As we speed along the infertility superhighway, with traffic piling up and seemingly limited points of exit, stopping to check who is at the wheel can be a challenge.
Still, if we are to arrive at our destination alive and well and more fertile than when we set out on this journey, we must head for the nearest rest stop, wash up and look in the mirror above the sink.
If it’s a panic stricken child looking back at us, we must breathe, take her hand, strap her safely in the back seat and place an adult behind the wheel.
If it is all about age, and we need to storm toward that last good egg before our next birthday, then what about the women like Katherine, or Amanda Queally Gen Glassman, or Maria Bono, or countless other moms I’ve had the privilege to work with who after years of failed treatments conceive the old fashioned way?
Aren’t they 5, 6, 8 years older now?
No, the Fertile Heart™ road is not a road of denial. Age is a factor. But not the enemy.
It’s the image of time as a woman’s greatest foe, that blocks the life-force from flowing through us and re-charging our ovaries.
It’s what you do with time that energizes or depletes you.
Panic, self-hate, fear of contact with ourselves and each other, those are the fertility damaging drugs to watch out for.
So let’s give our souls a chance to catch up.
Let’s dance to the rhythm that repairs our relationship with time as an ally; a teacher/friend that allows us to grow into our most fertile Self. Some days it’s blues, some days rock n’ roll, as long as we dance and not crawl.
Speaking of tunes, this upbeat delightful song was shared by one of our sweet voiced, gifted singer/composer mamas Shely Ley, and inspired by…the Backpack Imagery on the Imagery One CD. Be sure to listen, it will put a bounce in your step.
What’s your tune…the one you’re dancing to today? We might just want to join in and sing it with you!
Hello Everyone, It has been a while since I last put a comment – thank you for sharing all your songs and thoughts. I have been thinking what song has been with me, helping me dance with life, rather than crawl along. I am home again after nearly 2 months of refurbishment – and the song that comes to me now is a song by James Blunt, “Beautiful dawn” (or maybe it is called “High”) – it has many happy memories for me and although it is something of a love song, I think I am feeling this way about my dawn inside me. I feel, at last, that I am waking up to myself and not hiding away from everything and everyone:
Beautiful dawn – lights up the shore for me.
There is nothing else in the world,
I’d rather wake up and see (with you).
Beautiful dawn – I’m just chasing time again.
Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night.
But now I’m high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe you remember me.
Beautiful dawn – melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn – You’re just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.
High; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe you remember me.
Will you be my shoulder when I’m grey and older?
Promise me tomorrow starts with you,
Getting high; running wild among all the stars above.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe you remember me
It makes me cry when I think that I nearly left myself whither away and get caught up & die inside from the statistics thrown at me by doctors. So, for me, it is now about living my own truth. And dear fertile heart ladies, you inspire me so much and help me understand that I am not alone in this world! Julia, thank you again for sharing the fertile heart practice, it has changed my life so much!
Our last call is so long ago already, and I have been wanting to share with everyone how you helped me very deeply. It starts with the political mayhem and refugee crisis we are experiencing in Europe. These are not happy “family” memories for my husband. So I think that this has prompted and is perhaps why I have been having the Orphan rooted feelings come to the surface of possibly being the cause of our family name “dying out” if I do not have a healthy boy. But as you said, that is giving myself much too much credit and power. Thank you again for opening my eyes. It has helped me look differently (and more positively!) at my position in the larger scheme of things and my role in our family. There are so many historical and socio-political reasons why I am not at fault! My Orphan is feeling very heard and healed very much since our call. The drama and pressure this Orphan felt has almost dissipated and she no longer feels like she is lost and that all the responsibility of continuing the family line lies on her. I have been doing Lifting the Burden imagery and Jailbreak, sometimes Ladder of Light, plus Defend/Receive. That said a very much deep inner calm has come over me recently since our last call. I think I did not realise how powerful this O was. It is not my fault the Russian revolution & its consequences for my husband’s family happened! And I know this has only just sunk in. I am slightly embarrassed that I did not realise this earlier but I see my O was very strong, indeed.
As you said, keep taking daily Visionary steps – and I keep thinking of the snowflakes and that keeps me focused and helps me make Visionary choices. Thank you for creating that analogy. It really hit home, especially after the work shop. I read that chapter quite a lot. It gives me strength to continue on and to believe in myself. Thank you again!
Love and peace to all,
FearlessRose
My song that connects to my core and I heard it on the radio shortly after my last miscarriage is by Casting Crowns “Praise you in this Storm” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw. It was so fitting and continues to be in relation to my questions with my UM, God.
Here is the first and second verse it just makes me say amen to the present, past, and whatever the Lord has in my future.
I was sure by now, God you would have reached down
And wiped our tears away,
Stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
That it’s still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear your whisper through the rain
I’m with you
And as your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
The God who gives and takes away
And I’ll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm
Dear all,
Thanks for sharing all the beautiful posts. I have not been writing on the blog before, I guess because my “I’m an introvert Orphan” decided that we are not up for this. But here I am, found the courage ;)
I wanted to share a slow dance song I love with you, called “Courage” by Villagers. I found it a couple of weeks ago and which really hit the spot for me. As I see it, it takes courage to meet our orphans and time to find the courage to do that. And all of us being here together on this blog means we have found that courage which is an amazing thing.
Here are just some of the lyrics.
It took a little time to get where I wanted
It took a little time to get free
It took a little time to be honest
It took a little time to be me
and then the chorus:
Courage
It’s a feeling like no other
Let me tell you
Courage
In harmony with something other than your ego
Here is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UsYbProrac
Have a nice weekend!
Julia,
Thank you so much for this post, every sentence spoke to me. I love the image of slow dancing with time, and of checking who is driving.
Thank you so much for the teleconference too, once again the discussion was so very poignant for me. Esther I don’t know if you’ll see this comment, but I wish you could know how very much I love to hear your voice on the calls.
This post has really made me reflect that lately I have been filling my time with a lot of words (radio, pod casts, reading, you tube on and on) and not with much music. Of course all of this has it’s place, and deeply reflecting on what concerns me and defining how I want to live, through all these words, has it’s place. But this post made me reflect that all of this can encourage quite a bit if stomping through life, and not much chance to slow dance, and I think some opportunities for joy have been lost along the way.
That being said there is one song I have returned to over and over again for comfort on this journey. An old Celtic song “Get Me Through December”. I found a home recorded version of it in my father’s study after he died (by one of his friends I presume), but if you look on You Tube you can find other (slightly more saccharin) versions of it. I love it especially at this time of year as we turn towards the darker days in the Northern Hemisphere.
Thanks to everyone, I loved reading all the comments on this post too.
Hello all,
Today I am tuning in with a beautiful Hungarian song, a sad one, it is called “The sandglass”. It is about time, that is passing over us and sometimes leaving scars…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBtzsW8v444
I am sitting in my room, sad and alone
And I’m thinking about the painful past
Outside, in the street lights slowly loom
And the sand is draining.
I would like the sandglass to stop
I would like my memories to forget
But the sand is draining and draining
So that I suffer more.
I am going to dance, to repair my relationship with time. I did today a visionary step, and checked my hormone levels; progesterone is close to 0 so probably I’m not ovulating . At least I know what to do and where from to start over and over ..
Frida.
There is a song that I love and everytime I hear it I feel like I am singing it to my child. everytime. Mumford and Sons “I will wait”
Chorus:
Cause I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you
Now I’ll be bold
As well as strong
And use my head alongside my heart
So take my flesh
And fix my eyes
A tethered mind free from the lies
And I’ll kneel down
Wait for now
I’ll kneel down
Know my ground
It is funny to know how much I love this song. One visionary quality I crave is patience. I have a hard time being friends with her. At times I feel punished with the wait. At times I realize this potential I have found within myslef with the wait. I am walking though each day and one day I want to feel my baby’s head rest upon my shoulder.
Dear Julia, Mother2Be, RightHereRightNow, Esther, HeartWideOpen, Chopin, InThisMoment, Heather, Brenda, Ruth Hegarty, Brave Caterpillar, ButterFlyFaith, and confidentbeliever,
Thank you so much all for being here. (This is Robin)
Julia -Thank you so much for help on the call. Mosaic of Revelations is wonderful medicine. Thank you for supporting me with my daughter.
Mother2Be – Good luck slowing down.
RightHereRightNow – Wonderful for moving your body. Yay for being pain free and your visionary action. I love your age comments. Thank you for your kind comments to me.
Esther – l love the slow dance idea! We all have orphans. Good luck with egg donation.
HeartWideOpen – Good luck with IVF
Chopin – So wonderful to sing that beautiful song. Greatfor seeing your life through the eyes of your future baby.
InThisMoment -Wonderful image of the orphan’s tongue! Thank you for supporting me with my daughter.
Heather – Wonderful to hear from you and thank you so much for the movie suggestion and song.
Brenda – wonderful insight into being open to whatever happens and caring for self.
Ruth Hegarty – Wonderful for watching the movie.
Brave Catepillar – Wonderful for loving and living fully.
Butterflyfaith – Terrific !!! dream of letting go. Great to hear from you. Hugs hugs.
confidentbeliever – Wonderful song.
I have been doing some of Riding the Current of Creation body truth and Mosaic of Revelation Fertile Heart Imagery (Disc 2) I would like to work on listening to my body and I would like help with that.
For my song maybe one I used to sing with my mom when I was a child Rogers and Hammerstein You’ll Never Walk Alone.
When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There’s a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark
Walk on through the wind
Walk on through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on walk on with hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone
You’ll never walk alone
Blessings to all
Hi Robin/GSD: So good to hear from you. I love how you always always always recognize others first. You are such a mom! Makes us all warm and fuzzy. ;-) I read how you want to listen to your body more, and I could be misunderstanding, but here’s what I thought. Why not try yoga? I know that once I began practicing, it really helped me tune in to my body and see what was going on and what my body was saying to me. For me, I’m now working on meditation. (And by working, I mean I keep meaning to try it.) I feel it’s another great tool we can use to help us tune out the world and tune in to us. Hope the school year is off to a good start for your daughter and for you. It’s always a transition, isn’t it? Hugs and prayers this is a good year for you both.
BF/FF21
It has taken me quite a while to post because I don’t have any music to share. Julia your blogs always hit a nerve. Our calendar says we are supposed to start an IVF cycle in September but I’m not feeling it. Last Monday I started doing the Council of Babies imagery where I was told: “just play with us”. The next imagery in that session was the Doorway to the Expert Within which gave me “What’s your rush? There’s time.” Nothing more nothing less. The following morning I woke to this blog. This blog SPEAKS to me so succinctly. The three messages in combination have really driven the message home. We are going to slow down and see how that feels.
Hi Everyone,
I still haven’t found a particular song, but I do find myself moving my body to many upbeat songs that I hear. I really like anything that will allow me to move my arms around over my head, move my hips in wide circles, or anything that energizes me.
I really enjoyed Shely’s song – thanks for sharing Julia. The “Daddy and I are doing it every day” part made me laugh :)
I’m still doing Cyst Free and Field of Surrender, although I feel the urge to do The Backpack as well, as I read through the blog and the comments. I might switch things up once I sit down and get into it.
My visionary rooted actions today are a big glass of green juice (wheat grass, cucumber, and ginger) and a headstand. Headstand first though ;)
I appreciate everyone’s comments. I feel that as I read them, it heals a little part of you and a little part of me.
xoxo to all
Hi Liz
Thank you for your post – You are so right about making the orphans feel loved.
I should have also said in my previous post that I loved the picture and message that went with this blog – I have not slow danced with life for a while!
Hear you soon. Love, Esther x
Hello everyone.
Lovely to read blog & hear song and it feels supportive to read everyone’s comments. Funny I have been doing the Backpack imagery as I was feeling such intense longing, it’s helped me to stand back.
I’m 46 and due to start an IVF cycle next week. I feel blocked! The idea of nourishing, healing ways to spend my time feels so distant, but I’m realising as I write that I need to guide myself everyday to do something which connects with my heart and soul. And I just have to keep doing it until that orphan feels loved!
Looking forward to the call this eve
Love
Liz x
Julia, and others, thank you for posting your songs and thoughts. My brother is getting married this week and I have the pleasure to surprise him with a song that me and my husband are practicing now. I will sing, which has been a longtime passion of mine and Nick will play the guitar. We were looking for a song about happiness, but sometimes sadness melts into happiness, so it was unclear which one to choose. Finally, we chose a love song by the father of the brazilian bossa nova style, entitled “Diga” or “Tell me” in Portuguese. It says that all the world knows what’s between us, I am noone without you. I am very excited to sing it for my brother to show him my love and celebrate his marriage. Despite his quarrels with me when we were kids and even adults, I am very grateful for having him as a brother and feel that we are lucky to have each other as siblings. So here is to expressing our love to those close to us!
João Gilberto: Diga
Diga se você me quer ou não
Gm7 Gm6 Eº
Diga se comigo é feliz
D#º
Todo mundo sabe
Em7(b5) E°
O que existe entre nós dois
Am7 Am(#5) Gm7 Gm6 F7(13) Am7 Am6
Diga tudo agora e não depois.
Gm7 Gm6 F F#°
Diga se você me quer ou não
Gm Gm6 E6
Diga se comigo é feliz
D#o
Todo mundo sabe
Em7(b5) E°
O que existe entre nós dois
Am7 Am(#5) Gm7 Gm6 F7(13)
Diga tudo agora e não depois.
F#m7M Gm
Nosso amor não é cinema
Am6 Gm
Desses de 1100
G7
Nosso amor não é comédia
Gm6 F7M
Pra dar risos pra ninguém
F#m7M Gm
Quanta gente me pergunta
Am6 Gm
Se ao seu lado vivo bem
G7
Eu não minto, digo tudo
Gm6 Am6
Sem você não sou ninguém
Dear Fertile Mamas
We are back from a work trip and I am looking forward to the call this evening.
I loved Shely Ley’s song – It was a lovely tribute!
During the last call and as I write this reply I feel like an outsider looking in at the party. I am 46 and we are waiting for an egg donor which is taking longer than we expected and has been a rollercoaster. I feel that I failed in realising our dream of a baby using my eggs and that I did not work hard enough at the OVUM practice. Rationally I know that I gave it everything that I had but I am racked with guilt. I also feel arrogant to think that anything that I could have done would have made a difference and I try AGAIN to bow to what is.
It is very hard not to focus on the fact that I am at an age where I feel that egg donation is our best route. Don’t get me wrong, I am very much at peace with the ideal of receiving this wonderful gift and in many ways, can see that some of the genetic traits that have been passed down may be better stopping with me.
It is hard to feel this conflicted and to feel that your position means that you are not part of the main group. I hope that this makes sense and that I do not sound negative. I believe in this work and it has made a huge difference to my life and my main frustration is that I feel that I have failed it and do not have anything to offer.
I look forward to hearing those of you who are on the call later.
Take care. Love, Esther x
Esther,
I am so happy to hear your voice every time you speak up at the circle. I hear you with the worry of not being part of the group, but the fact is I always look forward to hearing your voice, it always makes me smile. I look forward to hearing it again tonight.
Eva
Hello Dear Esther,
Guilty Orphans, oh how well I know them. But guilty Orphans can become most effective activists. So let’s see if we can facilitate that transformation, you and I. We can start tonight. Talk to you later.
love,
Julia
Esther,
You beautifully expressed exactly how I feel at this point in my journey. I also feel on the outside looking in and what else could I have done? I am 45 & single and while I welcome the option of egg /embryo donation, I resent doing it alone. Of course it’s orphan rooted, but when I’m on the calls or on the blogs when everyone speaks in terms of “we” are doing…. my orphan sticks her tongue out.
I am sending love and support for your next step in your journey and know that you are not an outsider.
Lori
Hello lovely ladies,
My journey to this point in my life has been a rollercoaster of emotions. When I was in the midst of trying to find a new path and teaching a class full of 2nd graders full time, I showed a movie to my class as a reward. It’s one of my personal favorites and one of Disney’s most underrated called, ” Meet the Robinsons”. It’s about a little (genius) boy living in an orphanage who wants to invent a time travel machine to go back and find his birth mother. I won’t get to into the plot other than to say he ends up right where he should be with the family he was meant to have. I always thought that movie was so poignant and meaningful if you looked below the surface.
I always loved the song at the end of the movie, called Little Wonders, so I bought and downloaded it. While I was walking one day thinking about what I truly desired and shortly after the amazing phone call on egg ( tissue) donation, this song played on my I-pod and as truly listened to the lyrics, I broke down and wept. I knew I wanted to be a mom ( however it would happen) and that when I really surrendered to what it is, I would start my journey to meet my child halfway and that regardless of how my child chose to come to me ( tissue donation, natural conception, ART, adoption, fostering) it would be how it was meant to be and I would be stronger for the path I had chosen and the journey I had taken.
The title of the song is called ” Little Wonders ” by Rob Thomas
Let it go, let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know the hardest part is over?
Let it in, let your clarity define you
In the end we will only just remember how it feels
Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain
Let it slide, let your troubles fall behind you
Let it shine until you feel it all around you
And I don’t mind if it’s me you need to turn to
We’ll get by, it’s the heart that really matters in the end
Our lives are made in these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These small hours still remain
All of my regret will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget the way I feel right now
In these small hours
These little wonders, these twists and turns of fate
Yeah, these twists and turns of fate!
Time falls away, yeah but these small hours
And these small hours still remain, yeah
Ooh they still remain
These little wonders, oh these twists and turns of fate
Time falls away but these small hours
These little wonders still remain
Hugs to all!
Heather
So great to hear from you Heather and so happy that you kept walking until the right path revealed itself…
Love and hugs back to you!
Julia
Heather…Thank you for your very inspirational post. I”ve been on this journey for the last 5 years. I’m ready to meet my child, but I’m not sure how my child will appear. We have started the adoption process and we are still trying. It is so true that the child that God gives us always is the one that we are meant to have. I’m 46 and have those moments of regrets what if I did this or that sooner. Then I stop those thoughts of guilt and remind myself “THAT THIS IS MY PATH”. I have the power to choose what I will do next. I’m surrendering and keeping myself open to whatever way my child will appear as I’m taking good care of me. I have to if I want to be a mom. How can I teach my child to take good care of themselves if I’m not. I believe that is one of the special gifts in this journey. Learning how to do that. Thanks again…I’m going to download that song~~
Thanks for this recommendation Heather! I had a little time yesterday afternoon so I watched the film and listened to the song a few times too! It was helpful.
Xxx
Hello Everyone,
Wonderful blog Julia. Thank you.
I’ve been thinking all week about a song or tune that I’m singing these days, but nothing in particular comes to mind, although maybe the question might be more figurative than literal?
I had day 3 blood work done this week and my FSH was 36 – it’s previously been in the teens when I last had it measured 2 1/2 years ago. I’m not really too bummed about it. It’s a number, a “statistic” and I tell myself that the month Julia conceived her second child her FSH was 30, brought down from 42. I’ve been working with ‘Welcome Home’ body truth and ‘Cyst Free’ and ‘Field of Surrender’ imagery sequences.
Some visionary rooted actions I’ve been taking are eating healthy, taking vitamins/supplements/herbs, doing a lot of meditation, walking every day, and simply being kind to myself. I’m also rereading The Fertile Female to really immerse myself in it’s beautiful truth.
I am currently pain free and have been for over a month now. A big “YAY!” for that :D
Thank you for this post Julia, and thank you all for sharing.
Last week, I went to Mexico for my grandmother’s 80th birthday. We showed a small power point presentation with photos and one of her favorite songs. I’ve been thinking about it ever since I came back. It is a romantic song but now I realize I could dedicate it to my future baby. It is in Spanish but here is a translation of the chorus and the link if you want to listen https://youtu.be/sIM4mDQJib4
Little by little, slowly, you taught me how to love
Little by little, slowly, I fell in love with you
Little by little, slowly, you taught me how to live
Little by little, slowly, I fell in love with you
Today I sing and live happy because now I can say that finally
I don’t live just to live
The wait has been slow but I need to trust that it will take the time that is necessary. Looking back I am way more prepared to receive this baby right now than when we first started trying two years ago. While I’ll wait, I’ll keep learning how to love and live fully.
Beautiful lyrics
I love the fact you dedicate a song to your future baby. Recently I have started to imagine our lives through the eyes of our future child, and I discovered that is a wonderful perspective that soothes my orphans and somehow everything fits into place. Thanks for posting your beautiful song, I hope you are singing it often..
Hi everyone:
Here’s the song I keep hearing. While it deals with more of a romantic relationship, I see it also as someone longing for someone he/she knows is out there, but can’t quite reach, but he/she never gives up hope. It’s the “Lava” song from the Pixar short shown before “Inside Out.” (Forgive the poor quality. This is tough to find online.) It’s sad, but with a happy ending.
http://www.metatube.com/en/videos/278377/LAVA-PIXAR-Short-Film-Inside-Out-Disney-HD/
Here are the lyrics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXUCJuiIyho
I’m just getting so very tired. I wonder if it’s time I let this all go. I just feel so worn down, so in need to just stop living this sad, beaten-down life and start LIVING. I know life hasn’t been easy the past few years, and I’m ready to make some changes. I just don’t know if those changes include me releasing this death-grip I have on my unicorn baby. I don’t want to, but I don’t know if I’m walking in circles.
But I did have a really neat dream the other night. I was rollerblading down this rocky mountain path, and I knew I couldn’t do it. I would surely break something (like my neck). Just then, someone familiar but rather unknown came up behind me, grabbed me under the arms, hoisted me up and, bracing me from behind, sailed with me down the mountain. It was breathtaking! I felt scared, but more than that, I totally let go and trusted it would all be OK. I enjoyed the ride, felt the thrill and knew I could trust this person behind me to get me down the mountain safely. I completely gave up control. Hmm. That most definitely sounds like a message from the UM, doesn’t it?
Maybe I’m not ready to walk away after all. Maybe I’m just ready to walk away from the control I so desperately try to have.
What a gorgeous letter from the UM! Beautiful, thank you for sharing it with all of us.
I really loved it, too. Now I have a question….It’s been a long time since I got such a clear dream from the UM. So I’m not sure how I should act on that. I get what the dream was telling me. But how do I take that message and use it in real life? Any ideas on what imagery I can use to help clarify that next step so I can trust and let go?
How about Field of Surrender on Imagery One CD or Lifting the Burden on Imagery 2.And Unconditional Gratitude on Body Truth. And come into the next call with a burning question.
Thank you, Julia! As always, you are right on the money–exactly the fertility drugs I needed today. I haven’t done Field of Surrender in a long time, so great idea! Totally forgot about that one. And how did you know I was struggling with Body Truth? ;-) I will most definitely do Unconditional Gratitude. It’s the only one that always seems to click with me. Hugs to you! Have a good weekend.
Hi Butterfly Faith,
This is the wonderful thing about posting on the blog – you gain insight as you write! At the start of what you wrote, I found myself really cheering for you, and then by the end I had a big smile on my face because I knew you pulled yourself through.
Awesome!
Thanks, RHRN. I can walk this path because I’ve got amazing warriors like you walking with me, lighting the way.
Robin – just wanted to send you support for the upcoming school year! You are and always will be your daughter’s best advocate.
what a beautiful voice and song from Shely! This blog comes a at perfect time for me as this end of summer is upon me and I also feel it is the end of my fertile window. Turning 45 last month has done me in. I am ashamed of faltering on my OVUM practice. I still think and feel, but I have not chosen or acted in months. My “it’s a lost cause” orphan has set up shop. Of course my UM knows she just needs some comfort but is unsure of how to provide it. August was supposed to be the month I did some research on my options but my fear orphan has limited the time spent on that. This blog is totally about the time I believe I do not have. It couldn’t have come at a better time Julia!
As for the song I connect most with in my journey to be a mom..it’s Christina Perri’s 1000 Years..
Here are a few lines:
” how can I love when I’m afraid to fail?”
” I have died every day waiting for you, darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
for a thousand years”
“I will not let anything take away
what’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this”
“And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more”
This song often makes my heart skip a beat and I visualize it playing just after I have given birth to my brand new baby.. just us two..
ITM, I was thinking of you! Good to hear your voice. And I wanted to tell you about something I found out, too. I haven’t done must research into it, but it did give me some hope. Some clinics (and I think even a nation-wide agency) have frozen eggs leftover from their donors. These eggs are then available to others at a fraction of the cost of a traditional donor cycle. This made me excited because 1.) I’m broke, 2.) it’s a lot quicker to schedule and launch than a traditional donor cycle, and 3.) you only get about 5, which results in about 2 viable embryos on average. I feared having 15 embryos left over if I went the donor route, and morally I’m not sure how I feel about that. Just thought I would pass that along to you. I hope you had fun in Aruba. We were able to get away for 5 days and the healing I received was incredible. I so needed to escape like that! Good luck with the new school year.
You are such a generous loving mama L., my hope is that we can support you in channeling that love a bit more effectively toward your stunning Self!
InThisMoment,
I’m in my 40’s as well, and have been trying to conceive a child for a long time.
When I think about my age, I tell myself that I’m healthier today, right now, than I was yesterday, last week, last month, last year, 10 years ago, or ever. I’m healthier right now than I ever have been my whole life.
If someone were to ask me “How old do you feel” I wouldn’t even know what to say. I can’t say, 30 or 20 or 16 because I’m healthier and feel better RIGHT NOW than I have at any other age I’ve ever been. Is this what 40-something is supposed to feel like because I feel pretty damn good.
My husband continues to comment on Julia’s energy level at the workshop we attended. We both couldn’t help but notice how active and alive she was, how she moved about so nimbly and freely. She truly inspired us.
I really wish as a society we could dispel with the negativity surrounding age, especially women’s age. We need to stop being bombarded with messages, both obvious and subliminal, that tell us getting older is something to be feared.
Maybe we need to make up an imagery sequence where we burn our birth certificates or something. We’ll have a big bonfire with our birth certificates, and we’ll dance around it, free and alive.
Take care and be well!
Dear confidentbeleiver and Julia,
Thank you so much for being here (This is Robin).
I don’t know what song I’m singing or dancing to today, but it’s a sad song. I keep crying.
Wonderful confidentbeliever for missing those who came into your life.
Thank you so much, Julia for your suggestions about what I need and don’t need.
I have been doing Riding the Current of Creation (some) from the Fertile Heart body truth CD and Mosaic of Revelation from Fertile Heart imagery, Imagery II. Thank you so much for the suggestion of Mosaic of Revelation, Julia. That has been really helpful to re-image some of the things in my mind.
One of the things I need is for my daughter’s school to keep the same special ed caseworker for her for at least 2 years in a row. The new one has made some suggestions to her about what activities to get involved in (well-meaning I’m sure) but I just don’t know if she has any concept of who my daughter is or what her needs are except in a possible one answer fits all sort of way. ) It might be the greatest suggestion ever. I just feel the need to reexplain some aspects of my daughter that she may not know, but I don’t know what to share and I’d rather spend the time doing more caring for me. I don’t think they’ll be reassigning the previous person to my daughter so I’ll just have to work with it somehow.
It’s what you do with time that energizes or depletes you.
I was at a religious meeting where the discussion was what wisdom have you learned from a woman older than you. One woman said there was a time she was complaining to an older friend (who was not able to get out and do a lot) that she didn’t know how she could clean her house any more. Apparently the older friend said “If I were you I’d be dancing through your chores – because you’re able to do them” (In other words not movement restricted like herself.)
I am determined to dance through whatever is before me because I can. I don’t always know what that looks like, but I found the story inspirational.
So I will ponder what I do with my time to see if it can be more energizing.
Blessings to all!
Robin, I’m so happy to hear your voice, and so wanting to give you a big hug. I’m so sorry for the struggles going on with your daughter and school. The older my daughter gets, the more I realize the problems get bigger. I loved your story about dancing through the chores. I must take that to heart. I spend so much energy hating what’s happening, and I would be better off finding out ways to be at peace or even happy about whatever rainbows and sparkles I can find the in madness. Big hugs to you.
You’re my hero, R.; the way you’ve been advocating for your daughter is truly heroic.
Seriously! You are so right, Julia. Doesn’t everyone want a mom like that? R’s daughter is so very blessed.
Hi Robin,
Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your story here on the blog and also in the phone calls.
Being the parent of a special needs child is such a big challenge, and I’m sure that it comes with it’s own set of wonderful rewards.
Your daughter is so fortunate to have such a wonderful advocate speaking up for her all the time. Keep up the great work, Beautiful Mama!
xo
funnily enough I have found meaning in the silliest of songs. Call Me Maybe:
Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so so bad
Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so so bad, bad, bad, bad….
It’s hard to look right at you baby
But here’s my number
So call me maybe
this is how i feel about my miscarriages. I had no idea you could miss someone you never knew.
Yeah, N., it’s taken me a long time to give myself full permission to mourn and miss all the people in my family I never got to meet. It’s an important insight, because, unless we acknowledge them,our bodies will find a way to mourn our losses. Love the song…
I love this point, Julia. How DO we acknowledge those we mourn? Our losses? I would love to talk about that on the call one day or have a blog about it. I think so many of us mourn someone or something so deeply along this journey. I find that I get sucked up in the grief and mourning instead of allowing it to help me grow. I will forever remember how you told me, as I sat by my mom in the hospital, to listen to her. Even though she was sedated and not awake, she had things to tell me and teach me. VERY important things. You were so right! I need to learn how to see the lessons in and listen to my grief in other areas, too.