Reading the awesome comments (thank you!) on the “Believe in Yourself: Is That All It Takes? blog, I thought it might be useful to stay with that theme a bit longer.
Some of you have read that piece as if “belief” referred to your belief in becoming pregnant, and “doubt” referred to doubting that pregnancy was going to happen for you.
What brings you to Fertile Heart
The wish to give birth to a child is what brings most people to Fertile Heart. And for many that’s what compels them to call into the teleconferences and explore the ideas and tools of this work.
But ultimately this work is about making sure that we don’t miss the singular spectacular opportunity that comes with this particular unfulfilled desire. The work is about making sure we don’t miss a chance to be born into the human being/parent who is fully alive and fully fertile regardless of circumstances.
This practice and any life-enhancing practice is about making sure that the dragons we encounter on our human pilgrimage don’t swallow us whole; making sure that we choose to live this moment right now, aligned with our most thoughtful, most helpful, most soul-serving Self.
The guarantees we can and cannot expect
My question for myself, and something I would love support with and need to explore more is this: If a child is what I want more than anything in this world, then why can’t I do these very manageable rituals…in order to get what I want? The most reasonable answer I have right now is that my Orphans continue to scream at me: “This work is not going to work!” Click here for Mandy’s full story.
Yes, absolutely, for many, many women and men, the tools and ideas of I.B.O.W., have proved helpful in beating allegedly unbeatable odds. Some of those Moms are either currently part of our circle or have recently moved on to prepare for birth and baby. (If you’re out there, come say hi, when you can, we love to hear from you.)
If you’d ask what’s true for me, I’d say Yes, I do know that diving into the practice AS IF YOU ABSOLUTELY BELIEVED that it can make a difference for you, will absolutely make a difference for you. That’s what I mean when I say, you’ll have to fake it till you make it.
But the human gig and certainly this particular journey doesn’t come with guarantees of results, no matter how much we believe such results are possible Anyone who tells you they have a magic wand, and a secret formula to make it happen, is feeding into the Orphan of Denial.
Though this work, if you’re engaging with it like you mean it, can come with a guarantee. It’s not a guarantee of a particular outcome, no one can give you that. It’s a guarantee of your stronger, wiser, more grown up and more joyful Self showing up.
The Self that keeps walking
The self that keeps walking toward the object of her desire. The self that says: This is the path I choose, this is what’s right for me, and I take responsibility for that choice as I take responsibility for my life. I have done and continue to do what it takes to build the inner resources I need to reach my destination.
To believe in the goodness of being gratefully, lovingly alive; to believe that this challenge has come into our lives to heal something that could not be healed any other way; to believe that we are on this birthing journey not for a good reason but for a great one.
That’s my invitation and that’s the invitation of the Fertile Heart Ovum Practice. To believe all that, or wrestle with the doubter in you until you can live your way into believing.
Can’t wait to engage with some of these questions tomorrow night:
What do we doubt? What do we wrestle with and how do we live and love life and each other in the world of no guarantees?
One might say I am a little late to comment, but maybe I am right on time for me! I often doubt lately where is my joy in the day to day life. It is funny how I just happened to watch the movie Inside Out yesterday. I could so easily connect with the sad, angry, scared, and disgusted parts of this journey, but I lack the joy. I think I have been searching for that so hard when in the end it is always there I am just choosing to live in the other orphan lands!
I have been doing imagery daily and just choose The orphans and The Backpack. I have found that doubting orphan with both imagery exercises. I see the orphan who reminds me of no guarantee, like you might as well just stop everything, because you could get hurt again. Or the orphan in the back pack who thinks this child will complete me! LOL I know this is untrue. I think Joy has been squashed so much all I can see sometimes is defeat and despair!
So in the midst of all this I put my best visionary rooted boots on daily to find the sparkle! For example the smile brought to someone’s face, a good devotional, the beautiful fall leaves, sunset/sunrise, child giggles. Just finding the little things to fill up on!
Thanks for the thought provoking post!
Dear Julia and Mamas,
Thank you for the blog and everyone’s experiences in response to it. I took the first blog to be about how do you doubt yourself in general, and I have found lots of ways. But now I see the point of the “believing in yourself and the practice”. I think I still struggle with the belief that it can make a difference although I keep doing it as much as I can. I missed both October calls, which I was sad about, especially as I was also facing a very low point of losing hope and really felt the need for support. I’m in the place of having very irregular periods and trying not to worry about it being a sign of menopause. And I am still very firm in wanting to have a biological child with my own eggs despite my age. I just can’t give up yet.
A friend of mine who ended up adopting when she couldn’t deal with the emotional rollercoaster of “trying” any longer told me recently that there are no guarantees even if it is a biological child, and I know she is right about that. I know it is true that I can’t really control who the child would be and it doesn’t mean the child is more mine if we share genetics or not. It might be an orphan who is hung up on biology here, a very stubborn one. My friend talked about how much her adopted child is like her even though they look nothing alike and it was heartwarming to hear.
I do think this journey is challenging me to live my life differently, rather than being a workaholic. I have been challenged to take better care of my cats and be there for my husband in a way that I haven’t in the past, to show that I am ready for a child. I have been doing All of Me, All of You to try to improve my relationship with my husband as I think some of my struggle is around that.
Thanks to everyone for your honesty and motivation. It really does help to hear that I am not alone on this journey, and that many of you share the same struggles and feelings.
Lovely Mamas:
My update is so delayed. I once again had computer issues, but now seem to be back up and running again. Combine this with midterm season at the college and Halloween, and I’m having one busy week.
I’ve been doing my imagery and my BT, the latter not as regularly as I should. I’ve figured out my misstep. I often wait until late at night to do my exercises, but by then, I am so tired and I often doze off while doing my imagery and leave no time or energy for BT. I also oversleep in the morning and leave NO time for imagery. So I know what I need to do: START EARLIER. And go to bed earlier. And get up earlier. I have a deep belief I am not nearly getting enough sleep, and so my hormones are rebelling.
I’m also struggling with the imagery itself. I sometimes try to script what comes next, but since I’m aware of that habit, I try hard to catch it before it happens. So by doing that, I realize WHY I am struggling with “Meeting Your Child Halfway:” The longing I feel when I step into that ball of light HURTS. It does NOT feel good. It hurts a lot because that image feels like a dream, an impossibility. Why torture yourself, asks my “Fu**-it” orphan. Ug.
I had a rotten time last weekend. I was perhaps a day late in my cycle (I thought I may have ovulated a day early, too, and I had one tiny bit of spotting about a week after that, so I got my hopes up). So when I got my period, I wasn’t so much surprised as I was fed the hell up. I was so upset because I’m tired of being upset and I’m tired of it not working and I’m tired of feeling I’m doing nothing right or good enough, I’m tired of thinking THIS is the snowflake that breaks the branch, I”m tired of thinking I’m struggling for something not meant to be. I was just tired.
I’m better now. I know what I’m not doing, how I’m keeping myself from embracing this practice even more (not getting enough sleep, not carving out time for me to do this, not catching my orphans before they toilet paper the entire orphanage, not making time to write). One Visionary action was me stepping away from Facebook for a while. It is like an orphan Red Bull: I cannot control them when they feed on that stuff. So I am backing off.
I suppose right now I’m feeling cranky and bitter and doubtful. I fight the orphan that whispers in my ear “You’ve already had your turn at the ice cream truck. Get the hell out of line and let the younger ones have their turn now. Don’t be so selfish. You’re too old for this kind of nonsense. You don’t belong here. Go eat a bran muffin and leave the sundaes for the ones who deserve them.” It’s pretty impossible to feel compassionate when you’ve got a big bitch hissing in your ear. I don’t want to love her. I want to kick her in the face.
I don’t doubt FH will make me a better person. I just fear the point of me doing all of this is to show me how to live a good life WITHOUT another child. In the end I know that’s a good thing. But right now, that thought terrifies me. It’s the same reason I won’t ask God to take away my longing for a child or give me one. I fear he will do the former.
Another good thing I discovered in my imagery is that I don’t just long to be pregnant. I want to hold and nurse that little baby, carry in in an Ergo Baby strapped to my chest, snuggle him up in the crook of my neck. That’s the image that hurts me. The pregnancy images don’t pierce me nearly as deep as the ones where I see myself on the couch, holding my baby and nursing him while my other kids coo and squabble over who gets to hold him next.
So, now we move forward. And I’m working on my blog. No more talk, only action. Another V step.
Happy Halloween, to all of my favorite fertile mamas.
Dear Butterflyfaith
I’ve just read your post and you could be describing my week. Tiredness is a constant with me and I find I am not leaving nearly enough time for myself – to sleep, read, do the imagery. There always seems to be books to mark, planning to do or something for someone else. I am slowly trying to pick out time in the day for myself but it is hard. You’re right about that monthly spark of hope – I try so hard to be realistic but the slightest change creates this sense of anticipation that is then shot down at the first sign of my period. The highs and lows are incredibly hard to deal with. I’ve fallen off the wagon a little in the last week in terms of FH – it’s hard not to give in. Reading these posts helps though as I can see that there are other potential mamas out there who are feeling some of the same things I am and the comments and advice help to create some perspective.
Good luck taking action.
Hi Megan:
I’m glad my post helped out a bit. Yours helped me too, when you said you were not a quitter. I realized I’m not one either, so I harnessed my “FU** IT” orphan. Instead of her saying “FU** IT” to trying, she’s saying “FU** IT” to all of the obstacles, defeat, loss and anxiety blocking my path. She’s pissed, in a good way. I figured, why not just turn this all around? I’m reading Fertile Female again and in one chapter Julia discusses a client who realized that going for broke and leaving it “all on the court” is what’s needed. I haven’t been doing that, so I said “FU** IT” and decided to go for it. Tomorrow I may stumble (probably will–I know yesterday I ate some mini donuts and didn’t take my vitamins, but today is better), but I figure if I can just keep my brain/soul engaged and moving forward instead of turning on itself and gnawing away like a crazed rat, I’ll be making progress. Hugs to you this week. We’re all in this together.
I’m a few days late checking in but have been faking it since our last call. My husband and I have been doing Meeting Your Child Halfway together each night before bed and I do it alone first thing in the morning. Having together and alone time has been powerful. The longing in my swirling globe of light has changed over the past week which has been interesting to watch.
I’ve been doubting my choice to push IVF back a month or two. Last night I had a dream in which I was joined by my maternal grandfather who told me it was going to be ok. He sat beside me exuding calm energy. When I woke that calmness has stayed with me and has continued to stick around all day. This was the first time my grandfather has come to me in a dream. It was doubly special because my son shared so many of my grandfather’s traits. In a very short dream I got to spend a bit of time with two cherished family members. Moments like that help a girl believe. :-)
Dear Megan, HeartWideOpen, Braveheart, Chopin, Gutsymama, Frida, Heartsease, Ruth Hegarty, ChoosingGrowthandVision, butterfyfaith, FearlessRose, and Moving forward,
Megan – Good luck faking it til you make it!
HeartWideOpen -Best wishes discovering and healing
Braveheart – Wonderful for feeling connected.
Chopin – wonderful image of your beautiful body and the golden light!
Gutsymama – I am sorry about the IVF not working. It is so wonderful that the OVUM practice says it’s OK to cry and also keep walking.
Frida – I’m sorry you’re feeling envy. Great for doing Field of Creation and the other visualizations.
Heartsease – Good luck on your AMH results and good luck journaling. I’m sorry you experienced so much illness.
Ruth Hegarty – That is the blessing of sharing here.
ChoosingGrowthandVision – Good luck with who is driving!
butterflyfaith – Good job of identifying orphans. I hope you’re doing better with the wagon.
FearlessRose – Great to be excited about the journey!
Moving forward – Wonderful success story. Best wishes for your older child.
I had trouble posting Monday so here is what was posted then. I have been doing the visualization Meeting Your Child Halfway and doing Welcome Home Body Truth. I am visualizing pregnancy and what I am wearing is usually a print dress. My mother is my helper and lately (she has passed away) she has been bringing me cream of broccoli soup and ginger bread. the obstacles are similar but now there is an added one of too much to do. sometimes I need a large crew of assistants to move these obstacles out of the way, but I have been keeping in mind even with the obstacles there I can still see the swirling ball of light. More recently I’ve been encountering my low self esteem orphan. She showed up when someone asked me to share my adoption story in written form to an undisclosed audience. I did not feel comfortable with that at all and all sorts of negative self talk appeared.
Blessings to all!
Thank you Gravid Sans Doute. I came back to these comments for some comfort in a difficult day, and it felt heartening to read your message to me. The hospital said they would post my AMH results to me on Weds, but after two anxious days waiting for the postman I called today and discovered they hadnt. I had even lined up a supportive friend to call when they arrived.
Sounds like you are doing some powerful visualisations. Sorry to hear of the low self esteem. I wonder if the orphan was saying something useful though, about sharing your story to an undisclosed audience. That’s obviously fine if you are called to do that, but everyone’s different and I hope your orphans will help you find guidance on that ..as they do on on other important matters in life!
Cheering you on heartily x
Hello
I thought I was doing well. I’ve made adjustments to my diet, work habits and am doing imagery exercises daily. I really had started to feel a little anticipation rising up again. But then, my period arrives and, like Butterflyfaith, the tantrum performing orphans turn up ten-fold and it gets harder and harder to deal with them with compassion. Doubt is such cruel thing. It creeps up and burrows in and then those nagging ‘you’re old’ voices take over.
But, I’m not a quitter, so tomorrow I’ll get up and put on my ‘faking it until I make it’ face and start all over again.
Thank you for your posts they help dispel some of the isolation of this journey.
Dear Fertile Mamas,
U;n just checking in briefly now and will write more later in the week.
I have been doing the visualization Meeting Your Child Halfway and doing Welcome Home Body Truth. I am visualizing pregnancy and what I am wearing is usually a print dress. My mother is my helper and lately (she has passed away). Lately she has been bringing me cream of broccoli soup and ginger bread. The obstacles are similar but now there is an added one of too much to do. Sometimes I need a large crew of assistants to move these obstacles out of the way, but I have been keeping in mind even with the obstacles there I can still see the swirling ball of light. More recently I’ve been encountering my low self esteem orphan. She showed up when someone asked me to share my adoption story in written form to an undisclosed audience. I did not feel comfortable with that at all and all sorts of negative self talk appeared.
Blessings to all.
Something Heartsease wrote – about it all feeling too painfully impossible to really connect with my longing- rings true for me. I could relate this to not just a longing for a child, but in how I can pursue things generally in my life. I sometimes have an apathy which I think is a combination of- I can’t have what I want, I don’t deserve joy, I have to work hard at this, etc- and not giving myself enough opportunities to express myself. The FH practice often helps me get in touch with different sides of myself, which I wouldn’t see otherwise.
I know that these issues would still be there even if I had a child, and my mission is to learn how to keep myself happier and more fulfilled regardless of my situation.
I’m really grateful to read everyone’s posts, they help motivate me xx
Dear Julia and fertile mamas,
Thank you very much for all the insightful comments which I read with great interest, think and reflect on them.
I don’t know what I would do, if I was not connected to the fertileheart community in that lonely journey I’m on. I know that I don’t write on the blog as much as I’d like and feel about things (probably an orphan is keeping back from doing this), but I feel, think and reflect on all the writings. Our community gives me strength and hope to move on, not only towards my second baby but towards life and work, which is very lonely. I definitely do not doubt the fact that the OVUM practice (at the extent to which I do it and doing it right) helps me to focus more on my inner self and unveil hidden aspects of myself. And the more I do it, the harder it gets.
Moving on to Julia’s question about the extent to which we live and love life and each other in the world with no guarantees, I would say that’s a big bet that we/I need to work on. Certainly, the challenges I’m facing they lead me to that direction, as there is no other choice. It might be that the challenge for a second child is there to teach me something….
With lots of love and care for all of you.
Dear all, dear Julia.
I write although I missed hearing your voices last week, with an orphan of shame sitting on my shoulder. Why did I travel during the time of call, if I wanted to articulate my desire out loud? And yes, absolutely, I see that this is not about becoming a mother, but a fuller human being who enjoys life to its fullest. I want to share with you my epiphany from last week, when in a hotel bathroom in Warsaw I saw myself in the mirror, naked, and I loved what I saw. The mirrors were giving a reflection of a beautiful female body with round contours and full shapes like a ripe fruit or a painting by Degas. I was shocked to see that it is me. I was looking at this woman in the mirror with delight.
What a discovery for me. Another orphan says This is too intimate, too plush to talk about, but here it is. In my imagery I don’t see a spot in my body that said that a pregnancy is not possible for me, and when I imagined a spot that said it is possible, I usually couldn’t see anywhere either. But this week, I saw a golden light coming from my throat, when the vocal cords are located.
Eva
I feel the doubt sometimes so heavily I wonder if I am battling against something that is not meant to come to fruition. I love the imagery and the work I have done so far. I see improvements and even feel stress levels that used to deplete me really hit an all time low. I changed jobs in this past year and I really believe the work I have done pointed me to this job to help me destress and have more time at home.
Then at times of deep grief I wonder if I am not meant to carry my own pregnancy. I look back of 5 years trying to become a mother and I have either lost all my pregnancies or ART does not work. I just tried IVF for the first time and it did not work. I feel like I am losing a battle or I am fighting against something that is not meant to happen. I realize that is an O speaking but it is a heart breaking O and she is hard to listen to without wearing me out. I do not feel drawn to adopt or use donor egg. I dont want to give up on my body. I know this practice can help me and I want to keep walking even if I am crying while I am walking.
Your words ring so true! I too battle that O belief that I may be fighting a losing battle as I strive to get something not meant to be. WIth each passing month and year, it seems to solidify that belief and it depresses me. Know you are not alone, and we’ll all be walking right there with you.
Hi Julia,
I am one of them, who beautifully misunderstood the previous article . Thank you for clarifying this, it is one of the reasons I’m often wondering if I’d have the possibility to fly to Woodstock, I’d better understand what is all about.
Currently I’m facing new orphans. Along with my diet change since 2 years ago, Imagery, following my instincts, as “Mowing forward” said before, not forcing things to happen by bowing to what is, following the good signs in my everyday life, understanding my body, a new orphan raised up who says: “See? You can be happy without your second child!”. Then, right away, I’m feeling envy, about my colleague who is 43 and just became pregnant without any special effort…
I’m doing “Field of creation” and “Ladder of light”, together with “Unconditional Gratitude”, a great combo for this moment of my life.
Love,
Frida
I think I should ask the question “what *don’t* I doubt?’ at the moment! Right now I am even doubting my longing. I have been here before, so have a hunch it just all feels too painfully impossible to really connect with my longing for a child. Without that though, engaging with the FH work, or my nutritional changes, seems really, really pointless. I almost can’t bring myself to write this comment …but I guess there’s a small flame somewhere out of sight that is still burning, and keeping my commitment to engaging.
I am still struggling to know how to distinguish between denial, and following a longing in a seemingly impossible situation, including one that is flying in the face of conventional medical opinion. Somewhere deep inside me, I am hearing a voice that this is not early menopause approaching, it’s a reversible imbalance of hormones that got triggered by stress and distress, and being in a relationship with a man who didn’t want children. However, I don’t know whether this is denial or insight, hanging onto a dream of how I saw my life turning out, or following a longing. Each time i get another test result, and the longer this hormonally disrupted state continues (2.5 years now), the more the menopausal diagnosis seems to be winning out, and the accusation of denial gets stronger.
I also have avoided tests, in case the certainty they suggest boxes me in to the menopausal outcome, when conventional medicine understands so little about menopause or fertility. However, I don’t know if this is denial at work, or a wisely protective UM keeping the dragons at bay so I can keep on this fertile hearted path. I am due an AMH result this week. I wasn’t going to do it, but got offered it free, and as I was feeling particularly low that day, I thought what the hell, I may as well know. However, I am now really anxious to find out what it is, as the last FSH result spun me into despair. Of course there is part of me that is hoping it will back up that voice that is telling me this isn’t early menopause, but a low result really threatens to silence that voice, and feed the doubt that makes the rest of it feel pointless.
I really resonate with what butterflyfaith says about the booby prize. I feel doubly pissed off with that thought, as I have spent so many years “working on myself” including recovery from more than a decade of debilitating illness. There’s an orphan in me that feels I deserve something to go according to my dreams now, and that I should really be able to ease off on bringing out the stronger, wiser, more grown-up part of myself. Will there ever be a point where I will I be able to just get off my case and put my feet up?!
I think that final question Julia poses is probably where it’s at for me at the moment, when my future feels particularly bleak: How do we live and love life, and each other, in the world of no guarantees? But first, I think I am going to sit with my FH journal and write down what I *don’t* doubt. Maybe I will find one thing! Maybe I will find more. Something to lean into, something to build on…
Thank you Julia, and everyone who has commented. I am in a particularly difficult and lonely part of my journey right now. It means a lot to me to read them. I hope persevering with the practice through this time will help my stronger, wiser and more joyful self guide me into the next phase. I do believe this work will give me the strength to turn things around.
Dear Julia and gorgeous Mamas
I am a recent success story and I wanted to share my thoughts with you all. I am glad Julia clarified the notions of doubt and belief and highlighted that in the last blog many of our responses perceived them as black and white to some extent. She is encouraging a broader understanding of what they actually mean to come away from the very rigid way of thinking that striving for one longed for goal will deliver all our happiness. I loved the way Julia has encouraged us to strive for a more fulfilled self, with work this is something that is guaranteed. This is a lovely thought.
I came across the Fertile Heart work when I was 43 and longing for a second child. I had only been trying for around 15 months after my first child but after a few medical appointments and a failed IVF, I was at an all time low. I berated myself and became best friends with a lot of orphans. In fact they were just hanging around me everyday. When I read Fertile Female, everything changed and I started on a more positive and deeper journey to meet my sweet baby. I changed my diet, listened to my instincts, started imagery and took part in one teleconference. I became pregnant 3 months after I read the book. My second baby girl was born a few weeks before I turned 44. I am still overjoyed and I know for certain that the emotional changes which helped drive the physiological changes helped me get pregnant. I have Julia to thank for that.
In that short period of really trying for a baby, I didn’t have time to doubt. I was just so busy immersing myself in the work. If time had gone on I know the emotional challenges would have been difficult. This blog reminds us that digging deeper beyond our desire can help bring a steadier more resilient self that can rise to those challenges and not let them ‘ swallow us whole’.
After my second daughter was born I faced a new challenge relating to my older child. This is the human painful journey I am on now. It feels similar to the short one that I was on before so I knew I had to revisit Julia’s work to help guide me through this pilgrimage. I now have doubt and belief in equal measures. This journey has no guarantees except that I will become stronger, happier and better equipped to live life to its fullest. That can only be a good thing.
Dear Julia, Thank you for clarifying the blog! Strangely, a few months ago, when I was at your workshop – I said that I was there to understand more about the practice and to clarify in my mind what it is all about. After the the workshop and your explanations and imagery and work with us all, I then realised that this is what it is all about: me living a better and more fulfilled happy and healthy life, healing & loving my Orphans, regardless of whether I have a second healthy baby. However, reading your blog above, I am now clearer than ever and thank you very much for clarifying it. As you say, the risk is to fall prey to the Orphan of Denial when we are on our journey. I am now on my path to find myself again, to love myself the way I am, and to live my own truth that makes sense to me – to live a fulfilled life, regardless of the outcome, as you say. My desire for a second baby is so strong and deepens all the time – and my Orphans often try to bring me into “the fold” and focus only on my desire to be united with our second baby! Today, after reading your blog here, I am going to remind my Orphans that we are healing and that if this journey results in a second baby, that would be amazing. What is even more amazing is if we can all live life together in a happy togetherness – living how we would like to live. Your imagery and body truths CDs, your books and especially the calls, give me so much support and strength to face the difficulties I encounter and help me in birthing my own next new self and to love me for who I am. Thank you very much dear fertile mummies, too. You are so insightful and truthful it makes my day every time I log on to the blogs!
I have been doing the Sacred Choices imagery as you suggested on our last call to find my spark. It seems I have a big Orphan of Resistance.. as so far, I am not finding or seeing many things right now. Or maybe I am clouded by my reluctant (and tired) Orphan, who is afraid to let me find my own path? my journey continues! I have to say, it is rather exciting to be on this journey!
With love and peace to all,
I thought I had crossed some kind of permanent threshold of belief after the all day workshop last month. I thought I could never go back to orphan living. Since then I’ve grown so much stronger in my commitments: diet, imagery, body truth, journaling, faith. However, in the last few days, as I was “triggered” by my perception that I’d conceived and once again “lost” the embryo (I’ve had two chemical pregnancies and one 6.5 week miscarriage in the last year and come to know what it feels like when progesterone drops and the pregnancy is on its way out), I was shocked to find my fearful, panicked, angry orphan completely “driving the car.” I was surprised to see how quickly I could fall into my obsessive, anxiety-laced-with-a-little-bitterness mode. I ate dairy, sugar and bread today and took a leftover progestin supplement. I couldn’t think of an imagery exercise that felt right. I was just off and anxious and downright mad all day.
All the while though – a little part of me was watching myself engage in these feelings and behaviors. This observing self was saying, “when you’re done with this state, you’re getting back on the horse, breathing deep and doubling down.” Now, as I sit here writing this response to the article about belief, which inspired me and reminded me of what needed to be done, I feel even more resolved to start fresh tomorrow with more deep work, more commitment, more exploration. My juicer is ready and my imagery CD will ride the NYC subway with me tomorrow. I will not let the orphans of fear and desperation dictate my behavior for another minute! Thank you Julia and thank you to all on the call last night. It’s an honor to be doing this incredibly difficult and valuable, life-giving work alongside you.
Oh, how I know that so well. I get set with a great practice, feeling strong and determined, chalking up insight after insight. And then I get my period or I”m about to start my period and within a blink, I am at the bottom of an orphan dog pile. How did that happen? It’s like I work for 8 hours to get strong and centered, and all it takes is 8 seconds for me to be well past where I started. I feel like an addict. It’s true that if an addict starts using again, she won’t gradually wind her way back down the road. She will almost immediately be worse off than she was when she got clean and sober. I feel that way: whenever I “fall off the wagon,” I wind up feeling worse in my orphan hell than I felt before. I need to learn how to reign that slide in before I hit bottom. It’s so hard, because I’m so good at falling. Doubt is so strong in me. I hear stories of people who try this program and get pregnant relatively quickly. Others who get pregnant after booking the workshop (and before attending). And my Doubt Orphan says “See? Works for others, but not you, because you’ve been doing it for 20 months and you are still falling back to square one. You are not doing it right.” I”m having such a rough weekend, but I”m not giving up yet.
Dear Julia, Mother2Be, and butterflyfaith,
Thank you all for being here.
Julia – absolutely fantastic teleconference.
Mother2Be – good to ask questions
butterflyfaith – Definitely you are hearing that orphan.
I am doing Meeting Your Child Halfway ask described on the teleconference and Welcome Home body truth.
One of the questions is How do we live and love life and each other in the world of no guarantees? I heard a psychiatrist on television give a good response to someone that said we can hide in the closet where it is safe and we will always be sad or we can get out of the closet take risks and at least be happy sometimes! Life is risky – very risky and interacting with other people is very risky too – as you say, Julia, in the human game.
In my Meeting Your Child Halfway imagery so far my longing is to be pregnant. One of the obstacles that shows up for me is my daughter’s emotional challenges. In my image she is blocking like you were blocking a basketball shot and kind of screaming in my face. To me it is so wonderful to slide this image to the left like an easy gliding patio door. I love that! Sometimes I need the whole helper crew to slide the door. My mom usually shows up to help me (she has now passed on) with something like a golden light. I don’t know what that is but I receive it. In the swirling ball I started seeing myself wearing a colorful flowered shirt, but now it is more of a royal blue dress and just today there was a lot of kissing and hugging with my husband in the swirling ball.
Blessings to all.
I find that I often doubt everything and then every once in a while there is a shining moment when I believe. So far that belief is quickly followed by more doubt. This process is truly a test. I’m looking forward to tonight’s call to discuss how others deal with the doubt and feeling like a yo-yo. Y’all teach me so much!
Once again, you hit the nail on the head, Julia. This is exactly what I needed to hear, even if I didn’t want to. A large part of me understands and embraces that THIS is the reason for Fertile Heart—to birth this amazing life and self. Babies are a lovely side effect, not the main result of this practice. And there are no guarantees. But there’s another part of me, that Tantrum Orphan, who is stomping her feet, throwing her food on the floor, crossing her arms, sticking her bottom lip out and screaming “I don’t want to be a better person. I just want a baby! I don’t care about being fulfilled in any other way except for having another child. Who cares about being better? That’s not possible if I can’t have a baby. This is all just a big booby prize. I can’t win the grand prize so I have to be happy with a stupid t-shirt and ‘thanks for playing’ sticker.” Yep. Orphan all the way. I see that, but I still feel it. Can’t wait to talk more about doubt in tonight’s call.