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After 3 Years of Trying to Get Pregnant, 3 Things that Made a Difference

By on October 9, 2014

3 Keys to this pregnancy

I am 8 weeks pregnant after nearly 3 years of trying and I believe the keys to this pregnancy were 3 things that I got to heal with the help of the Fertile Heart OVUM Practice:

1) rekindling my belief in myself and the  belief that I could get pregnant naturallyBeepregnantfertileheart

2) finding and owning my longing for a child – MY child

3) repairing my relationship with my husband; his fear manifested itself in believing in and frequently reminding me of the ‘old egg theory,’ wanting to do IVF as soon as possible, in telling me that I never follow doctors’ advice, that I self-diagnose; my fear manifested itself in telling myself I’d be fine if I didn’t have kids and in running away from doctors who made me feel inadequate with their long list of physical things that apparently weren’t right with me, in emotionally running away from my husband who I felt at times was persecuting me with his constant pessimism and each new insistence on a further consultation with a new doctor, a new ‘”authority”.

 Endo, Cysts, Low AMH…

I don’t think the physical things mattered in the end (“severe” endometriosis, endometrial cysts blocking follicles, borderline critically low AMH, subseptate uterus, short menstrual cycle, small fibroid, thyroid autoimmune antibodies, etc)

Rather, it was the mind that shifted the physical. When I was given a disastrous low AMH reading in September this year, we hit rock bottom. I was told to do IVF as soon as possible, with my next cycle, but i was so freaked out my period arrived 2 days later and I was in no state to start. The doctor had made a big performance of telling me she was downgrading my chances in the light of this new reading, which to me seemed like she was saying ‘here’s your opportunity to get thousands of pounds and burn them to nothing’. I felt like suddenly a gun had been put to my head with a ‘”get pregnant now”‘ ultimatum in it.

 Following through in spite of obstacles

I found the Fertile Heart site that weekend. I ordered all the books and CDs. They arrived and finally someone was addressing that which no-one else had attempted to address despite ££££s in medical and alternative medicine fees. My heart and emotions. I shifted my work schedule and booked myself on a trip to Woodstock; despite the best attempts of a Hurricane to wreck my journey, I managed to attend.cds

Through Julia’s work,  I discovered I’d been living out my Orphans and that my husband & I had had an Orphan to Orphan relationship. I spent time connecting with my longing for a child, realising that I had to own the longing to be able to make sensible decisions, or to withstand medical treatment – it was no good not even daring to hope for children in case I was disappointed.

 Fertile couplehood

Slowly  I got my husband and I to start having conversations from the UM perspective (this was very painful at first). One night, we began to share childhood memories and he suddenly opened up about his family and his parents’ response to an elder sister he never met because she died two days after birth. It became clear to me that his catastrophising about not having children was linked to his having grown up in a family coming to terms with (or rather not coming to terms with)the loss of a child. From this moment, I was filled with compassion for him and his family as I discovered his orphans around not having children; before that, I had just felt stranded by what I saw as his lack of support and his over reaction.

 Practice, practice, practice

I did Fertile Heart Body Truth and imagery work twice a day, sometimes repeating them for 45 minutes at a time. I went to a craniosacral therapist to help nurture myself back to strength (I would recommend…much better than acupuncture – i told her about the imagery work and she worked with me on them) and I dosed myself with vitamin D, iron (both low) and took repeat AMH blood tests. I also ate a lot of chocolate almond cake as I’d become very skinny – of course this contradicted every fertility diet, but in an attempt to sort my digestion I’d become afraid to eat and something needed to be done about it. With each test my AMH level went up until the last test at the beginning of December showed it was back where it was last January. We went back to the clinic in early December. Though I had developed this passionate longing to get pregnant naturally in September, I realized afterwards that it was partly an orphan fuelled ‘f*** you doctors! How dare you tell me what I can or can’t do!’ After connecting with my longing, I worked hard to see doctors as a resource (but not an authority) that could help me meet my child halfway.

 Does this Fertile Heart stuff really work?

I was meant to start IVF with my next cycle, but my next cycle never came. January 1st no period, January 1st a positive indicator on the pee-stick. I’m actually a bit weirded out because I know that I willed this to happen. I became utterly convinced that I would be pregnant soon and through that, it seems I am (I did a lot of Jailbreak, Mirror of Truth and Issues in Your Tissues from the Fertile Heart Imagery 2 CD and and Defend and Receive from the Body Truth CD) When Julia told us in a phone circle before Christmas of 2 former circle members who were pregnant, I thought ‘great, this Fertile Heart stuff really works’ and ‘that’ll be me soon too’: somehow my jealous orphans didn’t come out as I was convinced it could happen to me too – that if it happened to others it could happen to all of us no matter how supposedly unlikely.

Choosing the road

Unexplained-Infertility- Success- Story

Through Julia’s work, I discovered I’d been living out my Orphans and that my husband & I had had an Orphan to Orphan relationship

It’s very early days yet and with a pregnancy a whole bunch of new Orphans have joined the fray; it’s 3 years now since my first pregnancy (ended at 6 weeks), but I’m still doing imagery work – I’ve been doing lots of 3 Steps Forward, from the Fertile Heart Imagery One CD, & 9 Hearts (Imagery 2 CD) but just recently I’ve switched to The Playground also on CD One, as I want to dare to feel longing. I first started thinking ‘oh 1st trimester is so difficult because you have what you want dangled in front of you and it can be taken away at any time…’ but then I remembered that a friend told me you then worry about the next trimester and then the birth, and then growing up, school, university etc, etc.

If you let yourself go down that route, parenthood, that thing we seek to make us happy, instead becomes one ceaseless worry.

So I’ve been remembering what Julia said to me when I told her I was pregnant and anxious: that Patience and Faith are two good friends.

The cultivating of faith was perhaps the most important step in my getting pregnant: I’ll have to cultivate it further for the rest of this journey and beyond. Meanwhile dear ladies, think about this: i believe the Fertile Heart Ovum Practice and a commitment to nurturing yourself through it really works and this can be you next. Somehow, some way, a snowflake at a time, we can all have the family we dream of.

Love and happiness to you all,

Bee

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47 Responses to “After 3 Years of Trying to Get Pregnant, 3 Things that Made a Difference”

  1. FionaC says:

    Dear Bee, Thank you very much for sharing your inspiring story! I have been diagnosed with low AMH, endometriosis (I am guessing, post-operative) and all sorts of other conditions such as “old eggs” etc. I have a beautiful little girl, who is 3 and a half. I have been trying to conceive a second baby for nearly 2 and a half years now, which has been very dispiriting and sometimes very difficult. I am so inspired to read your experience and, at a time when I was at a very low point, it helped me get back to focusing on my imagery and trusting myself again. I am often told I am stubborn and that I don’t do anything the “usual way”, so it gave me hope to read your story as I had been feeling very alone. I am back, stronger and happier, doing my imagery and body truths, guided by my UM, and getting in touch with my Visionary to take my next steps in my baby journey. Thank you again (and to Julia, of course!) for inspiring me to continue on. Many blessings and much happiness on your journey and pregnancy. Fx

  2. Tania says:

    I just started up again on the Visionary Mamas calls last night. Thanks for a great call, Julia and all. What strikes me about this article is when she said “I became utterly convinced that I would be pregnant soon”. Lately I’ve been finding myself feel very discouraged and trying to find that place again of hope and faith. December 30th will make 2 years since our last miscarriage (and we had one 4 months before that as well). Since the miscarriages, I’ve been on the most incredible healing journey. Healing grief I didn’t know was there, growing more and more of my visionary self in all areas of my life, changing my relationship with my mother, and stepping more fully in my creative work pursuits. I’ve been doing FH work for over a year- maybe a year and a half. Though there have been weeks at a time when I’ve stopped, feeling too discouraged. It seems like the 3 month mark for me is where I start to lose faith. And especially around my period “inconsistencies”. In fact, though I feel I have “hit rock bottom” so to speak so many times through this process, I am now wondering if I might be there again. Day 56 of my cycle with no period- and yes, I allowed myself to take yet another pee stick test and deal with the difficult emotions again of nothing there.

    In fact, through these past 2 years, I have watched my once “normal” cycle go to a range of day 19-47 (with this month being my longest). And my once “normal” periods, drop to (last month) once day. I turned 43 in August. And what I am most surprised by is that other than the stress of this fertility process- which I don’t discount at all and definitely feel, I feel more alive and fertile than ever. Eatting so healthily, feel so embodied, so much clearer than ever before- and still feel very fertile. But it really has been interesting watching even amidst all I’m doing (diet, imagery, other home practices, acupuncture, chiropractic care, taking vitex and blue green algae), that my cycles have been becoming more and more infrequent. As if “no matter what I do its already decided.” Just like the 2 rounds of chlomid I took- where I didn’t even ovulate.

    So- in comes my next challenge I suppose or challenges. Last night on the call, when we did the Mosaic of Revelations, I saw on the tile a little girl who was receiving a gift. But she felt like it wasn’t enough. And in that image I remembered that feeling. Like nothing I got was good enough because what I really wanted- intimacy, connection, feeling good about myself, love- I couldn’t find. I felt superficial in my home somehow, like I was living a superficial life because I couldn’t really connect and had to pretend that what I got was really what I wanted.

    In the exercise, once we wiped the tile away, I say myself with my son (4 years old) and husband and possibly another child, and I was just standing there receiving them. I was laughing, smiling and felt so grounded and authentic in my life. I want to explore this awareness a bit deeper.

    Lastly, the other aspect of this journey that has been coming up for me lately- big time, is connected to “why have hope”.

    When I was 4, my dad left, and my parents “separated”. What was weird though is they never talked about it with us. And my dad left most of his stuff at the house. In fact, up until I was 18, it was never discussed and was always this elusive belief that he might come back. We saw him on weekends and stuff, but it was never talked about. It was like it was a temporary thing. Well, he never came back. And there is something in me still healing from that. The confusion of that, the disbelief in that- like why have hope he is going to come back when he is not. Snapshot to my current situation- why have hope that a baby is coming “when they are not”- at least right now.

    This was what struck me about this article. Her faith and commitment. In these past two years I feel like I’ve had that resolute clarity a number of times- but it seems conditional. And now, on the longest cycle of my life and unsure what’s next, my orphans are screaming- what’s the point of having faith- why set yourself up for more disappointment. And yet- here I am, writing on this blog, and this morning doing my FH practice, and last night on the call, and today in my Fork in the Road Imagery- I was walking and then running up steep stairs to meet my child. More to come…

    Thanks for listening. I apologize for not commenting more on others posts. My new commitment is to at least post on the Blog once a day- starting today. Hoping that as this gets into a follow I can also find time to read (I find a logistical issue because I don’t have a computer in the main living space of our home and only come up into the office when my son is napping or sleeping) and comment on others posts. So amazing to hear and be witness to so many incredible courageous moms out there. Thanks again!

  3. heather says:

    I found out that I was pregnant after trying for thirteen years (naturally). After 3 months I was told the I was pregnant with my second child. I believe that one will conceive when your time is right. I forty when my first child was born.
    stay strong and never give up

  4. Vee says:

    What a wonderful post. I get something new out of it every time I read it. Thank you for sharing, Bee.

  5. Eva says:

    Dear Bee,

    I am so happy you wrote about your experience, in fact, I printed your letter and have been carrying it with me since you sent it last January. It brought tears to my eyes to see myself in your story. I too, was on the circle before last Christmas when Julia mentioned two other women got pregnant, and had a similar reaction – it could be me next! The atmosphere was pregnant. All three of your points resonate with me, the belief I can get pregnant naturally, long for MY child and repairing how my husband and I relate. I, too, was emotionally running away from him and he from me. Since his second chemotherapy this year, he has not recovered him sperm yet, and we don’t know if he will. The doc says we should do ivf with the sperm he left before the treatment. I am wary of starting to work with yet another medical team, after spending almost the entire last year in consultations with his oncologists and enjoy the time outside of medical world. He too, started to share his childhood memories he hadn’t shared with me before, his younger sister died of sids as a baby, so his family put this trauma on his shoulders, since he was the only one who met her, his parents adopted Kate and had twins later on. After Julia died, they were devastated, and he witnessed all of it, and as a small boy he probably thought he killed her. I too, found a craniosacral therapist who made me feel as though I was learning how to walk again, even my voice lowered after his session. I, too, commit to nurturing myself, and cultivate faith that I can nurture not only myself but a child within until the birth. That the orphan who says there can only be one good thing, your husband survives or the child survives, is slowly getting the attention she deserves and becoming less loud as she starts to believe that both my husband and our child can live instead of either-or reality, there is space for all of us. Having a child won’t kill anyone, my mother, my husband not even myself.

  6. pineapple says:

    I feel this is one of the best posts I’ve ever read and it actually brought tears to my eyes with its honesty and openness. Amongst all Bee has said, of which I can relate to everything, realising there can be such a thing as ‘orphan’ to ‘orphan’ has somehow given me the permission I needed to address some rather deep rooted ‘orphans’, ones which have been screaming their head’s off but were being stifled ‘out of sight and mind’. I’m finding my dreams are offering me guidance in a way I never imagined possible, as both questions and answers, and I’m then trying to choose tools to support me with what I learn. I’m finding it is hard work and it is time consuming but I realise what I was doing before wasn’t engaging me properly or that I wasn’t doing justice to the process. Now if I think my mind is wondering during an imagery exercise I do it again! Well done Bee – you’re such an inspiration to all of us.

  7. Openheaeted says:

    What is it that I need to follow through on!?!

    1) I took a break and my imagery slipped a little so I am making a visionary choice start following through on imagery at least one twice a day!
    2) Sara and M I could not agree more with being truthful in my relationships. My spouse and I tend to have orphan to orphan talk when we both feel pulled in life’s chaos. I know we would both feel more connected some days if we just took the time to express hey I’m tired or I just need some quiet! Were both conflict avoiders! Also my family can be a mess. I have taken to humor or true visionary statements which have really helped lighten the load.
    3) ultimately hearing that voice that knows what is right and following that not the opinions from others or orphan fears. Still an evolving process!
    Thank You Bee

  8. AnnabelL says:

    Thank you so much Bee for sharing your inspiring story. I really appreciate and feel supported by such stories. A few things, in particular, resonated:

    It reminded me of my own ‘f**k you’ (to the doctors) orphan and how I want to prove them wrong. And how what frustrates me about conventional medicine is not the medical techniques themselves – I believe we are so lucky to live at a time when we have access to such a wide range of tools to support us – but the attitude of the doctors who, in my experience, are generally narrow-minded, believing anything outside their own field and scope is not of value.It also reminded me of my ‘I’ll be ok if I don’t have kids’ orphan, which relates to that part of me which sometimes steps back from going for what I really want because it’s too much hard work and too risky to really go for it, and I will be fine living life at half mast. And reading about what you did I noticed myself thinking ‘oh maybe I should try exactly that too, as perhaps that’s the winning formula.’ With this I was able to catch myself almost instantly and remind myself that this whole journey is exactly not about what worked for someone else and trying to emulate it. That it’s the opposite, about learning what works for me and remembering that I am utterly unique, as is everyone else. This for me is a hard part of the journey, as we are so conditioned to turn to others, to ‘higher’ authority for advice and not listen to ourselves. But this is also perhaps one of the most valuable parts of the journey, not just for baby-making but for the whole of life and one of the many things that I am very grateful to Julia for offering.

    Bee, I wish you all the best on your journey.

    Annabel x

  9. Lulu says:

    Reading this post gave me so much hope that all this can happen to me again despite any doubts, hesitations and bad days. I feel stronger and stronger in my daily food adjustments and imaginary exercises and I am getting to the stage where all this is a pleasure, a point of reference and security rather than a chore. When I start wondering whether I may be fooling myself, I try to remember that practice, practice and practice will be rewarded as it has been for Bee and many others. Thanks again for sharing your story!

  10. Chiam says:

    Dear Bee

    Thank you for posting your story. I found it both inspiring and challenging.

    Whilst reading the post I realised why I have struggled recently with the regularity of my practice. I remember being on a call some time ago and we were talking about rekindling the excitement in our sex lives and one of the Fertile Mamas on the call said that she felt like having sex at the “right time” was like sitting an exam that she has failed 1,000 times. I have realised that I feel like this about my practice. I have been doing the practice for over 2 years and Bee’s story makes me feel like I am falling short, failing and need to try harder. It is clear to me that this is where I need to focus my attention.

    My husband and I are considering egg donation and I have been seeing a counsellor who was recommended by our Professor to help us work through the issues that this brings up. It has been very useful and also exhausting. It has certainly helped us to relate to one another and make some decisions about our lives moving forward such as selling our house and moving so that we can reduce our outgoings and I can work less.

    Reading Bee’s story reinforces the question that I come back to time and time again, which relates to whether a natural pregnancy is a real possibility at my age (46 in December) and if not, how do I know that it is time to move on?

    I sincerely wish Bee every happiness. Thank you for helping me with another realisation.

    Take care. Love, Esther xx

  11. Sarah says:

    Congratulations, Bee, and thank you for taking the time to write this post – it was a generous and loving thing to do. I found it heartening and thought-provoking.

    What am I following through on?

    1. Practising my imagery and body truth. It’s taken me time to get here. When I bought Julia’s books and cds the Summer before last I immediately found the exercises helpful at times of extreme anguish and pain – when the orphans were really laying siege – in beating them back down. Then, when I started to feel better, I would leave the exercises behind.

    The shift for me was when I started to see the exercises, not only as a way of understanding, recognising and coping with my orphans, but as a way of leading me to, or engendering in me, a more contented, balanced, open-hearted and fertile state – I think this is what Julia means by a visionary mum. At the same time I found I had developed a real core faith in myself that I will be a mother (so much so that I can catch myself thinking ‘why are you so happy you still haven’t got a baby’).

    Bee’s words – a “commitment to nurturing yourself” and “cultivating faith” – really sums it up for me.

    2. Trying to live my life with more joy. I’ve stopped putting things off, depriving myself of things until after I have had a baby – but while I (currently) feel steady, even good, I always feel a bit subdued, a bit introspective, a bit apart from others. I need to find a way to turn up the volume, to live more fully, more openly.

    3. Being truthful in my relationships: I found what you and Ruth wrote about your relationships with your husbands very interesting. While I feel that I have done good work this year on my relationship with my sister (she is 5 years younger than me at 36 and has a one-year-old), reading your posts has made me conscious that my relationship with my husband descends at times to ‘orphan to orphan’, particularly around the pressure-ful ovulation time, and that we need to be more attentive to this.

    Love and happiness to all

  12. Liz1 says:

    An inspiring phrase in this post for me is “a commitment to nurturing yourself” through the Fertile Heart Ovum Practice.

    I can so relate to response by findingfaith21 re. what’s behind not feeling fully engaged in the work. I too feel deep down that I don’t deserve to realise this dream…that it’s something for other people to have… But I do the work anyway, because I do believe that it is a tool for me to heal myself, to be a happier and more fulfilled me, and for relationships in my life to reflect this too. And maybe by continuing to do the practice, I will allow myself to believe that even more is possible.

    So is there something I need to follow through on at this point in my journey? Yes…it’s using the clues I get from the imagery work about things which are important for me to have more of in my life, such as being in nature, and being creative… I have started blocking out time in my diary each day for “time out”. It doesn’t always work out, but at least if I set that as my intention, it’s got a bigger chance of happening. Otherwise the orphans in me who need to do their best…achieve…worry about other people…are running the day.

    This feels like an important step towards making space for something new…whatever that may be…

    Wishing everyone well, and thank you so much Bee for sharing your story.

  13. Heather says:

    I have read and re-read this post several times and what continues to resonate with me is having faith and patience. This is what I need to follow through on. I make body changes, life style changes but I still lack faith and patience with myself.

    I can say with all certainty that I believe all the lovely ladies on FH will hold their babies in their arms someday and I have faith in that belief. But when it comes to myself I can’t say that.

    My self esteem has been an orphan I have wrestled with since high school. I am not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not lucky enough, yada yada yada… so of course I would struggle with getting pregnant my orphan would say.

    I find myself leaning on the faith of others on my journey, whether it is my friends, family, acupuncturist, massage therapist, my Ob-Gyn. I am finding snowflakes in hearing that others have struggled with the same issue and have persevered. Posts like these help re-affirm that I am on the right path but I just need to appreciate the journey and not the outcome.

  14. Feather says:

    I related to Bee’s story in so many ways. I’m happy to say that I’m also newly pregnant (7 weeks). We’d been trying for more than a year since I had my first miscarriage, which was at about 8 weeks.

    While I’m thrilled that I was able to conceive – and that it happened in a beautiful way just around the same time that I went to Julia’s workshop, I also find myself still struggling with similar orphans now that I’m pregnant. I’ve been going through fearful moments as I get close to 8 weeks, and sometimes intense memories of my miscarriage haunt me. I’ve found that part of me is detached a bit, not really ready to embrace this pregnancy yet or even fully believe that it is real – even though I have symptoms that I did not have the first time (like nausea and exhaustion).

    I believe what I need to follow through on right now is to keep connecting with my longing for a child. As Bee writes, you must own the longing to be able to make sensible, and true, decisions for yourself. I got to practice this learning before, during the workshop especially, when with Julia’s help I finally connected and owned my longing not just to be a mom but to give birth to my biological child.

    The challenge now that I’m in the early stages of pregnancy, still far from the safe zone, is to own and embrace the longing – and also to celebrate having conceived and gotten this far in my journey! – while also working through the fears and worries without letting them take over me. I’ve always appreciated Julia’s insistence against “positive thinking” as a superficial mechanism that doesn’t drop down into the essence of things. It doesn’t work for me to slap on positive thinking to get through this first trimester. But what does resonate with me is the reminder that Patience and Faith are good friends.

    Faith was also an important part of getting pregnant for me. Each step I took in educating myself, looking for clues, incorporating changes into my life, and opening up to the help offered in Julia’s tools and this Fertile Heart community were all acts of faith. The journey’s greatest gift to me was also about bringing Faith into my life. This conception and all the little steps of letting go and receiving moments of grace that conspired to bring it about…it has offered me a personal experience of faith that I’ve never had in my life until now.

    So the work before me is to follow through on taking care of myself, and continuing to discover and practice the Fertile Heart way for myself on this new journey of pregnancy.

  15. MMG says:

    Thank you for sharing Bee. Your story inspires and reminds me that we are not alone on this journey. I imagined how this moment would be different if you didn’t share and it made me sad to think that it would have been a lost opportunity for all of us. I have been resistant to sharing. The one thing I need to follow through on at this point in my journey is to fully commit to this practice with an open heart. To allow myself to be seen and allow people in. The fertile heart couple-hood section of your post really resounded with me Bee. I have been feeling a bit stranded by my husband as well. Monday night after our Visionary Group call, I decided to share more about my experiences with the Fertile Heart Ovum Practice with my husband.(Thanks to Katy from the Mamas group for her inspired sharing!!) I have assumed up until this point that my husband would not have the attention span or that he would not be interested or that this work was to “out there” for him. Randomly, on Tuesday night, I asked if he would be willing to do some imagery work with me and he said “yes” without hesitation or a hint of sarcasm and in the next moment we are breathing out 3x together. He was seriously breathing out and I was seriously in shock and falling in love with him again. We started with the Claiming Your Inheritance imagery and I was wanting to play the Pilgrims Road but the mysterious way prevailed. I was concerned because my husbands father died tragically ten years ago and my husband tends to keep that emotionally stored away and I was wondering if he would see his father but I got back to my breath somehow. My husband said after we opened our eyes “no one gave me anything” and I shared with him that “when I did the imagery last night some random woman reached through the crowd and gave me a tiny blue button with a bit of string still in it!” and he squeezed my hand. We then did the Pilgrims Road imagery and he said “I see a yellow brick road” and then after the exercise he said “Honey, this is a little out there for me, but I am glad you are doing this imagery and its helping you.” This did not trigger me. I was grateful for the opening and the understanding that this moment occurred because I was willing to let him in. Today, I asked him about his father and what made him laugh because I want to bring him more present in our lives and to open up that channel of communication. I received an e-mail from Julia about this post and the subject line of her e-mail read “follow, follow, follow through” (and I thought…yes, follow on that yellow brick road). I intend to re-read your post many times over Bee, incorporate your 3 things that made a difference into my practice and follow through on remaining open throughout this journey even though my heart might feel like it is breaking or that I might appear crazy for wanting what I want at this stage of my life. I want to begin and continue to begin again to allow people in with open arms. Continued blessings on your journey Bee and thank you for sharing.

    • M., how wonderful that you’re opening up about the work to your husband. Perhaps, sharing the Image by Image chapter in the FF with him, which includes a study of a Harvard researcher, might make the work appear less “out there” for him. Or perhaps watching the Fertility Success Stories video might be good as well. Thank you for this thoughtful, tenderhearted comment.

  16. Frida says:

    Very inspiring post and very interesting the part with “I don’t think the physical things mattered in the end “.
    Regarding the question “Is there something I need to follow through on in this point in my journey” , I know that I need to follow the path of having faith that my baby will come to me soon, that getting pregnant naturally last month, at 44, is a good sign even it was a chemical pregnancy that; it showed me that it is possible. I am lucky because my doctor is encouraging me to try further, he never told me that it’s not possible for me to get pregnant, he exposed me all the choices I have, and let me chose what I want. I am playing around with the idea of natural cycle IVF, due to the fact that my partner is working at 370 km far from here, and we are meeting mostly in weekends. I thing I will start it next month.
    I also need to follow doing Imagery, especially working with a brand new orphan, a very strong one. Juicing every day helps me very much, I didn’t have a flue since I started doing this (more than 1 year).

    Thanks,

    Frida

  17. Bailey930 says:

    What I need to follow through on ….and this might seem obvious….but it’s how I feel….is going ahead and trying again to get pregnant. After so much pain from loss, you almost get stuck in a paralysis of wanting to continue to analyze the situation And see one more doctor or try one more thing, just to try and make absolutely sure you’re not missing anything and that this next time will work. There is almost a safety to staying in that place, because you can’t be hurt more there. But at some point you have to decide it’s time to try again. And this month is that time for me. To follow the visionary part if myself and to continue to walk towards this child.

  18. Tracy says:

    Congratulations, Bee! Julia told me the same thing about faith and patience when I was newly pregnant. So very happy for you. Wishing you a beautiful pregnancy and delivery

  19. findingfaith21 says:

    What do I need to follow through on? Great question.

    1. My writing. I have not written much at all since the miscarriage more than 18 months ago. And I’ve been feeling horrid since then. Connection? So then what’s stopping me?

    2. Being engaged and not just present. I show up, but does my whole Human Loaf show up and participate? Not usually. Again, why?

    All I can think of is that I don’t truly believe this program will work for me or that I am deserving of another blessing. I know that’s an orphan, but it’s there. I just don’t know why I am not really doing the work. I am so engaged on the calls and I do my imagery and Body Truth, but I wonder if I’m just going though the motions. I wonder if I’m the student who comes to class and doesn’t turn in homework or read the required assignments in the text. And then gets pissed off she got a D in the class. So what do I need to address, what thinking do I need to change, to just try 110%?

  20. Lori says:

    What do I need to follow through on?… getting healthy. I just bought a Vitamix and received my herbs from Mountain Rose so I ‘m very, very excited to start using them this weekend. I find I actually crave juices now and can’t wait to experiment!

  21. Katy says:

    Thinking of the question “Is there something I need to follow through on in this point in my journey” Mine is to continue to share this journey with my husband. I did not realize I was even trying to take this on myself and until very recently did I think to ask him to join along. I need to continue to follow through on this.. the both of us do.

  22. RachelSF says:

    I resonated with the point about wanting to get pregnant naturally to prove it to the doctors that don’t believe it’s possible for me. Reading your article reminded me that that is from an orphan place. And, one of the things I need to follow through on is not letting that ‘f-you’ part of me drive decisions that might be best for my family. I totally believe I can get pregnant naturally, but that doesn’t mean I should never go back to an RE clinic, especially if that is coming from an orphan-led place. My husband and I keep getting to a deeper place in this journey, and I have noticed that my UM shows up a lot more now in difficult conversations, especially about him having his own journey, that is not the same as mine and that I do NOT control. It was a good reminder about the power of meeting with the UMs.

  23. Robin says:

    Wonderful and congratulations,Bee. Thank you so much for sharing your story!

    I like that you said all the physical things you don’t think mattered in the end. I also liked the 3 things that helped idea and that you repaired/strengthened your relationship with your husband.

    Is there something I need to follow through on at this point in my journey? That’s the question to answer. I liked the part where you could worry all the way through your child’s life. I relate to that a lot. Then we miss the joy. This may not be the absolute answer for me, but what rises up is following through on not going off on tangents – using up time on topics that really don’t need my attention and certainly don’t matter to me. Also bedtime – I need to follow through more there, even when my orphan says it won’t make a difference or that’s boring?? I have been doing at least a little of the Current of Creation Fertile Heart body truth and Sacred Choices Fertile Heart Imagery from Imagery I. It seems I often find myself in dreary land – why not enjoy.

    Blessings to all.

    • findingfaith21 says:

      Robin, I totally agree! I go off on tangents all the time. Facebook, anyone? I waste so much time and energy on social media and other stuff that in the long run means nothing to my life. I should dial that back a lot.

  24. BigHeartMomma says:

    Thank you. This is a very inspiring post. Your dedication and consequence are a great example and inspiration. I am working with Fertile Heart programme for few weeks now. That post really made a difference for me, it is my story, just no happy end.. yet ;)

    It is amazing how many orphans appeared once I have created a loving and safe space.
    I know well the “fuck you doctors” orphan. But inviting the image of helpful doctors, as supporters in the “Circle of protection ” and “Meeting your child halfway” helped to relese the tension.
    I discovered lately that my biggest challenge on this path is to actually feel and believe that I can create a happy family, that I deserve it, and that I have so much to offer. Not only as a lover, friend, travel companion, or professional business person. I have so much to offer as a wife and mom. Seeing this fully, still requires an effort. But I am much calmer, since I started working with this one.
    The third orphan I am struggling with is leting go of control. Accepting that the reality is not always as I would expect. The number of actions I can take, doctors I can visit, diets I can try, is limited and the moment comes that the only other thing is to pray, surrender and follow my UM. Accepting that it is possible that I might not get pregnant naturally, that the pregnancy, if it happens might not be as medicine free, as I would imagine… It was such a painful path for me. Embracing IVF as our ally on the path to building a family, not a punishement? It took me long weeks.

    Tommorow I am starting my first IVF cycle. I am not scared or angry anymore. Just calm, curious, and happy to see this one more snowflake coming.
    I believe that this shift in me happened thanks to Fertile Heart tools.
    I am ready to meet the unknown.

    • Congratulations on starting your IVF A.! Very exciting. This is a beautiful time to use the tools and allow yourself to receive everything that’s rising up as guidance and a source of emotional, physical, spiritual nourishment.

  25. Veronica says:

    Bee, thank you for posting this.

    I read and re-read it since it was posted. I thought to myself, “how can I contribute to anything close to this?”

    I thought of one thing that’s made a difference after all these years of trying-giving myself time to get there, half way. Even though I want a baby yesterday, sometimes it takes time to get to where I need to go. I think I was feeling pressured from time and seeing others become pregnant seemingly overnight, well, that’s not me yet and it’s ok that’s it’s not me. There’s still something I need to do and I need to give myself the space to find what that is, so I can continue to move forward.

  26. Tanya says:

    I relate to so very many things in Bee’s story and in the posts of all the mammas. I think the one thing that resonated with me most was Bee’s BURNING desire to conceive naturally and say “f*ck you doctors”!! I have been feeling this for a long, long, long time. In between every IVF cycle, I’ve wished and hoped and prayed that I could be that person we all hear about that conceives naturally and never, ever has to go through an IVF cycle ever again. And it’s been difficult coming to terms with the fact that this is an orphan rooted feeling, coming from my Tanya the “tough shit” warrior place. And I too have been trying to focus on following the visionary inside me that sees and treats these doctors as “tools” to address the parts of my “diagnosis” that I agree with and choose to address.

    I also constantly struggle with my “isolation” orphan that tends to run away and shut people out when things aren’t going well on this journey towards my child, because she (also a perfectionist orphan) is embarrassed that she can’t find a way to get this done. It’s hard for me to make myself vulnerable. But I am trying.

  27. Ruth Hegarty says:

    Bee, I thought your expression “orphan to orphan relationship” was a very intelligent way of articulating the breakdown in communication that can happen in a relationship on this journey. After 5 1/2 years of trying to conceive, the pain and disappointment between my husband and I sometimes feels insurmountable. All too often we allow our orphans to not only do the talking, but control our whole way of being together. We have some big decisions to make soon (not about fertility treatment) and they need to be guided by an UM perspective. I need to make sure that our decisions reflect what is in my best interests, without recourse to orphan related behaviours to communicate my needs.

    One thing that is really helping to guide me at the moment is to consider the things that I have already followed through on. I attended the workshop in Woodstock in June, quite literally trembling with fear. I arrived full to the brim with grief that I was allowing to rip my heart into small pieces. The only way I can describe it is to say that I returned home whole again, with belief in myself. Crucially I came home with the ability to move forward with EVERY part of me: the grief, the joy, the longing, the despair, the hope. I am learning to stop dividing myself up.

    So what I need to follow through on now is working with my husband to heal our marriage. Fear, and probably most specifically fear of uncertainty that manifests itself as orphan to orphan communication is what is stopping us from doing so. However; what I have learned from the things that I have already followed through on is that the only way to do this is to be extremely kind and gentle with myself, and to start there. Before I went to Woodstock I saw the Fertile Heart tools as sometimes shining a torch light on the ugly or frightened parts of me that I wanted to keep hidden. Recently a very different image came to me, of a beautiful woman, a part of me, who has some concerns about the child we wish to bring forth and the way we’ve been living our lives, that are well worth listening to. I feel like I’ve begun a dialogue with this part of me, and little by little I am able to to specifically address some of her concerns all through the act of being kind to myself.

    Congratulations Bee, I so hope your story encourages others to embrace this journey. I found so many parts of it so helpful. You are right that you will certainly be a very different Mum for having reconnected with yourself.

    xxx

    • Thank you Ruth, for this beautiful, thoughtful comment. Orphan to Orphan or Visionary to Visionary relationship is the way we encourage each other to think about all our relationships in the I.B.O.W. practice. And it sounds like you are on a stunning healing journey not only healing the O to O relationship with your husband but also healing such relationships within yourself, which is where it all starts. It’s truly and honor to be part of your journey, and I’m so glad I actually got to meet you.

    • MiracleHoope says:

      Dear Ruth,
      I loved your post. It had so much to offer me. Specially ” I am learning to stop dividing myself up”. Off late I had the same feeling that some parts of my body are going forward for the baby and other parts are stepping back. This will not allow me to move fwd. My holy human loaf on the whole should make the move and only then I can reach my baby.
      MH

  28. CristyME says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story. This story came to me just at the right time. I can relate to so much in your story. Good luck on your journey of motherhood and enjoy your beautiful baby. Your story has given me much hope and has inspiration.

    Thanks

    Cristy

  29. Openheaeted says:

    This is a beautiful post. Your journey is an awesome testament to inner and outer growth! My own journey continuos on with twists and turns cheers to patience and faith!
    Blessing to you,
    T

  30. Lori says:

    Congratulations! Wonderful story and I appreciate you sharing your journey.

    I love the fact that you realized you and your husband were in an orphan to orphan relationship. I have done Cut the Cord imagery in the past dealing w/friend who was pregnant. I never really considered my romantic relationships to be orphan- orphan. However, when I read this story, I thought of a recent ex-boyfriend and it totally hit me! It was the highest level of orphan-orphan relationship! Definitely an A-ha moment for me. I know, moving forward, to be attuned to any orphans that surface for either my partner or myself. That’s a huge step forward for me.

  31. MiracleHope says:

    Very inspiring story……but in spite of building faith over a period of time, a word, a gesture from idiots in the world shakes up my beliefs. I again become sad, I feel like everyone around us are getting pregnant & here we are the ever young couple attending every other bloody bday party :((
    A conscious feeling that I am aging and yet no baby….how many years should i wait? Will this miracle ever happen to me?
    Anyway, i kept reading this blog multiple times after this has been posted. but this week has been a bit low for me. As long as I am in my own shell and not mingling with anyone, I feel good, the moment i couple out of my shell and start interaction, I feel so conscious. Moreover if anyone talks of my age or no of years of marriage or my husband’s age, both of us are getting so much impacted :-((
    I wonder why does all the imagery work that I did and the belief and confidence that I gained goes for a toss in situations when i need my confidence the most.
    Is it possible to have faith and belief at its peak irrespective of the situation for all the success story folks too? or is this a sign that I am not yet there?

    MH

    • Lori says:

      MH – I can relate to your questioning.. How many years should I wait? will this miracle ever happen to me? I, too, feel that I have either limited or NO time left at 44. However, the only thing maybe I have left is the patience & faith. While I know at the moment it will not happen as I’m not actively trying, I DO know that it is TOTALLY possible for me when I do try again. Reading this story is just another validation that it can and will happen for us. As for feeling self-conscious or being affected by others’ comments.. I haven’t quite figured out how to handle all of that yet. I think the key is probably to be compassionate for ourselves and what we are going through, but also compassionate and loving toward those who are already mothers ( which I know, can be difficult.)

      • FindingFaith21 says:

        Once again, MH, we share a brain and soul! :-) I understand your emotions. I, too, fight the urge to isolate when I’m upset. Seeing others with things I want upsets me. I swing from not worrying about how much time it is taking to have another baby to freaking out that it is taking so long. And it makes me angry. I went to the county fair this summer, and I swear, I wanted to yell about the injustice of it all. Here I am, literally standing on my head and drinking green juice (not at the same time), and still no baby. And yet I passed people 100+ pounds overweight, eating funnel cakes and ice cream, drinking huge sodas, smoking and pushing babies in strollers. Huh?? It’s hard to have faith in light of things like that. And I HAVE kids, and I still feel this way toward others who also have kids. It makes no sense. I struggle all the time to keep believing it’s possible once again for me. It’s getting harder and harder to do as the time moves on, though. Then I blame myself when I don’t get pregnant because I didn’t have ENOUGH faith. Arg! Lori, you are so brave and strong. Good for you for courageously waiting to try again until you feel strong enough. I’m not able to do that, even if I should. Good for you for not letting the time orphans slip in. You’re inspiring. I like this post, but it also frustrates me. I’m ALWAYS looking for the magic bullet, the perfect combination, some formula of tricks I can try to get make it work this month. When it doesn’t happen, I figure it will never happen and I get more frustrated. I’m really working on bowing to what is.

        • MiracleHoope says:

          Dear Lori & Kyra – Thank you so much for your kinds words & Support.

          Lori – What hit me in your post is “Compassion”. Am I compassionate? Absolutely not !!

          Well I really wanted to get to the bottom of what was making me so sad & angry? What makes me doubt my belief and what shakes up my confidence? Why do I feel I am old?

          ff21 id.- I have no kids till date and not conceived once in my life. But thanks to the tools and my intro to FH, I am no longer worried if others have kids or if others get pregnant easily. That’s good for them. It worked for them. That doesn’t bother me anymore. In fact I am more than happy to engage with babies and going all the way by myself to reach out to babies. Its not hurting me.

          What was really bothering me was that I appear to protect myself from the world thinking everyone is viewing me differently or treating me as if I am an odd man out and thinking I have an issue. In reality, its ME who thinks all this. I am ashamed of the fact that I have been failing, I am ashamed that I am a loser, I am coaxed to think that I am aging & time is running out, I am comparing myself with others of my age & finally I have no compassion towards myself, I am punishing myself by feeding the shameful orphan by living her reality.

          This again is such a beautiful orphan. I am sooooo happy today. I could really see 2 vivid orphans, one who is soo damn ashamed of herself and one that has no compassion. Again these two run very strong in my family line. This is how I have been brought up. This is what was causing me to be sad, mad, & bad to myself.
          Who cares what the world thinks about me, as long as I support myself and stand by my side that no matter what it takes, how much time it takes, I am on the right path to meet my child halfway, I shouldn’t be sad or mad. That’s the bottom line. How do I support myself?
          If I can heal this aspect of ME (which I will work on now), it will be a boon for my child as I am hopeless when it comes to compassion. My caustic attitude would have hurt her so badly. Glad she is not yet here as I would have been oblivious to the fact that I needed to work on this side of ME.
          I am truly grateful to GOD for whatever he has given me till date and I do fully believe in HIM as I can feel his presence when he shows me guidance, either via a blog or a post on fb or FH forums. This a great relief for now.

      • Thank you, Lori! That might be another good topic for our Visionary Moms circle: the effect of other people’s comments.

  32. Heather says:

    So thrilled to see this lovely post. I love the lines about patience and faith being two good friends and the importance of cultivating faith on this journey. It’s so easy to forget about how important those connections to our heart can be. I tend to kept swept up and focus on the changes in my body when I also need to be aware of the changes in my heart. So needed this today!

  33. Kristen says:

    This is such a wonderful story. I could relate to so much of it as I snuggle with my 4 year old “baby” thanks to Fertile Heart practice and Julia. Xoxo

  34. Katy says:

    thank you so much for sharing this story and congratulations on your beautiful baby!

  35. RachelSF says:

    LOVE THIS! Thanks so much for sharing your story. Wishing you lots of love and awe in your journey.



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