Motherhood Preferred: A Poem for a Friend

By on May 7, 2019

Motherhood Preferred: A Doorway to Freedom

Sister, friend,

Do you want to be a mother,

or yearn for redemption?

Do you want to be a mother,

or is it restitution you’re after?

Is this child—your child-to-be—

going to set them straight,

show them

they’ve done you wrong,

never gave you

what you came here to get:

Unconditional Adoration?

Mother Braiding Child's Hair Fertile Heart
Mother Braiding Child's Hair Fertile Heart

Such a heavy burden

for her small shoulders,

your daughter’s shoulders

are caving in under all that weight.

Sister, friend,

tell that child to come home

when she’s ready.

Tell her the door’s unlocked.

When she asks if there is anything she could bring you,

tell her you have all you need

Tell her to




This is a poem I wrote after witnessing the pain of a beautiful Mom-To-Be, during a private session. It turned out to be an effective fertility remedy for her.

Attending to the Orphan within us that expects to be saved by motherhood can be a pivotal step toward birthing the Visionary Mama that simply longs to love a child.  The Backpack imagery on Fertile Heart Imagery One CD is another  powerful remedy for this hungry child within us.

Here’s a  question: what is one expectation you’d be willing to let go off that might allow you to walk this trail with a lighter step?

Pregnant Woman in White Dress - Fertile Heart Mind-Body Cleanse
Pregnant Woman in White Dress - Fertile Heart Mind-Body Cleanse

52 Responses to “Motherhood Preferred: A Poem for a Friend”

  1. Purple Parrot says:

    Hi Julia
    Having been so keen to be on the call this evening it was frustrating not to be able to participate properly but I caught the tail end as you mentioned this blog so I came over to take a look. I love this poem so much. The picture is so accurate, of inviting the little girl to ‘just bring herself’. I remember calling to my little girl back in 2016 and asking her to come, if she wanted to – and telling her I’d do all I could to be a good mum and help her on her life journey once she’d arrived.

    Which she did. And now, 2 years later I’m on the calls again only this evening I could not settle her, until finally I held her little toddler hand and she fell asleep at 9pm…just as the call was coming to a close. So I’ was really frustrated and I’ve been doing so much imagery recently and body truth and actually now DOING the things I’ve been talking about for so long (my networking fertility meet, hospital appointments to establish the health factors of going ahead with a 2nd child , job interviews to start earning as an artist). And dealing with family and those orphans who are less vocal but still very present at times and needing my love & attention. To be honest, I’ve been overwhelmed but I’m trusting the UM to guide me through.

    And then scrolling through this blog and reading posts I came across this description below and suddenly realised you were talking about me:

    ‘She is 52, had her first child at 51. Yes, she went through a successful egg donation, but it took guts and lots of inner work to follow through on what she wanted.’

    And I thank you for that. Because it was the fight of my life to find the guts. And it has reminded me that my UM, given the inner work, will always guide me through.

    With love to you and to all on the Euro circle, and indeed to everyone in this wonderful community xx

    So many thanks to you. Always.

  2. LivingFully says:

    Dear Julia
    firstly – thank you for sharing this very beautiful poem – I cried at the end of it. The most potent realisation I have had just now – when I read:

    tell her you have all you need
    Tell her to

    Now I realise finally finally what this is all about – feeling and knowing that I have all I need, not putting it on the baby to bring me what I need. And tending to my own needs and living my own truths, listening and loving my Os are all part of this. I have been putting so much responsibility on my second baby! I have known this but not realised it. So, now I can also see the power of poetry. All the many words I have read and spoken – now I understand. I will be writing that on my journal to remind me every day to hold responsibility for my own happiness and not to put it on an unborn child.

    The expectation I am willing to let go of is the one that I should have a family of 4 to be happy or complete – this phantom family that my O craves. I am listening to her and have been doing BTs and imagery to help me take the next step of letting go. I have always struggled with understanding what ‘letting go’ means. I still always need to remind myself what it actually means… I think it is that it is a scenario whereby something very upsetting to me does not take over my emotions and that I don’t let it develop and descend into sadness or hate. That everything is done and ok. In fact, more than that – it is that everything is just the way it should be.

    Thank you Julia, I nearly didn’t see this blog as I had not read the blogs in May..

    Lots of love

  3. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    I’ve been working with Rock the Baby Fertile Heart Body Truth and working with 3 frames imagery to work through orphans related to a surgery I will have in a few months. It has really been helping to let the orphans say what they need to say and learn how to mother them in a visionary way.

    Blessings to al.

  4. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    Thank you so much for being here.

    I have been working with Rock the Baby Fertile Heart body truth and Council of Babies Imagery. The previous week I worked with my ideal job situation with Meeting your Child Halfway. I learned that I really wanted to feel appreciated. I am focusing more on appreciating myself at work and most of the days last week were a little better. My manager can be pretty critical of me, but on the other hand I keep getting messages that she doesn’t want me to leave, so I’m planning to just move forward.

    My husband and I had some enjoyable Memorial Day time together – playing mini-golf, taking a hike in a very beautiful area. That has been fun.

  5. Rosario says:

    Thank you so much Julia for this poem. I have been doing the backpack imaginary and I realized that in this longing for my baby I was putting so much pressure. I am an only child and I remember my mother longing for a second baby and getting upset and me too. My daughter is 6 years old now and keeps asking me when her brother or sister will come. The imaginary work is helping me to fill first this gaps of my past so me and my baby both can be lighter in the journey to meet each other halfway.

    One expectation that I am willing to let go although no easy it’s the pressure of the timing that I have put myself and allow the society to do the same ,the rush to get there I am 44 years old . So I can enjoy this journey in the knowledge that the baby will come in the right moment.

  6. Danielle says:

    Thank you for this poem. I’m definitely guilty of placing my own burdens on this missing child. I’m doing the field of surrender and finding that it helps a lot fighting this mindset. thank you!

  7. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    I believe it would be helpful for me to give up the idea of perfection in others and myself and just be grateful for whatever loving action towards me and trying to be more loving to others. My manager at work seems to be striving for perfection with us, and sometimes it would be nice to hear we appreciate so much what you do. I’ve been working with my visionary who has boundaries so that work and its emotions areen’t so consuming . I have been working with Rock the Baby body truth.

    Blessings to all.

  8. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    I have been still working with having my body move the way it needs to body truth and telling myself affirming things as well as the vision of the longed for family. I have tried to remain open for guidance. That is still a challenge for me, but I feel I have received at least some guidance. When I am challenged at work, many of the caring for myself techniques get challenged because I am in the moment trying to do my best. Julia’s guidance to me about having it be OK to make mistakes is very helpful. It calms me after some particularly challenging work days. I’m trying to care for myself emotionally by telling myself good things, particularly when I am most impacted by others’ not so positive point of view. I’m trying to identify my orphans and give them voices and see what they need.

    It is wonderful to hear from you, findingfaith21. It sounds like the orphans are having a bit of a party. I’m sure you, as their Mommy, can comfort them and let you run your life. The best of luck to you if you’re making decisions.

    Blessings to all.

  9. findingfaith21 says:

    I’ve been absent for months, both from the group and the practice and pretty much everything else related to this journey. I’m not depressed or angry or panicked, anymore. I’m just in a weird limbo where I don’t want to give up, but I don’t want to keep going. I want a baby and, I’m so tired now, I don’t. Isn’t that strange? I’m just hollow, and I feel kinda beaten.

    I just celebrated another birthday in this land of limbo, and I see it makes 6 years I’ve been here. I’m now closer to 50 than 40 (and that IS what instills panic in me), and I am not quite sure how I got here, and I’m miffed I’m still here. I’ve not thrown it all to the wind–I’m still doing acupuncture and eating like a monk, I’m exercising and ridding my house and bathroom of all toxic chemicals (well, most. I still need my wrinkle cream. Coconut oil doesn’t cut it). And my husband and I are closer than ever, so that is a huge win.

    But I’m not doing any inner work. I feel it doesn’t matter and I’m only pacifying myself. I have moved into a small room of the orphanage and let those screamers run amok. (You’re so ooooolllld! You’ll be dead before the kid gets out of high school! Who are you kidding? No one gets pregnant at 47 without $20K of donor eggs. You think you’re tired now? Wait until you have to pottytrain a toddler when you’re 50. You’ll never retire! The kid will obviously have special needs because your eggs are fried. You think you’re equipped for that, or that it won’t ruin the great thing you have going now with your current family? Rock the boat and sink it, sister. And it’s so clear you’re NOT fertile. Hellllooooo—it’s been 6 years! You should have hopped on the IVF wagon back at 42 when you had a chance.) I just put my earbuds in and ignore them. So THAT’S been effective. Sure. (Dammit they’re loud!!)

    Or I use my energy debating for the 10,000th time if NOW is the time to make that call for donor eggs, or if that’s even where we should go, or want to go. I tire myself out fretting about details that may or may not come to pass, and spinning mentally out of control as I gnaw on yet again the natural-IVF-donor-oh fuck I’m old-what am I doing merry-go-round. It’s no wonder I feel like I’m in limbo. I’m exhausted and I’ve gone nowhere.

    Yet tonight, out of the blue, I was popping around online and I saw Julia’s blog. And as usual, like a cozy sweater I had forgotten how good it feels, things just clicked and I heard my brain sizzle into focus. What resonated was the question about expectations. I’ve wrestled with this for years, and I thought I knew the answer. Having children already and feeling very unsettled with my place in the infertility world, I have always doubted my worthiness of this. I mean, I already have kids. Who am I to ask for more? What kind of mother am I to waste so many years on a doomed mission when I should just be happy with what I have and get on with my life? (good morning, Orphan!)

    Before, I would have always answered the expectation question with this: I expect this baby would make me complete, our family complete. But now, it’s different.

    The expectation I would love to give up is that this baby will justify me. He will justify my mission these past six years. He will justify my stubborn dedication to this single goal. He will justify all my work, all of my attention to every physical detail, every new-age fertility plan, every dollar spent on treatment, every fertility drug side effect, every time I said no to more drugs and yes to natural conception. This baby will justify my belief that persistence is good, no matter what the doctors said or statistics said. I persisted, and I succeeded. I was RIGHT. Look at me! This baby will blow apart the fear that nothing I do makes a difference/moves the needle. He will show me that that is not true. I expect him to be proof that I am strong, young and determined, and that I overcame. I expect him to be proof that I can get what I want, and it will all be OK. Holy hell! Talk about a burden! Good grief. No wonder he won’t show up. I would run away, too.

    • Dear FindingFaith,

      Your writing is always so compelling. Thank you for gifting us with this comment. You say you’re doing acupuncture and detox and eating like a monk but no inner work.

      Dear K. that’s what I did initially and that’s what I found most people do for years, and call it a holistic. In fact, many people do exactly that and claim they’re doing the Fertile Heart practice. But without the real-deal inner work to guide our steps, all we’re doing is running around in circles, with the Orphans at the lead.

      None of us need to be any more evolved or holistic than we are, but in order to find some peace, there is one person that needs to know and be okay with the truth. I think you know who that one person is.

      A couple of years ago, I dedicated a blog to you and what I said there still holds: I don’t know whether you can or cannot have a third child. A wonderful Mom just returned to the European circle. She is 52, had her first child at 51. Yes, she went through a successful egg donation, but it took guts and lots of inner work to follow through on what she wanted.

      As I said, I don’t know whether you can have a third child and how that journey would look, but I’m quite sure that it’s not the child that will heal you.

      Your story is to me such a validation of the practice we engage with in this community. The same way your second miracle child (I do remember that email too) didn’t save you or me, neither would the third. The call to birth the next self is always there. The question is, will we recognize it for what it is?

      Sending much love to you, K.

      P.S. Here is that blog from 2015

    • treasure says:

      Hi there finding faith!
      I’m not one for finding words to express how I feel, in fact I’m pathetic at it, but everything you wrote in the first half of your comment is everything I feel right now to the T! Like you I was popping around on the internet after a bad day (someone at work just told me she’s pregnant) and I went straight to fertile heart website looking for something… anything to help. And there it was right at the top of the blog, your response. I’ve had a good cry because what you wrote struck a chord with me and the heavens opened. I needed a good cry and feel some release now.
      I’ve been out of the circle for over six months I think, and will ponder this blog for a couple of days and reply. I’m pretty drained tonight but wanted to thank you for posting and like Julia said, your writing is so compelling, it may be nice for you to know that you’ve reached out to me and hopefully helped me to turn a corner.

  10. ConceivingLove says:

    Dear Julia, Dear Fertile Mamas! Thank you, Julia, for yet another beautiful blog/poem and thank you all mamas for your helpful and inspiring comments. When it comes to my expectations, the first thing which came to my mind was that I expected my baby to bring me (self)importance and “being/feeling like a full woman”. It was very useful for me to realize this “burden” placed on my yet-to-be-born. I am not sure what (everything) else is hiding in my body and mind when it comes to expectations, but I wish to say this loud, so my yet-to-be-born can count on it: I love you already and I would love you to come for us to share and nourish and give that love back to the world. I know I am “a full woman”, I know I am enough. You are the gift. I love you because I think that is why and what we are here for. No expectations. Unconditional love.

    I also wish to share part of my practice with other mamas; perhaps something out of it might be useful. I was recently doing Field of Surrender. Julia’s voice says that we should fill silver balloon with our desire and all that we are doing to reclaim our fertility, bring all my actions into a balloon and watch it fill up with life. I realized, after a week (!!) of doing this, that I am actually filling up my balloon with OVUM work, with all my vitamins and minerals and exercise, and herbs and acupuncture etc, BUT I have (1) omitted my husband and our love and baby making journey! Also, I actually could not hear (I guess my BIG ORPHAN!?) Julia to say “watch it fill up with LIFE”. I realized that I am filling it with all “important, serious, heavy and “trying really hard” activities, but I did not consider all these activities as “a new life” giving. I realized that all the life and fun and excitement and passion were not words I would use or attach to “these activities”. How sad. And how beautiful to realize that. How do I expect a baby to come if forget to include my husband into the process? How do I expect a new life to arrive if I am not “full of life” at the first place? Thank you Julia! As always.

  11. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    Congratulations on your pregnancy, Bel, and I am so glad everything is going well.

    I have bee working with allowing my body to move the way it needs to and telling myself amazing things about myself body truth. I have also been working with the beautiful visualization of the longed for family. The visualization is very sweet. Letting go of control is very hard for me so far, but I am determined to focus on that as well.

    Blessings to all

  12. Bel says:

    Dear Love Wins & Warrior Beagle,

    Thank you both so much for your messages to me via this blog. I was really touched to receive them. It was great to hear the reassurances with regards to having healthy babies without morning sickness! As I now shift into the second trimester, still not a drop of sickness, but I guess I’m making up for it with other symptoms you hear less about: killer sore boobs and the reappearance of some eczema in my case! Not too much fun, but oddly reassuring…

    I had my 12 week scan last week and all was good. The blood test (a very reliable one to check for Down’s, which can also provide the sex of the baby) showed that (to my surprise!) I am carrying a little boy, due just before Christmas.

    Love Wins, for the moment, I’m taking a break from the European visionary calls as am just too tired after a long day of quite physical work on a Monday. But I wish you all the best with your journey & maybe I’ll reconnect with you all on those at a later date.

    Love to all,


  13. Practising Gratitude says:

    Dear All.

    I am looking forward to the Visionary series starting tomorrow. For last V series, I had registered as a participant. This series I am ready for participating as a member – after having been part of the previous intro series as well!

    I am writing a comment here that’s part of my commitment as a member. I shared the FH website link with a friend of mine, who didn’t know about the path we were pursuing. She has a cousin who maybe open to looking at the FH practice. I also shared with her that I am in touch with a psychotherapist, who I am going to meet in a couple of weeks, and that I need her support, because she helped me in some of my difficult/dark times 2 years ago, and i feel i really don’t have friends around me, that I need at this stage of my journey. I don’t know if it’s me who is not reaching out for support, or they not being available for me. Let’s face it. All of our pretty busy in our lives whether we are already parents or not. Most of my friends have two kids and they are pretty occupied with them plus their full time jobs. Although a therapist can’t take the place of a friend, she could offer a different kind of support, that I find valuable.

    I value this community and getting to hear from each one of you, is my snowflake that I always look forward to!

    As for my personal journey, I am practicing gratitude today. My last cycle was short (~21 days) so this cycle I am celebrating that I got to the point that I could take a home test at the end of 4 weeks. Result was not what I would have liked – but I know I am walking steadily on the path to meet our child halfway. In the meantime, I am getting to spend time to learn the things that I always wanted to learn but did not prioritize – swimming (and maybe biking).

    Love and healing to all.

  14. Inviting the UM says:

    What a beautiful poem!
    I think of myself as a mother who would have a work/life balance and be present for her child. That’s something I can begin to work on, today, while we are both walking towards each other, and something I should not and don’t want to anymore, burden her little shoulders with. I have all the supplies for her/us right here or know where to get them, or I will figure out where to get them when we need them. Till then, I put one step after another and keep walking.

    There are two things I want to share.

    The other day, I decided to cook lunch in the morning before heading to work. I did not have a lot of time but I was determined to cook lunch. As I was noticed myself getting anxious – I said to myself – instead of worrying whether or not I will make it to my train with my lunch, I need to focus on simply making the lunch. And then my actions will flow and I will make it. I did make the train with my lunch. That is how I want to walk towards our child. Not to worry whether I would reach her, but simply know and trust that I need to keep walking and learning along the way. And one day she would be in my arms, as a result of all those steps, big and small. And to shed the shame from my skin for all the decisions i/we have made along the way and for the path we have chosen to be on at this moment.

    Two weeks ago – I was at a free event hosted inside a gym. We were there to see a friend take part in a group dance. When I entered, the auditorium-cum-gym was less than half filled. It’s a big basketball court. Three girls are running – the oldest of them is probably racing with one of the two younger girls. The younger girl is winning, she is ahead of the older girl and the older girl suddenly pushes this girl in front of her, and the younger girl trips and falls. She is probably not physically hurt, but she starts crying. The other younger girl is watching and says “You pushed her”, and the older girl denies having done anything. I am observing this and a nearby woman approaches the girls – she is not a mother to any of the 3, probably a nanny. She doesn’t say anything to anyone, but simply consoles the crying girl. I tell the older girl who I saw pushing the little girl – “You know what you did. Please be nice to each other, okay”.

    I was thinking why some girls are mean to other girls. Kids this young, want to hurt other kids. Then I drew a parallel to my own behavior/actions with my body. When I don’t feed my body well, that’s what I do. I trip my body child. She depends on me to care for her. But I don’t often serve her well, even when I am aware of what I am doing. I think this is a calling for me to pay attention to my body child.

    Thank you for the Fertile Heart practice, I do have the tools. Only thing I need to do is, to get up and begin again, and find the fun in this exploration, again.

  15. LoveWins says:


    I was on the call with you and the others when you talked about the fear/worry of not having morning sickness. I want you to know that I am cheering from the sidelines for you and so happy to hear of your pregnancy. While it may only be anecdotal evidence, my sister-in-law carried my little niece to term with no problems and never felt sick; I guess it does happen for some! Blessings for your journey. I look forward to hearing how you are doing on the next call.

  16. Nancy says:


    Thank you for the poem. I see your point but it makes me sad too– I’m not expecting a child to bring anything or fix any of my underlying issues. Isn’t it ok just to want a baby to love and bring more love into your life? This poem feels like people who wish for a baby and are not having any luck with that, that it’s their fault because they have burdened a baby with solving their other issues, and if they just let up on that maybe the (unburdened) baby would come. I think it’s natural for all the past pain and turmoil that put most of us in this position to begin with to come up during infertility, but isn’t this mostly a biological problem? It’s not our fault that our bodies didn’t cooperate when we wanted them to. This poem just seems to indicate that it’s our fault again, that we are doing something wrong to prevent the baby from coming. Who doesn’t want their baby to bring new life and heal old pain? Isn’t that part of being human?

    • Thank you so much for engaging, Nancy! It’s a poem, so it’s of course open to interpretation. To me (and some of the other commenters seem to respond similarly) the poem is about allowing our desire for a child to be a source of healing; to become aware of what it is that we need to become aware off in order to turn this challenge into a powerful healing/growing opportunity. As for “infertility” being a biological problem? Have you ever cried? Feelings, thoughts, beliefs are expressed in our biology, they effect our hormone levels and every system in our bodies. If you get a chance to read The Fertile Female, take a look at the Unbearable Oneness Of Being Chapter. It will make all this much clearer. Thank you again for the comment. So nice to “meet” you!

  17. Bel says:

    Beautiful post, Julia. Thank you. I think I need to let go of the fear I sometimes experience that this pregnancy I am now 10 weeks into is going to go wrong, in order that I can walk with a lighter step and trust in the journey, however it unfolds. More than I’d anticipated, I do trust it and am fortunately not spending my whole time caught up in a bundle of nerves. But there are times it catches up with me. While I feel lucky to have experienced no sickness at all, this can also unnerve me and make me question whether there really is still a baby growing inside me. I have to trust that if that baby wants to show up in this world, it will. And even though I am mostly looking after myself well and eating well, my perfectionist O rears her head whenever I go off piste with my eating and tells me that I’ve messed it up. I have to remind myself that all over the world women are going through pregnancies and having babies with FAR worse eating habits than mine!
    Bel x

    • warriorbeagle says:

      Hi Bel. It’s been a while since I visited this site, as my twins are now 2. I was a very active participant in Fertile Heart around that time and (in my own way) still am now. Anyway, I happened to read this post and your comments on it. And maybe this will help. I carried two humans to near term without one drop of morning sickness. Ever. At all. So don’t worry so much about it. Also I can relate to your feelings, because I initially had crazy heartburn and then it suddenly went away. And I drove myself crazy thinking something was wrong. It wasn’t. These are the orphans. Be kind to them, as they’ve been through a lot and feel a very heavy burden of reaching the finish line. It will all be ok.


  18. sylviaariasp says:

    Dear Julia,
    I am writing my response to your beautiful poem and sharing a little bit of my work in my visualizations!

    Such a lovely child I saw! She was walking towards me in the meadow. Her fluffy, short, brown curls blowing in the wind. One big curl hanging right in the middle of her tiny forehead. Big brown eyes staring and smiling at me. Curly lashes fluttering like butterflies. I am there, patiently waiting for her to come towards me. She does and she starts to speak. Loud and clear. She tells me she always felt ugly and that she needed to hide. “We must hide”, she said, “make sure we are not seen, make sure we do not call anybody’s attention, make sure never let ourselves shine too brightly”. I see her pain and sadness. She does not stop. She has more to say. She asks me to give her power now. I hug her and tell her that I will. I mother her to the best of my abilities and she is happy. She is healing, or maybe it’s me the one who is healing. Maybe we both are. The child looks back up at me again and tells me all along she only wanted to feel loved….
    She is me. I am her. We are one.

    And yet, to my longed for child, the one that is not here yet, I can only say, we are both ready for you…. We can do this. We are one.

    • Hello Sylvia, You kept your promise and I’m keeping mine. Thank you for these beautiful images and for sharing so generously on the call yesterday. And thank you, thank you!!to each of you for posting your thoughtful, heartfelt comments. I appreciate it immensely that you are engaging in conversation with me here.

  19. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    Dear Fertile Mamas,

    With Julia’s guidance I have been working with turning my making mistakes at work and the orphans that accompany that into a source of strength. My orphans say it is not OK for me to make mistakes, that somehow I am not a worthy person if I do make mistakes. Julia encouraged me to acknowledge that it is OK for me to make mistakes, that we all have our unique gifts and that I have my own unique gifts and that it is wonderful to have the courage to take on a job challenging enough for mistakes to be made. I have been working with the 3 frames imagery Fertile Heart Imagery II, All of Me All of You modified). My first frame is the orphan who berates herself for making mistakes, the third is the voice of he Ultimate Mom, and the middle frame is the visionary who is her best self. The creative way I am working with this issue, is now when I make a mistake, if I have a similar situation and do not make the error, I notice that I am doing it correctly. My ideal supervisor would compliment me on this improvement, so I am moving my focus to these improvements.

    Blessings to all.

  20. WithGrattitude says:

    What a moving piece of poetry.

    One expectation I have that I need to work on letting go of – showing them that I can do it. Having a baby is something I decided I wanted a long, long time ago and if I can’t do it, then I fail. In all other aspects of my life, I am determined to go after the things I want. I speak up, I work for them, I put in the effort. I am crying inside “I WANT A BABY!” (and I think I even cried that out loud at your workshop, Julia) and I am doing all the things people tell me may help me have one. And I’m still not there. If I don’t have a baby, I let myself down, I let them down. I’ve shown them that I can’t do it. And worst of all, they know I wanted it and I’ve come up empty.

    I know there will be a great life for me and my husband if we don’t have a child. I think of all the things we will do – or won’t have to worry about – if we don’t have a child. I may always have a small hole in my heart for the child we couldn’t conceive. But we will be fulfilled in other ways and okay.

    This was a really cathartic post for me to write. Thank you Julia and thank you Fertile Mamas.

  21. chopin says:

    Thank you, Julia, for writing this poem. I am ready to let go of what’s required of me as a daughter, sister, wife etc. I just want to be me. For fun these last two weeks, I went to hear a favorite pianist, had my piano tuned after four years, four years since Nick’s last chemotherapy treatment, and am willing to experiment with how much can I let myself feel life? Not to be afraid of life? Playing piano as though none was listening, so to speak. Forget that my brother used to say I have no rhythm. Enjoy life in full sips, as they say in Czech! This attitude has already gave me an easier way of breathing, not having to just lick my wounds from the process of trying to conceive…

    I hope to hear you tonight on the call.

  22. Gravid Sans Doute says:

    I believe the hardest thing for me to let go of would be a child who was not able to love me at all. That probably tells me that I need to love myself as much as possible.

    Blessings to all.

  23. hwe123 says:

    Hello friends,

    I’ve just read the blog today, and what a beautiful poem, Julia.

    These days and months, I feel the yearning for a second child not only through my own body and soul, but through my daughter’s. She asks, “why is it taking so long?” or, “I want a baby RIGHT NOW!” She’s a wonderful, sensitive, light beam in my life, but she’s also difficult, fiery, and demanding. (I would love to explore that issue later, but it’s a tangent for now). I see other children without siblings, and they seem content, but my daughter is not, and wants it as badly as we do. It’s almost as if she voices the urgency-orphans, but also our real longings. The intensity is so pronounced, as I see how she yearns for a playmate, and it breaks me. She never wants to leave play dates (which I realize is partly normal), or anywhere where there are other kids, and she loooovvves playing with 2 siblings together.
    Theres a feeling that she feels lonely, or bored, or that somehow we are insufficient. I’m not sure if these are MY orphans, or if they are her genuine feelings, or some of both.

    One of my beliefs is definitely that she will never be happy if she doesn’t have a baby to love, or that somehow she will blame me or think of me as incompetent, as she notices all the other pregnant moms at her preschool. I also share some of the other visionary moms’ feelings of lack– that a family of 3 is somehow ‘less than’ or not a ‘real’ family.
    Another belief is that a new baby will heal our family wound; my husband and I will somehow evolve into a real partnership, and that we will learn to manage our stress in a way we desperately need.

    I also share the above sentiments on how growing a baby will help me feel that I’m a legitimate woman. Even though I DID DO IT once before, and I am so so so grateful, the experience feels far away, as does my fertility.

    As I reflect on this question, it’s really difficult to choose what I am ready to let go of, and I think it’s because it feels out of my power, and I guess I am scared that I am incapable of true growth. The orphans feel so large, they are like monsters. But I do hold onto a vision that I wish to be unburdened by this BS; I wish to live in the current of YES and in recognition of this amazing life. It just feels that I don’t know HOW to really and completely digest, process, love and accept these parts of me that hurt.

    one of the big ones (besides everything above!) is:

    -Deep regret for the choices I made that didn’t place my desires/intuition at the forefront … everything from why didn’t i freeze my eggs, dare to have a kid before marriage, realize that I was depleting my body all those years teaching yoga, to not weaning my daughter when she was 1, 2, 3…taken better advantage of the window from age 40-42 when I seemed to still be ovulating, recover better/faster from miscarriages, tell my husband that we should get help sooner…and ON and ON. What a pity party!

    I really want to work on these regrets and constant blaming (of myself and my partner and even my daughter). But after writing all this, I am still struck by my inability to feel into what expectation I am willing to let go of, because I do crave a lighter step. I think it is the expectation that a new baby (a biological miracle baby) would make all of this mind-killing chatter stop. That somehow they would break into this jail I’ve put myself into, this way of operating that tends to feel nothing works out FOR ME. Certainly, having my daughter was the most joyful and miraculous accomplishment, but she didn’t re-wire my brain, and I am still prone to neuroses (even more so) self-belittling, etc.

    Whoa, that was a lot.

    I look forward to the call this week, and hope that I can begin to untangle some of this. The last call was truly gorgeous; thank you to everyone who shared.


  24. AnchorMama says:

    Dearest Julia,

    Thank you for sharing this poem. It is a powerful reminder. On the last call you asked us to comment about how we are having fun. This last week I have been finding fun in the small moments, the spaces between rushing out of work, picking up my son, running to the grocery store, making dinner, etc. Finding the spaces between to fill with giggles, tickles, a good book to read (even if it is only a few sentences), a pause to sit and breathe in the beautiful spring air or feel the warm sun on my face. To me my fun this week has been not having a plan and just being present to the fun that happens on its own, those small precious stolen moments. Accepting that it doesn’t have to be planned, or created, or big moments has been a remarkable thing for me this week. Letting go of expectations or preconceived notions about what should be fun or make me happy or should be happening in my life is very freeing. The act of letting go of at least some of that is actually what has made me happy.

  25. LoveWins says:

    Dear Julia,

    I found myself very sad this morning as we learned late yesterday that there would be no pregnancy this month. I’ve been frustrated with this all not happening on my perfectly planned timeline! Oh, silly me. Somehow I keep thinking it will all work out exactly how I imagine it. After sulking for a bit, I remembered that you had said that you were going to post on the blog during the last call. Thankfully, I decided to read the blog and became more thoughtful about the question it asks. At first, I thought, I don’t expect the baby to bring anything, I just would love to have a child to love, hold, and to discover the joys of being a mommy! Then I read some of the responses from other Visionary Mamas and realized that I do expect the baby to bring me something: I expect unconditional love. Oh, my…..the very kind of love that is so very hard to give myself. I guess there is more work to do there. I’ll be keeping that in mind with this next cycle and beyond. Although I’ve been doing work in similar areas, this is probably one of the toughest. Thank you for building this community, this journey would be so lonely without it! -S

  26. Joanne says:

    Beautiful poem, Julia Thank you. I keep reading it over and over.

    I think the one thing that I can let go of to lighten my journey is anger. I think that anger can be a productive, healthy, human emotion, as long as you feel it, move through it and don’t stay there. But lately I feel like I’ve stayed with my anger too long, not letting it go, allowing it to comfort me, instead of the other way around.

  27. ThinkPositive says:

    Yesterday I think i noticed a new snowflake: I realized the hope and healing are disturbed in me by the orphan who wants me never to forget the bad things, hope to make wrongs right. But i then realized it is time to promise the orphan that i will never forget, yet it is time to let go of the heavy grief, to forgive them and myself for the lost time, lost love, unfulfilled promises. I thought i left it all across the atlantic but i didn’t. My orphan never stopped hoping for an opportunity to relive that which is gone now. I am planning to create a ritual that will let me put the wrongs in the past and will help me come to term with the fact that i cannot change the past. Again, this does not mean i plan to forget. But reliving the past is wrong too, and does not help me to live my life. So the ritual will promise/ show my orphan that i will never forget, but also will help us move on–at least i hope so. And so Julia, the one thing i am willing to let go to lighten my journey towards a second is the belief that the child’s love will change the past or help me reclaim it. It cannot be reclaimed and hurting constantly will not help to reclaim it.
    The child’s love will be the child’s love.

  28. simone says:

    I also read it over and over again. My feelings are similar to summers.
    To add for myself – I need to let go of the need that with one more child I can justify not to go back to my high stress job i had before I had my first and only child.
    I guess I needed the feeling I am needed at home…? I always had acceptance through my work, felt good about working and the results – and to leave all that at once – caused this emptiness i guess I tried to fill up.
    I need to let go of the feeling I am not worth much without my job?
    ??? hmmm
    Thank you

  29. Cristy says:

    Dear Julia:

    Thank you Julia for posting such a beautiful and insightful piece. I have been giving much thought to your question about which expectation would to lighten the load on my journey. I would have to say that the loneliness Orphan keeps showing up. I am expecting my second child to be mine and my daughter’s companion that will take away all feelings of loneliness and would provide what I can’t. Definitely a huge burden for my little angel.

  30. ThinkPositive says:

    Hi Julia,
    The beautiful poem reminded me of Kahlil Gibran’s “On Children” ( and made me think how even when we receive the child we long for, the children are always “[t]he sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself” as Gibran’s poem suggests.
    Thank you Julia for all the insights you’re brought forth in me.

  31. Sarah says:

    Thank you Julia for this poem. The one thing that I would let go of is the expectation of genetic perfection. My doors are open, come as you are.

  32. LSG says:

    As I reread this post, I realized that I could let go of the thought that it’s not necessary to have 2 children in order to: 1) be a “real” family, 2) be a successful mom, and 3) make sure that the first child is well-adjusted. That’s a lot of pressure on that second child and lack of compassion toward myself. In fact, all three of these are already true, but my orphans sure have a hard time seeing it.

  33. SC07 says:

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. It gives me the opportunity to pause and contemplate as I continue on my journey.

  34. Openhearted says:

    Dear Julia, I took the time over the last week to find the one thing that I aim to let go. I found that I aim to let go of my child bringing me completeness. I have had this feeling that if we have one more child then my family will be complete. My journey of having children will be complete. But I have come to realize that this is not true. That completeness that I am striving for is what I have been looking for all my life. I have lost some pieces of myself along the way. Through doing this work I have learned that I am slowly regaining the pieces and evolving them into something more. I have the control to know I can create my own feeling of completeness in life!
    With thanks and blessings,

  35. dmama says:

    Thank you for this beautiful poem! I have read it a number a times over the past few days and have been waiting for the answer to pop-up. Two answers have come to me. One is that I want the baby to fill up my home and make it feel lively. The other is that I want to baby to make me feel youthful. Julia, one thing that I understood from the call was that you encouraged us to seek out those things that we wanted to baby to bring us on our own in order to unburden the baby and remove those expectations from him/her. So, I have been working hard to fill my house in other ways–we’ve been having guests over every weekend and it has felt quite lively and full. I have also been trying to do things to feel more youthful and reconnect with my younger self so that the baby should feel welcome to come into expectation-free and burden-free open arms. Thank you!

  36. Sulli612 says:

    Hi Julia. Through your practice and attending your workshop in Woodstock, I realized the crippling fear I had been holding onto for most of my life, as well as an inner orphan who has been screaming, “What about me?!” probably since I was 3 years old. These two realizations literally broke down walls I didn’t know had been built. The things I am willing to let go of are the aspects of me that are trying to control/prevent something from going wrong, and the blame/self-doubt if something were to go wrong. I am so glad to have found the faith and trust that my baby will meet me half way on this journey, all I have to do is take one step at a time in his/her direction and do so with compassion for myself and others. Thank you Julia.

  37. heather says:

    Dear Julia- I have read and re-read this poem many,many times. I struggled with replying because I had to step back and take a good look in the mirror. I have focused on my pain, my struggles, and my losses rather than looking forward to what will be gained and who this journey is truly about- my child. Those orphans of mine focus on me, me, me, my time, my loss, etc. I am willing to let go of my expectation of timing and just accept that my child will come when he or she feels ready- I am unlocking my door and I will be there when my child is ready to join me. I loved what Summer stated about being deeply loved and loving deeply. I am here for my child and my arms are wide open ready for her whenever she is ready.

  38. Summer says:

    Hmmmmmm…… I have enjoyed reading this enlightening poem over and over and over again for the past week. My truth is that I began my journey toward motherhood as the visionary who simply longed to love a child we created from our beautiful love for one another. When this journey brought heartache is when my hungry Orphan began to scream and i got lost in a yearn and plea and self-demand for the restitution you suggest, Julia. My “journey” became desperate until recently thanks to practicing OVUM and your amazing books. During our previous visionary circle series you posed the challenge to each of us to answer this question: “What do you want this baby to bring you?” Among my seemingly obvious answers, the answer “confidence” spontaneously popped in ! Wow. That was an eye opener. I realized I was losing confidence in myself to birth the precious miracle of a child. That is simply not acceptable and indeed a burden to lay on an innocent baby. My door is wide open because I love deeply and I am loved deeply. I am a safe haven for you dear little one, I am here to bring you, just you, only you, into our world.

  39. Tania says:

    Dear Julia- “Tell her the door’s unlocked.”- that is the part of the poem that I felt unlatched a little something for me. The clingy orphan wants this whole conception to go “my” way, on “my” terms, on “my” time. Such a relief to feel into- what if I wasn’t standing by the doorway checking the pot of water to boil so to speak at every second, looking out, desperate to find her- so yes, she could fill some empty part of me. What if instead I went and had a cup of tea and played trains with my son instead and watched for whatever showed up next for me from a loving open place. Feels good! And I appreciate the insight that the poem gave me. Thank you for posting.

  40. tracy says:

    Beautiful poem! I love it even more as it is me in the picture with my little girl and I am days away from delivering our second, a baby that many, many days I thought would never, ever, come. The poem is a reflection of exactly how I felt during my journey and with Julia’s work, I was able to find my way to lift the burdens I was carrying. Thank you Julia!

  41. Madhu says:

    Such a lovely poem with very deep meaning to each and every word !
    what is one expectation you’d be willing to let go off that might allow you to walk this trail with a lighter step?
    Hmm……”RESPECT” is what suddenly popped up. This is the answer for the moment. I want my baby to bring back the respect I had for myself. I always viewed myself as a HERO…..well may be I’m a narcissist. But off late, I don’t see that kind of attitude. I have tied this to my baby and in my mind the orphan keeps singing continuously …..”Dear baby, come on in soon and alleviate my pain, embarrassment and save my face in front of this world and more importantly to my own self”.
    Finally I feel better, as I kept reading this poem from morning almost every other hour and asking myself this question and nothing concrete came up that felt like a genuine emotion/feeling.
    I want to let go off putting the burden to earn respect through baby making

  42. Katy G says:

    love this so much Julia and needed this as well

  43. Hautbois says:

    This is such a healing, illuminating poem, and I thank you, dear Julia.
    It allows us to unveil our Visionary Mama —
    With gentleness, my Visionary Mama is showing me that I can accept and appreciate all that is in my life, now! And that my child will join me, as I love her for who she is, in that most elemental and sublime calling.

    I aim to let go of my expectation of my child bringing me ‘calm.’
    I have the ability to choose what is right for me — to create calm in my life — now.

    With Love and Gratitude,

  44. Openhearted says:

    Beautiful! Wonderfully written! T

  45. Robin says:

    Dear Julia,

    Thank you for the beautiful poem. Loving the child because the child is. That makes total sense. I am learning to love my daughter because she is. And part of this is learning to love ourselves because we are.

  46. Mother2Be says:

    Absolutely lovely Julia! Thank you for sharing. ~M

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