not now” It was actually what I felt inside and she voiced it. There was some kernel of truth to that. I couldn’t explain it any other way. I was given a moment to realize that my body is so responsive to what I’m feeling.

We went back home very happy and elated. But again, we tried IVF one more time. And again, it didn’t work. And I said okay, this is it! My body doesn’t want this. It doesn’t want to do it this way.  And we were told egg donation was a good option, adoption was a good option.

I was doing everything, but…

My husband looked into my eyes one day and said, I know we were supposed to do this together and I support you in any way. And that just gave me the space to feel that whatever happened in the past, whatever decisions I had made to come to this point at 42, that it was okay.

I gave myself a little bit of breathing room, I had a one on one session with Julia and I’m like, I’m doing all these things. I’m doing everything. And she said in the most gentle way, “Purani, you are doing everything, but it’s not linear, it’s not like if you check all the boxes, it’s going to happen. And I knew she was right.

We took some time. I was going to email Julia to set up another session and within two weeks I got pregnant. So I was already pregnant when we had our second session.

After 5 IVF’s, we ended up getting pregnant naturally. I want to shout my story from the rooftops. I’m glad I have a chance to do that here.

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