Just As Scared as the Year Before, Except…

By on January 7, 2013

Chances are, this year I will be just as scared, just as frustrated, arms flailing, grasping for a rescuer. On bad days I might feel as jealous, and petty as I did last year. As I perhaps will intermittently keep feeling for the rest of my life.


Except that I’m also quite certain that my excursions into Orphan-alley will be shorter this year.   This year the arms  of the Mama in me are stronger than the year before, her embrace wider. Allowing me to let go, sink deeper into the softness of her compassion. The letting go today is more complete than yesterday.  Her understanding of the Orphan-roots of my erroneous actions reaching far beyond the explanations I would’ve offered in years past.

This is good.

This is growth.

This allows me to claim a quiet dignity not so easily shaken by the madnessses of the moment.  It gives me a more solid ground to stand on. Lets me walk out into this year with a slightly steadier step.

It frees up a few more ounces of energy to spend on the possible!

And you? Anything shifted inside that makes your step a little lighter? Or maybe more challenging? Maybe the labor is more intense,  the contractions now stronger and more frequent now that you’re gettig more fertile and more alive?


11 Responses to “Just As Scared as the Year Before, Except…”

  1. Eva says:

    With the new year I celebrate the first anniversary of sharing my desire to be a mother with someone else and with family. Instead of being met with criticism or doubt, my ‘coming out’ brought so much relief and pleasure. This year I can breath a bit more freely than the last and embrace my longing instead of hiding behind elaborate layers of doubts. Let’s toast to the birth of our true selves! Thanks for letting me walk alongside of you.

  2. Lilli says:

    Thank you Julia for this question. My new habits have become so natural to me by now that I almost forgot how much has changed over the past year: I have been basically dairy free and caffeine free now for one whole year. And I changed my breakfast routine – most days it is a warm porridge of whole grains, sometimes with fruits or with nuts. And the best about all this: I do not in any way miss or crave these foods. I would have never believed that. Instead it has been a very joyful process, prompting me to discover other options that taste AND feel good to my belly.

    I believe that this is so has to do a lot with the Fertile Heart work, which taught me to recognize which emotional needs I was trying to appease with yet another vanilla latte. The OVUM tools taught me to allow myself to really feel my fear, anxiety or distress in the moment it occurs, to hear it and attend to it. … and then take time to listen to my heart to what it most desires for me in that moment.

    Thank you Julia, for teaching these practices. They have made my life more joyful, more honest, more peaceful.

  3. What is different this year than the last one? Now, that I have the support of this community, the OVUM tools and the guidance of Julia, it feels safe to reopen old wounds. And it hurts a lot at times, but I look at it as a part of the healing process. I do not hide any more, I do not pretend that everything is well, I show my feelings. Thank you Julia for teaching me how should I accept myself.

  4. Tina says:

    Dear Julia,

    Thank you for a beautiful blog.

    As a result of my OVUM practice and taking part in the European circle I feel there has been a definite shift in me – I now have the AWARENESS of orphan-rooted feelings and behaviours. Also I didn’t feel the presence of my Ultimate Mom before, but now I can see her, quite faintly, but she it there, I can feel her encouraging me to go on. If I feel scared, frustrated, angry and jealous I am aware that this is coming from Orphan-alley. This awareness is making me step a little lighter when orpans come out of hiding. I am so thankful that I am on this path with you all. I wish all of us more growth and lighter steps in 2013.

  5. Katherine says:

    Dear Julia

    Thank you for the reflection.
    When I look back at 2012 I can definitely see a shift. With the OVUM work I have learnt that my orphans are not ME but an expression of a feeling, one part. This has helped me take some step back and welcome the visionnary.
    I’ve also grown strong enough to feel and to listen to my more stormy orphans – rage and jealousy.
    I am no longer contend to be passive and leave my next steps in the hands of my doctor. Its my journey afterall , nobody else can navigate it in my place,
    Wishing everyone a peaceful, strong and wisdom filled 2013,

  6. Christa says:

    Dear Julia,

    Thank you this is so beautiful.

    You are right we can just continue as we did last year, being angry, being jealous, being sad and we can take these moods through all our life.

    But thanks to you there is a way out, there is a light and there is hope if we just keep going, changing our view on our self and on others.

    Thank you for your first conf circle yesterday night it was giving me exactly this bit more hope, a slight shift towards what is possible and the confirmation that it is not the others fault. It is completly and only in our hand, our own attitude what will be and how we will feel.

    I wish all of us a lot of energy to be able to make the shift to be a bit lighter and a bit happier with a lot of hope and less suffering on the way to our babies in the new year.

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