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The Fertile Heart Answer to "Why Me?"

By on August 4, 2011

To  Morgan and Fertile Heart Sisterhood:

questionmarkpurpleThe “Why Me?” question comes up a lot on our fertility journey and I’ve attempted to answer  it in many ways over the years, but some weeks ago, you Morgan, have inspired me to go a little deeper with the answer.  In one of your message board posts you shared that you’re feeling sorry for yourself and that the “Why Me?”  questioning Orphan has been coming out of hiding.

In response to your question on the message board I suggested that you work with specific imagery exercises and I suggested  another question for you to ponder: “Why would the Bestower of Babies choose this particular assignment for me at this particular time?”

It was great to see you engage with that question. You said:

-because I (the Bestower of Babies)  know she can handle it

because I am sure she is going to be an amazing mom

because I know that through this Morgan has cultivated the ability to feel more compassion for her fellow human beings

because she has amazing support from her family and friend

because she has a special role to play in her family line

because I love her.

Thank you for these thoughtful answers, Morgan!

And true to form I’m going to suggest a few additional answers of my own.

What if the Bestower of Babies has assigned this particular assignment to you also

because she desperately needs your help

because the level of exploitation and lies in the world of baby making calls for courageous women like Morgan to speak up

because my diagnosis has revealed a disturbing fact about the use of birth control pills that women of all ages (especially young         women like myself) should be forewarned about.

You see, Morgan, and all you awesome Fertile Heart Sisters out there, we humans rarely feel that the beings,  whose help we seek, whether mere mortals, or “Bestowers of Blessings and Babies” need our help as much as we need theirs.

But to me, that is primarily, what we are called to do through all our challenges.  To realize that we are needed.

And  I can safely say, that I have  met some brilliant, brave women in the last 16 years of doing this work.  All I can think of is that the Bestower knows where to look for help.

My hope is that each and every one of you,  continues to unravel the Mystery of this challenge and remembers that the Great Dispatcher in charge of choosing the next generation, is counting on your goodwill, the same way you are counting  on Hers.

How about you? What would your answer be to the “Why me. why now?”  question whether it’s baby making or any other adventure you’re wrestling with?

19 Responses to “The Fertile Heart Answer to "Why Me?"”

  1. Rebecca says:

    I really appreciate this post, Morgan’s thoughts, Julia’s thoughts and all the comments I’m reading here.

    Here’s my question: “why not me?”
    I’ve learned so much on this journey.

    The juiciest part is what I’ve come to now, discovering the delicate balance of:

    *self-love without self-deprivation.
    *holding on without being white-knuckled
    *surrendering to how I feel and to forces beyond my control
    *accepting what is without putting limits on myself or what I’m capable of

  2. Hopeful Mom says:

    Why me? Only recently have I even started doing the emotional work I needed to face what has been inside of me for so long. I thank God for you, Julia and your book and your tapes. I have been living in shame and with loathing for myself for so many years. I haven’t seen many people post about this – perhaps because of the shame and I don’t blame them. I was raised Roman Catholic and I had an abortion when I was younger. It went against every natural instinct I had but I was too young to understand the impact it would have on me and the regret I would live with for the rest of my life. I tried to put it out of my mind and I hid it from my mother. I created one of the worst tragedies of my life. I think about that child and what he (or maybe she) might have become and I can’t help but wonder if God has punished me all these years. I had everything I needed then, but didn’t know it. I had a boyfriend I loved and a family and resources that would have been enough – but I feared the shame and that I wasn’t enough to be a good mom then. I was so young and knew so little about the world. I have been longing to be a mother for a great deal since then but like the girl I was then, I keep waiting for my life to look perfect for bringing a baby into it and that has not happened. Through church support (christian church) I have realized that my lack of faith is what caused me to make those terrible decisions. I did not have anyone older and wiser that I knew and trusted to lead me to the right decision for me. To reassure me that it would be okay. I am still waiting for that person and I realize, through this work that that person is within me – the Ultimate Mom. Since then, I have tried to become a responsible woman and even got a master’s degree in marriage, family and child counseling, thinking that it would make up for it and when I did have a child I’d be more prepared (only thinking with my intellectual mind and not my gut, god-given intuition). The Fertile Female is such a beautiful and life-affirming book and it is such a shame that our popular culture does not support women as much as it could. We support men and their needs much more in general. I suffer from so much anger at myself for not standing up for myself and my baby back then. I thought of what everyone else would want, except for my baby. I now feel my baby crying out for me to be its mom and I am trying to learn how to shut all of the other voices of people who don’t really care in order to nurture that one voice that really does matter to me. It may seem very illogical, but I realize that what I wanted was not just to be a mother, but to be a great mother, a more prepared mother. Yet it just doesn’t seem as if the world recognized that. I wanted the world to be perfect for my baby and now I know that that will never happen. It was as perfect as it needed to be then and it is as perfect as it needs to be now. There is so much love in my heart that I want to share with my baby. I took my fertility for granted, thinking it would always be there for me. What’s worse is that I am an adopted child. I wanted that child to be wanted not just by me, but by everyone. I grew up in a world that valued money more than people. It’s a long road ahead, but I am learning to find that more compassionate person for myself and to trust that if I move ahead and create this baby, then God will provide everything he/she needs. She/he will already have a mother that wants him more than anything else in the world and that’s a good start.

  3. Angie says:

    I just want to thank Julia, Morgan, and all of the ladies who replied to this post. So much of what many of you said really resonated for me. I spent last Sunday throwing myself a pity party because my friend who just got married this summer is already pregnant. She didn’t want to tell me to my face, either, but I forced it out of her. My jealousy orphan went into a full-on rage after she left. Funny how quickly things can turn when I had been feeling really good doing my imagery and body truth exercise for the last few weeks.

    Like so many women out there I think taking the scenic route to motherhood is giving us permission to know ourselves better, and learn how to be kind to ourselves, both physically and emotionally. I spent the first 32 years of my life is a constant state of self-loathing and didn’t even realize there was another way to be. I come from a long line of people who have struggled with their anger and emotions throughout life and just accept their state of emotional turmoil and refuse to ask for help or do anything about it. Instead, they take it out on their children without even realizing it. Well, the buck stops here.

    I,on the other hand, have realized that I have immense power and desire for more. I want to know myself and truly love myself. I do the work I need to do because I want more, not just for my husband and children, but also for me. That’s why I’m committed to doing this work – because I’m not going to settle. It’s scary, don’t get me wrong, but so necessary.

    I know I have so much to offer as a mom and a woman in the world, and as long as I can work towards building my relationships to the visionary and the UM already within me, I know in the end I will be successful.

  4. Sharm says:

    I have been thinking about this post for a few weeks since I first read it and here I am finally.

    The answer has remained constant and it’s a very frightening but I am feeling brave tonight, maybe it’s the full moon and the terrific storm we went through..

    Why me? So I don’t end up like my mother. There I said it, it’s out there for you to read and for the universe in black and white. My body responds with shivers, sweats and tingles when I touch the truth so I know that I have. This journey for me is not just about healing my body but about touching the generations that have come before me and our yet to come. I am certain of it. I have been on this journey for 7years and now and finally it is crystal clear. My mother is a loving, kind and compassionate. In my eyes she has never faced the truth and has never once spoken up for herself and lives her life dependent on other people. She plays the victim as do my three aunts. She married a man she was arranged to and conceived me right away and cried the entire first year of my birth, including most of her pregnancy as she said at 29 she had no idea of how to take care of a baby. Hmm.. wonder why I have history of endo and my body has it’s shield up?

    I am 39 and this post is not about blaming her. She is who she is and I will always love her like crazy but I am not her. I have all the reasons to live my life in my orphan reality and be a victim. I went through over 15 ivf cycle. Yes it’s true, it’s not a typo. Granted most of them were cancelled or changed to iui’s due a poor response but I still took the drugs. My fsh was non existent when I started like a 2 and it was in the teens when thanks to this work, and a lot of stern talking to by Julia I stopped. So I can lead my life blaming myself and the Harvard educated doctors for letting me going through numerous ivf cycles that obviously depleted my ovarian reserve. Or I can live in the UM reality and say that was perfect. All of it. Because now I can speak up for all those women that are going through repeated cycles with heavy doses of drugs. Why would anyone in their right mind keep giving a 32 year old woman tons of drugs to stimulate her ovaries when it is obvious that it does not work? Why not say you produce one beautiful egg a month just like nature intended and let’s retrieve and transfer that one egg. I mean you are 32, and your fsh is 2 so chances are that egg is a pretty darn good one. Well in our research, we get the best results with three eggs? Really? Then your research is bullshit. Each women’s body is different and you need to alter your protocol based on that. Some women may produce 22 eggs to get one good one and some may only need one. That’s what I would say now but it took me a long time to get here.

    My first step in speaking up is starting a blog (that I hope eventually turns into a book) about this journey. I plan to start it this Fall, by October 15th. I promise to check in on the board and let everyone know how it is going.

    Why now? is easy, because our not yet born children have never needed us more to make a difference. So that I can take one small step to make this world more peaceful for them.

  5. Rhonda says:

    Hi all,

    Came across this quote and thought it was fitting.

    “Here is the rule to remember in the future, when anything tempts you to be bitter: not, ‘This is a misfortune’ but ‘To bear this worthily is good fortune.’ ”

    –Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor

  6. Melissa says:

    Thank you Julia. Thank you Morgan.

    What a powerful and difficult question. I certainly have asked that question several times and I do not yet believe I have successfully arrived at an answer. However, your blog made be think about another “Why me?” story. I remember hearing a story on the news about Sarah Palin and her husband before the birth of their youngest son who was born with Down’s syndrome. Sarah went through the “Why me” and “Why us” questions. Whereas, her husband simply asked, “Why not us?”

    There is a greater purpose and meaning for all things that happen to us in our lives. I have always been a positive and optimistic person. One of my favorite quotes is about attitude- Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we respond to it.

    I am trying to stop asking why and trying to focus on my response. It is a tough battle some days!

  7. Rhonda says:

    Why me? Those are my exact thoughts these days! After attending the July 31 workshop, I thought I was in a great place and ready for a baby!! And then announcement of two more babies on the way and two babies born! All just to send me back to square one with all my orphans screaming out in full force for attention. So, what I gather from this:
    I need to give up control. I keep thinking I can influence this somehow. Apparently, I can’t. I need to relax. I need to give up the timeline. All things I learned from the 2 announcements of pregnancy. So even though they are pregnant and I am not, there are lessons to be learned from their journeys.

    What has helped me to come to these conclusions and what will only continue to help me in every way. Doing the work of the fertile heart Ovum Birthing practice. As Julia said, just do the work for 3 months and see where you are then. I am now more committed than ever to do the work and am looking forward to all that it has to offer, enlightment, growing, community, calm, perspective, and the list goes on.

    Very timely blog for me! Thank you Julia!

  8. Natalie says:

    Why me? A question I have found myself asking more than once. Although I am still searching for the answer, I think the work I’m doing through Fertile Heart is helping me to sort out all of my feelings and get in touch with answers about myself that I might have not otherwise found. My orphans come out every once in a while, but not as often. Why me, maybe because if I was not ever challenged with such a huge hurdle, I probably would not have ever realized my strength. The strength that has lead me to FH and given me the willingness to keep trying, no only to have a baby but to grow as a person. I have learned that if I want something bad enough, I am the type of person that will fight for it. So maybe the bestower of babies wanted me to realize some things about myself and the person I’m capable of being.

    Thanks for the post Julia!

  9. Anna from Wales says:

    Its good to hear from all of you and to be back posting, its been a while…

    For me, “why me?”, I have had so much to heal and this journey has been the most effective catalyst I have yet to experience in my life for me to truly look at things and also let them slowly reveal themselves. Just when I think, surely I’ve cracked the hardest part now something else is revealed, I realise another piece of my own puzzle and I hope its another part healed. Just bringing it up and out into the open, the revealing seems to often be enough.

    I have been wondering if I have been chosen for a reason, is there a specific mission coming my way? Or is it quite simply that I needed to strongly develop compassion for myself so that I might better experience it with my own children and break a dysfunctional thread running through our family that I have known I needed to shake since my very early 20s, even though I could not say exactly what it was, I just knew I did not want to repeat the cycle. Maybe such compassion is exactly what I need to better live in this world, to better engage with everyone I encounter and maybe then I might be able to make a better contribution in whatever I am doing than would have otherwise been the case.

    It is strange that despite almost 4 years of trying to conceive and as yet no baby to show for it, that I find myself far more relaxed than probably I have ever been. This must be “why me”, I often wonder if I actually volunteered and chose myself, for the sake of my future kids if not everyone who has to deal with me…

    Very thought provoking, thank you Julia and thank goodness for this place of sanity and sanctuary in what can so often be the crazy world fertility world.

  10. gal says:

    Why me? Why now? I have been no stranger to those questions on this latest journey. If I were the bestower of babies looking down on me I can now see so much that woman needed before she could move forward. I was chosen because I absolutely needed a mother’s love, I needed to make peace with my many orphaned girls, I needed to be able to know with all of my being that I was meant to be here and no one or thing was preventing a child from coming to me. I needed to find this community and understand the true value of giving and receiving support, I needed to learn patience, faith and trust and that I was safe. I needed to learn again that dreams are valuable and mine and that no one can take them away. I needed to reclaim my body and start listening to that inner voice instead of doubting and berating her. I needed to learn that I did have alot of power on part of the process of conceiving and that the rest of it is in the hands of a benevolent universe.

    And the bestower picked me because once I learned all I have and had found my life again I would know that part of how I would sustain this new way of life would be to act and express and contribute to what is needed in our world. That I would not be afraid and feel the darkness is winning but feel some hope by contributing to a more peaceful approach.

    Last night I was feeling the scary creepy feeling of fear that I will not find my next child – like it had just slipped through my fingers – I was feeling of how long I have been on this journey and that my son has another birthday coming up this month. I then saw a story of the writer who wrote “The Help” and how she went through 60 rejection letters. It turned the tide for me and I realized that just because something doesn’t come easily doesn’t mean there is something not right about it. I thought of all the stories I had heard of those who had challenged adversity in their life – those are the stories we hear about and find inspiration from. Sometimes I have felt alienated from women who I feel have easily decided to have a baby and did in a few months. That is their story though not mine – I want my own story of how I did it and there is absolutely no shame in what it took myself and my husband to get there. We know what we want and we are going to keep walking.

    I am grateful for the opportunity of this life,
    Galina

  11. "Princess" R says:

    The “Why me, Why now” reminds me of the fairytale I wrote with Julia some time ago that I will read to the growing little boy in my belly to remind myself of the assigned tasks and challenges I have been given in my life. I am so thankful for my assignment as I have learned a great deal about myself and trusting in life and in myself as well. The assignments never end and I continue to face challenges in my pregnancy every day as I am back on bedrest for the remainder of my pregnancy. The fertile heart tools are helping me get thru this challenging time and I know I will continue using them throughout my life. I can’t thank Julia enough for helping me see all of life’s challenges in a new light.

  12. Tracy says:

    What a thought provoking question.

    I believe that the Bestower of Babies wants me to learn WHO I am (as opposed to who I was told I was in my family or in school) through this process. To discover, on my own, great mysteries about myself that will enable me to go deeper within and partner with The Great Dispatcher for all aspects of my life.

    As much as I hate to admit it, He/She has gifted me with a challenge that I need very much. Had I gotten pregnant right away I would have made no changes to my life. I would have continued to go through life without really opening up and “living”.

    During one of the phone circles Julia asked what I was afraid of and I replied that I would descover something about myself that I didn’t like….I was holding back tears while answering that question. I no longer feel that way. I feel like I am chipping away and opening up my heart little by little every day. I can see the light getting brighter when I breathe in the positive engergy.

    Also, like Robin, I believe that it is necessary for me to have found the books and the community so that I can teach my current daughter and my future baby how to use what I have learned to engage fully in their own lives.

  13. Kristine in CT says:

    Julia,

    I have often asked “Why me?”, and after almost 3 years of trying to get pregnant I think I have a better understanding of the journey. As painful as the process has been, I have found out how strong I am. Growing up I never wanted children. As much as I love my nieces I never felt the “urge” for a child. Then at 36 I met the love of my life, and within a year the yearning began. Like most women, I thought I stop taking the pill, get pregnant, and happily ever after. Well, the first year I only had 2 periods, found out my FSH was 24 on day 3 of my cycle, and was told I was in early menopause. I cried, suggested my husband find someone else so he could have the family he always dreamed of, and then found Inconceivable. You truly gave me hope in a time of despair, something my mother never did. I started yoga, juicing wheat grass, eating fresh, un-processed food, and went to a fertility specialist. As someone scared to death of needles I began hormone injections into my belly area, got bloodwork done too many times to count, all to be let down and disappointed when my hormone levels “were not right”. Had I never read your books and looked at alternative methods I would have believed I was broken and beyond repair and given up. But I became more resolute, and began accupuncture, meditating, and doing visualizations. I am not pregnant yet, but grow stronger and closer to my UM every day. During my journey 3 of my friends have gotten pregnant and either had or are about to have their babies. Sometimes I feel I am on the sidelines, waiting for my turn to be in the big game, but you and Fertile Heart are always by my side, letting me know when it is my turn to be the one in the game instead of the cheerleader on the sidelines you will be there for me, and it brings tears to my eyes! Even now, newly 40, my mother is not there for me, constantly brings up how I am probably too old to get pregnant and she feels sorry for me, and all the while I feel sorry for her that she never appreciated the gifts she received by carrying my brother and me. The question “Why me?” is answered simply by saying I needed to find the UM for me, and the UM within me. Fertile Heart has given me that gift, and I hope to attend a workshop and meet you in person, and hope to receive and give you a huge hug, feeling truly loved and supported in a way no one else has!!! Much love and many blessings to you!!!

  14. slang says:

    Yea julia–your blog is back! Why me, why now? Why am i feeling afraid of the future with my baby growing inside of me? Why am i not trusting in life, my husband, etc. to support me? Because I am scared. I am scared of the unknown. I am scared of failing. I am scared of my husband not being able to support me in the ways that i need and me not being able to support myself. Being so ill the past few months with nausea and fatigue and exhausting ever way to take care of myself possible-sleeping, certain foods and not others, eating constantly to battle nausea, reiki, imagery, meditation, body truth—showed me that at some point, i have to see that there is a plan for me and i just have to surrender to what is happening. And, see the gifts in it. I now see that being so sick the last few months get me in the present tense as i white-knuckled it through most days. The monkey brain was off and i could sleep or nap and not worry about “what if? and there’s so much to do?”. What a great break. I didn’t wonder “why me?” i just wondered, in retrospect and went….ah, i see. Right now, i am struggling with my husband being in not so great of a place in his life and me feeling incredibly vulnerable with my pregnancy and still not feeling up to par. So, i wonder, why me, why now? I think that i am being challenged to stop pandering to my victimization and somehow step into my power. I have no idea what that means yet or even what the idea means but i can feel it. So, more to come.

    In terms of getting pregnant, i will say to the fertile hearters that i wondered many times “how come it’s so easy for some people?” and now, I wonder that about pregnancy, marriage, life. I don’t think it is so easy for other people. They just don’t talk about it so much. And, for some it is and that’s their life path. It hasn’t been mine and for some of that, i’m grateful. In other ways, I wonder how i make it harder for myself in feeling like things have to be hard or they aren’t worth it. or dramatic. I would like to heal this sweet orphan in me who is really crying out to be held and seen and understood. So, on the phone circle tonight.

    I said when i was in the middle of this pregnancy journey that such a big part of me was glad this rolled out the way that it did. In some ways, I wanted to go on the journey with julia and all of you and what came with that and show that i could use fertile heart to bring me here and then spread the news. And, I’m doing it and will keep doing it. I am glad that people I am meeting am inspired that I am 43 and pregnant. And, Fertile heart and the work are one of the first things (the first thing) to pop out of my mouth. People told me to “try this and try that” and guess what, it’s even worse being pregnant–know that you know yourself, your heart, what is right for you and where you are willing and not willing to go with things. And, believe in it and yourself and your baby/family. It will not fail you. I need to take that lesson today for myself. And, maybe check in with me and see where I’m at. Love to all of you and thanks for the post fabulous Julia! Suzanne

  15. Rebecca says:

    Morgan and Julia, I really enjoyed reading your answers. I’ve not really asked myself ‘Why me?’ As I have always known why I have fertility problems, but I have have question my judgement and ability to parent or whether I am worthy of another child.

    My FH journey leads me to engage with issues that are deeper than the physical obstacles. So my question is ‘Why now?’

    My answer is ‘If I hadn’t have had this longing then I would never uncovered a purpose and healing to view myself and the way I approach life, with compassion and slowly… oh so slowly… am beginning to believe in my own Um and identify my orphans and visionary as I go through my day.

    Rebecca

  16. KLou says:

    Hi Julia. A thought provoking post. I’m slowly coming to realize and accept that on an individual level the “why me why now” is saving my life. I can feel myself changing physically, spiritually, and emotionally and I will never be the same. The Bestower of Babies lead me to Fertile Heart, to your books, to this community where I am making a conscious effort and taking action to better myself and to heal. This journey has already helped me be a better mother and stronger person. It is helping me through an unexpected crisis (maybe a blessing) within my family right now. The Bestower of Babies must have known this is where I needed to be. On a communal level, we FH ladies give each other strength, guidance, courage, support because we understand each other’s stories and give because we have compassion and love in our hearts. The Bestower of Babies lead us all to FH because we needed to be here… but also because we are needed here. The giving and receiving aspects of this work are equally beautiful.

  17. Adrienne says:

    The ‘Why me?’ question usually sends me to a depressed state of mind. But there have been many life changes i’ve made since starting this adventure and can not realize there is so much meaning as to why i have been faced with this challege.

    • because i needed to slow down and engage in my life as a participant, not a bystander

    • because i need to know my husband, family and friends on a deeper level

    • because i need to know myself on a deeper level

    I am feeling more ‘in-control” these days. The work is slowly starting to pay off and i look forward to learning so much more.

  18. Mary-D says:

    Thanks for this Julia

    It really hit my heart strings when you said “realize that we are needed”.
    Often, when I’m with people who have their own children, I have (sometimes irrational) thoughts and feelings like – As I’m not a parent they must think I:
    won’t understand what it’s like to be a parent;
    I have no real responsibilities;
    what do I do with myself, what’s my purpose?

    For now, the “Why me? why now”, has quietened up a bit, and I can see my body needs my attention. I can see there is a lot I need to deal with to be the strong person I want to be. I can see the parallel between wanting to birth a healthy baby, and wanting to open up and trust my creative side. I can’t see these things every day so clearly, but I know that all this FH work is needed and I’ll be able to play a stronger role and offer more in this life.

  19. Robin says:

    To Julia and Morgan,

    What an inspirational blog!! We are special people who do not take the miracle of life for granted and hopefully we become excellent (not perfect) thoughtful parents. I believe through the fertile heart process we become better mom’s and maybe better mom’s are needed to raise more enlightened children who are better equipped to help the world be a wonderful place for babies and moms and dads and everyone else.



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