After 3 Years of Trying to Get Pregnant, 3 Things that Made a Difference
- rekindling my belief in myself and the belief that I could get pregnant naturally
- finding and owning my longing for a child – MY child
- repairing my relationship with my husband; his fear manifested itself in believing in and frequently reminding me of the ‘old egg theory,’ wanting to do IVF as soon as possible, in telling me that I never follow doctors’ advice, that I self-diagnose; my fear manifested itself in telling myself I’d be fine if I didn’t have kids and in running away from doctors who made me feel inadequate with their long list of physical things that apparently weren’t right with me, in emotionally running away from my husband who I felt at times was persecuting me with his constant pessimism and each new insistence on a further consultation with a new doctor, a new ‘”authority”.
Endo, Cysts, Low AMH…
I don’t think the physical things mattered in the end (“severe” endometriosis, endometrial cysts blocking follicles, borderline critically low AMH, subseptate uterus, short menstrual cycle, small fibroid, thyroid autoimmune antibodies, etc)
Rather, it was the mind that shifted the physical. When I was given a disastrous low AMH reading in September this year, we hit rock bottom. I was told to do IVF as soon as possible, with my next cycle, but i was so freaked out my period arrived 2 days later and I was in no state to start. The doctor had made a big performance of telling me she was downgrading my chances in the light of this new reading, which to me seemed like she was saying ‘here’s your opportunity to get thousands of pounds and burn them to nothing’. I felt like suddenly a gun had been put to my head with a ‘”get pregnant now”‘ ultimatum in it.
Following through in spite of obstacles
I found the Fertile Heart site that weekend. I ordered all the books and CDs. They arrived and finally someone was addressing that which no-one else had attempted to address despite ££££s in medical and alternative medicine fees. My heart and emotions. I shifted my work schedule and booked myself on a trip to Woodstock; despite the best attempts of a Hurricane to wreck my journey, I managed to attend.
Through Julia’s work, I discovered I’d been living out my Orphans and that my husband & I had had an Orphan to Orphan relationship. I spent time connecting with my longing for a child, realizing that I had to own the longing to be able to make sensible decisions, or to withstand medical treatment – it was no good not even daring to hope for children in case I was disappointed.
Fertile couplehood
Slowly I got my husband and I to start having conversations from the UM perspective (this was very painful at first). One night, we began to share childhood memories and he suddenly opened up about his family and his parents’ response to an elder sister he never met because she died two days after birth. It became clear to me that his catastrophising about not having children was linked to his having grown up in a family coming to terms with (or rather not coming to terms with)the loss of a child. From this moment, I was filled with compassion for him and his family as I discovered his orphans around not having children; before that, I had just felt stranded by what I saw as his lack of support and his over reaction.
Practice, practice, practice
I did Fertile Heart Body Truth and imagery work twice a day, sometimes repeating them for 45 minutes at a time. I went to a craniosacral therapist to help nurture myself back to strength (I would recommend…much better than acupuncture – i told her about the imagery work and she worked with me on them) and I dosed myself with vitamin D, iron (both low) and took repeat AMH blood tests. I also ate a lot of chocolate almond cake as I’d become very skinny – of course this contradicted every fertility diet, but in an attempt to sort my digestion I’d become afraid to eat and something needed to be done about it. With each test my AMH level went up until the last test at the beginning of December showed it was back where it was last January. We went back to the clinic in early December. Though I had developed this passionate longing to get pregnant naturally in September, I realized afterwards that it was partly an orphan fuelled ‘f*** you doctors! How dare you tell me what I can or can’t do!’ After connecting with my longing, I worked hard to see doctors as a resource (but not an authority) that could help me meet my child halfway.
Does this Fertile Heart stuff really work?
I was meant to start IVF with my next cycle, but my next cycle never came. January 1st no period, January 1st a positive indicator on the pee-stick. I’m actually a bit weirded out because I know that I willed this to happen. I became utterly convinced that I would be pregnant soon and through that, it seems I am (I did a lot of Jailbreak, Mirror of Truth and Issues in Your Tissues from the Fertile Heart Imagery 2 CD and and Defend and Receive from the Body Truth CD) When Julia told us in a phone circle before Christmas of 2 former circle members who were pregnant, I thought ‘great, this Fertile Heart stuff really works’ and ‘that’ll be me soon too’: somehow my jealous orphans didn’t come out as I was convinced it could happen to me too – that if it happened to others it could happen to all of us no matter how supposedly unlikely.
Choosing the road
It’s very early days yet and with a pregnancy a whole bunch of new Orphans have joined the fray; it’s 3 years now since my first pregnancy (ended at 6 weeks), but I’m still doing imagery work – I’ve been doing lots of 3 Steps Forward, from the Fertile Heart Imagery One CD, & 9 Hearts (Imagery 2 CD) but just recently I’ve switched to The Playground also on CD One, as I want to dare to feel longing. I first started thinking ‘oh 1st trimester is so difficult because you have what you want dangled in front of you and it can be taken away at any time…’ but then I remembered that a friend told me you then worry about the next trimester and then the birth, and then growing up, school, university etc, etc.
If you let yourself go down that route, parenthood, that thing we seek to make us happy, instead becomes one ceaseless worry.
So I’ve been remembering what Julia said to me when I told her I was pregnant and anxious: that Patience and Faith are two good friends.
Through Julia’s work, I discovered I’d been living out my Orphans and that my husband & I had had an Orphan to Orphan relationship
The cultivating of faith was perhaps the most important step in my getting pregnant: I’ll have to cultivate it further for the rest of this journey and beyond. Meanwhile dear ladies, think about this: i believe the Fertile Heart Ovum Practice and a commitment to nurturing yourself through it really works and this can be you next. Somehow, some way, a snowflake at a time, we can all have the family we dream of.
Love and happiness to you all,
Bee
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