The superficial doesn’t make us fertile
In our ongoing Fertile Heart Miracle Challenge we keep inviting ourselves to view everything, the welcome and the unwelcome guideposts on the human trek. through the lens of faith.
But after leading a recent Fertility Support Teleconference, I thought I’d give myself permission to sing a slightly different tune today. Just in case any of us would be tempted to turn that miracle challenge into a “positive thinking” contest.
Unlikely healers
So I dedicate this post with appreciation to the New York Times Fertility Diaries, which have energized the activist in me this past year in a myriad of ways. (At the end of this blog are links to my posts inspired by the diaries.)
I confess that my first response to pretty much every piece in that column was:
Are you f***ing kidding me?
I do know that anything or anyone who elicits a charged response—be it elation or frustration—can become my greatest healer.
I also know, that that can only happen, if I make lots of room for whatever it is that rises up in me, when I feel thwarted, injured or disappointed.
Doorway to freedom
Then of course, creating a safe space for all the inconvenient feelings doesn’t mean getting stuck in that space. Validating such feelings is not the same as validating the reality of victimhood. The tools of the Fertile Heart OVUM practice are all about transforming painful feelings into doorways to freedom. They help us recognize ourselves as the only reliable agents of change in our own lives.
In case you too will be energized in the coming year, as I was energized by the Fertility Diary, click on the video above, do a little Body Truth and belt it out with Kate Miller-Heidke.
You’d be surprised how fertility boosting a song can be!
As always, being able to share and articulate the easy and the tough to people who can hear us and respond, is the most priceless of gifts. So let’s gift each other in the comments section below this post. Is there something or someone that really gets to you?
Here’s to all the healers among us!
Off to See the Wizard: Who is Your Fertility Authority?
Fertility Integrity: What Would Pete Seeger Do?
Lessons InFertility: Are We Each Other’s Healers? Can Amy Klein & Julia Indichova “Heart” Each Other?
NYT Infertility Diary: Farewell, Amy Klein, Let There Be Light!
I loved this post and the video. I have not posted in the past two weeks but have read some of the blogs and have been doing a lot of soul searching. I have been lost in a sea of egg donation decision making and today, am finally gaining some clarity. I have been speaking to my brother regularly during the last two weeks as he has a lot going on. I have been surprised with my approach regarding stopping judging and advising him to do the same. This is as a result of my work here with Fertile Heart and is another lovely consequence of the journey that are on.
Take care. Love, Esther x
…
I submitted my online self review, and in one section, the text would not fit due to the word count limit, so I was given instruction by my boss to send that part of it by email. I tried multiple times to fit it in, trying to shorten where I could, but to no avail.
After sending it to him, he responds by asking me to try to fit it in the space. WTF? I said I’ll try it again, and of course it doesn’t fit because I’d already tried it many many times! At the time I felt so irritated at him when all I did was follow his directions.
Thinking about it now, he probably didn’t want to deal with it since he has so many reviews to review. I do feel some compassion in that regard, but I still feel some irritation.
here are two AYFKM moments today. One nurse I have not seen in awhile immediately asked me “do you have kids yet?” in front of a room full of people. I said no. She then wanted to know how old I was. WTF does that have to do with anything? I said none of your business.
THEN not 10min later I am walking out of the hospital with one of my pregnant coworkers. I run into an old pt of min who is awwing over her baby bump then turned around and asked if I was pregnant yet.
WTF AGAIN! I do not understand the fascination with when/if women get pregnant. I do not recall being all that concerned when my friends would conceive. Then my pregnant friend said to me. “my god you seem to be a magnent for douchey comments”. (She herself has gone through fertility hell so I am actually quite happy she is pregnant). It made me wonder – why I am I attracting these kind of foolish comments my way. Enough already!
I am so sorry Katy…..that is pretty rude of those bloody idiots !
Even I got enraged after reading those comments and can feel the anger. Your answer to the first A**ole was awesome !!!
Katy, sorry to hear that happened to you :( I would hate hearing those kinds of comments too.
I re-read the celestial gravity few times now and this particular phrase caught my attention:
“Even as I surrender to the reality of my circumstances, the fight for a well-lived life, the wrestling with God never stops”. Another stmt I felt connected to this one was “Everything is a miracle in the creation. Attempting to adapt this view doesn’t preclude groaning, grieving, & shortchanged & excluded as long as the somewhere inside the doors remain slightly ajar”.
The other day I showed a pinch of jealousy in some conversation with my husband & he instantly reacted saying you are doing so much of imagery & still you talk this way? I told him doing imagery doesn’t mean I will be perfect with all so called “right emotions”, as long as there is life in me, all these emotions will remain,only difference being I know how to give them space & be heard & choose which wolf to be fed.
Brilliant!! I actually tell myself what your husband told you. But I think I’m going to use your words as what my UM would tell me when I say such things. You are so right! We must chose the right wolf.
Thanks FF ! In fact with the emotional lows and the highs that we face on a day to day basis, its good to re-read such thoughts :)…… in fact I too had the same feeling many times…..just had this realization off late.
This post is really resonating with me. More and more I’m seeing the human experience as choices in situations or moments – where I can decide what is nurturing and supportive to me and others and what is damaging and harmful. I agree with you, it can’t be emotionless can it, and that would be a dull and rotten existence surely. I’m hopeful we will all spend the rest of our lives learning the ‘right emotion’ for the right occasion, that we will continue to grow in wisdom with age and experience.
My journey currently lies with trying to accept there is a whole human experience on offer; that with love can come hurt, with joy there maybe pain, and definitely my big one – there can be disappointment with hope. For I just want the joy, not the pain, and I definitely want the hope of a baby without the disappointment. You know, as I’m writing, I’m thinking – all I really have is the present. Not the past for I can’t live that again, and not the future for that means nothing – I’ll being living the future when I’m in my present. I have what I am living right now, and if that isn’t a nourishing human experience its a wasted moment – a wasted opportunity to be wiser and richer. I think a little ‘Unconditional Gratitude’, is on my menu before bed tonight!
MH – I loved the two sentences you choose. I am struggling today with a sad orphan that feels like if she tries to explain herself may be people would be more understanding. However, the visionary knows that talking will likely cause more of an issue and things are best left in the past. Reminds me that I can not change what I have said or did. I can only start fresh today.
Dear Miraclehope, Julia, FindingFaith21, Veronica and all the other fertile mommas.
I chose to share this video with my husband – not normally something I would share with him, but I told him he would understand why and he did. There is a young man who well fits the description of those sung about in the song that my daughter developed an interest in. We have told her to stop contact – we have told him to stop contact as well as his parents (and the parents are in agreement with this). Lo and behold on what he thinks is my daughter’s secret Twitter account, he shows up. I wish my daughter had the logic to sing this song to him – so far, not.
Blessings to all!
Good for you, Robin, for being the type of mom who really cares about what her daughter is doing, and acts on it. That is huge!
I remember having those urgent feelings of love towards a guy who is no good for me. I’m glad you have support in this regard from those involved (except for the young man). Does you daughter see what you see?
Thanks for you post Bailey, you’ve just helped me think around something in a more supportive way than I might otherwise have done.
Whilst doing “Room of Fear,” I had a image of a past acquaintance. I remembered a conversation with this person. This conversation took place several years ago, and it was several years before I was trying to conceive. In this conversation she told me she thinks women over 40 trying to get pregnant are selfish and its wrong and those children will grow up loosing a whole generation of grandparents. I had no idea this was unwittingly fueling my feelings of guilt, anxiety, shame, distrust in myself and my own bodies capabilities. Needless to say I am over 40, and she clearly had her three children by her early thirties.
This image has quickly been followed in succession by similar images, albeit, not so blatant, and some of them friends, who do know I’m trying to have a baby!
To answer the question in this blog, “Is there someone, or something, that really gets to you?” There is something that gets to me, its ill placed ignorant comments like this and that once heard lay dormant, until there is space to be heard, and this retrospective AYFKM, needs to be heard, but by no means fed. I shall review the chapter, “Celestial Gravity,” and use some imagery to support my way to freedom!
Not easy. But starting to try and think that way is the first step.
Your so right, her comments are like a record constantly being replayed.
Dear Pineapple
Something hit the spot for me and i was simply moved by the following stmt “its ill placed ignorant comments like this and that once heard lay dormant, until there is space to be heard, and this retrospective AYFKM, needs to be heard, but by no means fed” – So beautifully said and so powerful. We cannot mend how people should talk but through this journey if we can get grounded in our visionary self, hopefully we get the strength to identify what we should feed and what we should not.
Bailey – Kudos to you !! I got so frustrated & angered when I read it. It actually happened with me 2 yrs back too. I felt like saying bloody hell….go and get aborted. My conscious feels so damn guilty that I used the word “aborted” as I know the pain of not conceiving itself and still I am using such unparlimentary words, but then it was stuck in my vocal cords from a long time so just thought of throwing it out of my system
MH. The word “abort” popped into my mind too, at one point. So don’t feel alone in this feeling. But again, we must choose not to feed it and hold onto it.
Thank you MH for you kind words. Its very true what you say, we can’t control what people say to us, and at least this journey is helping us realise we need to choose which wolf or bird we feed.
So well-said, Pineapple! People can be so ignorant and they have no idea the power of their words. Good for you for working through those cruel statements instead of letting them fester and cause you harm.
So someone I know told me she is accidentally pregnant with (let’s just say not her first) child. When I attempted to congratulate, she said it wasn’t planned and she’s not happy about it. Instead of saying AYFKM???? I am choosing NOT to “feed that wolf” (as Julia says in the Celestial Gravity chapter of The Fertile Female). Instead, I am doing two things: 1) acknowledging that her pregnancy has nothing to do with my current situation, nor does it change it. 2) deciding to view her situation with compassion, as she is probably scared on some level. Neither is easy. But the fact that I can at least think that way is a breakthrough.
Bailey, that is so visionary of you!! I had a similar circumstance last June when my friend told me she was accidentally pregnant with her fourth and she did not want to be at all. I fed my wolf big chunks of steak, and that wolf thrived! I was so bitter and pissed off and screaming at the world. I wish I would have had more of the insight you have now. Because you are totally right–your friend’s circumstance has nothing to do with you, and she also did not get what she wanted (like you did not get what you wanted). Same outcome, different road to get there. Good for you for choosing which animal to feed.
My parents just left my house after a 4-day visit and as they were getting ready to go, my mom and I were watching some short videos on her tablet. My dad, who was at the door chatting with my husband, suddenly decided they needed to leave immediately and then made a comment to my mom about ‘which orifice of hers he should shove that tablet up.’ Seriously. AYFKM?!? My dad has been abusive towards my mom for my entire life, and her mother suffered abuse at the hands of my grandfather.
I have only recently begun to find my voice with my father, and I stood up to him; but I fear that I have been carrying around these AYFKM comments and the pain of this long line of abuse inside my pelvic region for decades. (Among his favourite quotes are “When am I going to get some more grandchildren already?” and “Just relax and you’ll get pregnant!” and “You just need to adopt and then you’ll get pregnant right away!”)
Being around my dad is absolutely infuriating. It’s rife with AYFKM moments.
Practicing Canopy of Compassion doesn’t seem to help, although I have hoped it would.
Joanne- that comment about “just relax and you’ll get pregnant ” made my stomach churn. I have heard some unbelievable comments like that from different people. My personal favorite ( note the sarcasm) is ” just stop trying and you’ll get pregnant”. Those are my AYFKM moments. I am glad to hear you are finding your voice- that is something I am still working on.
Thanks Heather. Yes, the list of AYFKM comments that masquerade as advice about how to get pregnant is very long! lol
Joanne, what a gift it is to know that you will not be passing on this legacy of abuse to your child. And how wonderful that you are growing strong enough to respond to your father as an adult, rather than a helpless child, and a victim.
I’m also wondering if the “Canopy of Compassion” didn’t hit the spot, because it wasn’t quite the right remedy. Not yet. The Orphan didn’t get to have the space for her truth.
A couple of other thoughts come up for me as I read this that could be useful for your current journey, I look forward to taking it up on the call tonight. Really appreciate you sharing this.
Thanks Julia. Canopy of Compassion didn’t feel right. I think I need to work some more with Ladder of Light and Field of Creation.
Tonight’s call was great. I gain so much insight from other people’s stories. Thank you everyone!
Here’s a lovely one: Someone told me that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Really? So I can handle money probs, a widowed mother with cancer and other issues, struggles at work, a passed-away father, a miscarriage that nearly destroyed me….but a little, healthy newborn baby is MORE than I can take? AYFKM?
I had to laugh FF because I know EXACTLY what you mean! My grandmother used to say, “God sends biscuits to people without teeth.” Your post made me think of her :)
Your grandma sounds awesome. Love her quote!
FF- I totally hear you. This is where I really struggle with my faith and when people drop little spiritual ” bombs” like that I just want to smack them upside the head.
Lori- love your comment about biscuits- cracked me up!
Here’s a good AYFKM moment.. I have been trying to get back into the online dating thing and I felt I was very brave when I wrote that I want children and a family no matter how it happened. I said I’d accept natural, adopted, blended, whatever it was. Some guy, who claimed to be 43, sent me this message “Can you still have kids?” My first reaction was AYFKM you a**????!!!! But then I laughed at the absurdity of the whole idea. What a shame that the majority of the population are as ignorant as this man.
Oh Lori! What a loser that guy is! Maybe you should have sent back, “Can you still get it up?” hee hee.
I think my moment came tonight when I got a hot flash (new thing since last month) came on and its been two months since my last period (and I’m not yet pregnant). Found myself today loading up on the imagery- scouring each one for the one that would put my faith back on-line. Found stillness in Fork in the Road when I felt into a blue and white comforting sky in one path, and found lots of emotion as I found myself walking into “the baby’s room in” in Palace of Truth. Just returned from travelling for holidays. Feel like tomorrow will be a more joy full day.
Hope you are feeling better, Tania. Julia calls these imagery exercises powerful medicine.
I have one too, my AYFKM moment came in when I was at my brother’s place yday and happened to see a chat conversation that my mom and her cousin had when my mom wanted to share some news with her and this was the conversation
Cousin: Oh its abt MH getting pregnant?
Mom: Ah me getting that lucky to share such a news, no way, I don’t think I can never get lucky
Cousin: Just wait, its all in the hands of time
I was seriously so mad, upset seeing this bloody conversation. I can’t expect any support from my mom anyway, but she is believing that i will never get pregnant and reading this made me very sick :(
I started cutting the cord, but this is so much getting on me. I feel so bad and sad
Seize the moment, S. before it slips away…Is sad bad? Perhaps doing Field of Creation before Cutting the Cord might be helpful. You may want to give the O the love and attention she needs before you move on to Cut the Cord. Sending you love and holiday wishes!
Thank you so much Julia ! I will add field of creation.
MH, I have had a pregnancy related incident with my mom which left me speechless.
We have a family friend we grew up with and their kids are a few years younger than me, but we are basically like cousins. Here, my husband and I are, working our asses off to get pregnant by eating organically where we can, working out, etc etc (not easy work!) when one of their kids gets pregnant and has a baby. I am dealing with being happy for them but also jealously and sadness that I don’t have one of my own. My mom comments to me one day, that she didn’t think that my auntie would become a grandma before her. I felt sad for her that she couldn’t have what she wanted but later on, I became angry that she made such an insensitive comment.
I think I have a tendency to hold on to anger and not release it. I’m working on it though! I am starting to realize (for me) that I either need to give the responsibility of the comment back to her (let her know how it made me feel) or release it in some healthy way, like doing the imagery exercises.
Thank you for sharing this Veronica! Allowing ourselves to have a AYFKM moment is an important part of the Fertile Heart OVUM practice, but if that’s all we do, and that’s all we get support for within our community of friends and encouragers then we’re stuck in Orphan Land with all the other frustrated, angry Orphans. Giving them space, hearing them out is not the same as validating their truth. In this practice those “f***k you” moments are doorways to healing, doorways to birthing our Visionary Selves. Thanks again for this and really look forward to hearing about your “sword fights,” on the next circle.
Dear Veronica
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I had lot of those moments. Well I didn’t understand when Julia said “Seize this moment”. I did the body truth, It my mother not me and field of creation followed by cutting the cord and I had such good revelations. I understood the power my parents and in particular my mom had on me. When I did the imagery, I felt like I was still in her womb connected with an umbilical cord and I wanted to be that way. No wonder I keep getting angry and upset and try to prove myself to them, because I feel insecure, I want unconditional love and support. That’s where my attention deficiency is also popping in as I am still looking at my mom to take care of me I guess and when she passes such comments, its hurting me.
What I realized is even if I stop talking to her I won’t overcome this power. I actually never tried doing this frankly speaking. Julia was shocked when I said I speak to her daily and when she advised me to stop doing it, I just couldn’t take it but then as an obedient student I did achieve it. But today I realized what Julia meant, she was looking for me to cut the cord to overcome the power and the influence she had on me. I realized it today.
This is my Christmas miracle.
I can mother myself, I will provide myself unconditional support and love, I want to stand on my own feet, believe my own beliefs and feelings, I don’t need to provide explanation to anyone to gain their support, I am self sufficient, I just can feel the strength in this thought and deed.
I thank my MOM wholeheardtedly for being my healer. In fact with this move (which I will keep working on), I am healing my family line as my mom actually lives in orphan world, she always reacted and believed in orphan reality especially when things went out of whack and since I have been seeing this trend, I too adopted the same methodology. I am so glad I found fertile Heart and OVUM tools. This is a true blessing my unborn daughter gave me. Now I know how to take care of myself and my baby when she comes into my world :)
MH – this is awesome work. I could envision my own relationship with my mom as you spoke this. I actually had a very unhealthy orphan rooted relationship with my mom until I took time away for my own healing so essentially I could deal with my family with my best visionary rooted self I started using these tools during the period of time while I was still healing! The OVUM work has been my miracle today as I realize how much more they have given me in this journey every time I rethink the past few years!
Bravo MH on this incredible breakthrough. I admire you and you inspire me so much. Slightly different (but somewhat similar) relationship with my perfectionist dad, who was always looking for the other two points when I got 98 on a test and whose sky high expectations I could never achieve. Through this work, I’ve realized too that he is my healer. And the importance of the realization that I do not want to pass on this pressure to my children. These are miracles. And Julia’s work is the angel in all our lives.
MH, thanks for sharing too, on your working through your orphans. It helps me to know that I can get through my orphans and come to realizations, just like you are having.
Julia! Happy holidays and thank you for clarifying that there is a difference between hearing out my orphan and validating their truth (because I thought that hearing them out was validating their truth). I will ask you the difference in the next circle, and I understand now why you tell us not to rehash our story.
Thank you also for reminding us continually that those who give us the AYFKM moments are our healers. That makes me feel much better when I feel negatively towards a person who I perceive as treating me unjustly. I really want to get out of that negative space of thinking because it causes me pain and suffering.
Awe MH.. that hurts and I’ve been there.. on the flipside your cousin seems supportive :) I struggle w/ that orphan too.. the mother/father not being supportive. I have done Canonpy of Compassion too for that.
Thanks T & Lori !
I am trying but the V rooted action is so difficult to achieve. My actions show I still have a grudge towards them :(
I am doing field of creation followed by cutting the cord & I tried my mother no me body truth. that was so cool.
Here’s another one…..The nurse at one of my RE offices told me “It’s up to God if you have another baby. If He wants you to, you will. If not, there’s nothing you can do, not even IVF, that will give you one. It’s His choice.” So then God wanted those women who beat, murder, ignore and abandon their children to have babies, but not me? Really? AYFKM????? That just messed with my head and my faith.
Hi K, Celestial Gravity in that little book called The Fertile Female, might be helpful as you mull over the conversation with this nurse. I know it doesn’t “feel” as though they’re helping, but the people who bring out our “frustration and It’s So Unfair-Orphans are really are greatest helpers. If we take a little time to attend to those motherless children within us. Take a loot at that chapter, there is quite a bit there on this theme. Look forward to working on some of this in the next circle on the 5th. Sweet holidays to you and your wonderful family!
Oh dear Julia, thank you! Somehow, you always know the exact thing to suggest that sheds more light in the darkness. Your words feel so comforting and hopeful. I really appreciate your advice and will re-read that chapter right away. I actually want to buy a second copy of Fertile Female so I can mark it up, highlight it, make notes in the margins. I am so looking forward to our call on the 5th. I’m praying 2015 is a much better year–and starting it off with you and my fertile sisters is the best way I know how to help that happen. Love and blessings to you this holiday season, Julia.
Ah, this song!! I will make it my anthem. I posted on our Visionary Moms blog about this song before I read this blog, and I’m tickled we are all on the same page. Or at least, we are all feeling fed the fu** up! ha ha.
OK, my “are you fu**ing kidding me” moments (oh soooo many to choose from) are when my 38-year-old friend with a three-month-old baby tells me she’s pregnant again (while on the Pill) and then says “Well, if it’s a girl I’ll be fine. But this really wasn’t the plan.” Really?????
Another: a gal I know had her tubes tied….and then found out she was pregnant with twins. AYFKM???
Another: my friend who sucks up mayo with a straw and thinks frozen, boxed, takeout and fast food are the main food groups had her FOURTH baby after she said “I sure would like another girl. Let’s have an October baby.” BAM. Pregnant. Girl. October. AYFKM???
But here’s my biggest one: LIFE. I feel like I’m constantly struggling, and there is some cruel entity out there just screwing with me, like a rat in a maze. “Hey, let’s throw this sh** at her and see what she does with it! Bwahha ha ha!” The past six years have felt so full of struggle and loss, and my mom’s recent health crisis on top of my miscarriage last year are just the toppers. Hearing the big “C” word in connection to my mom just made me stop, look up at the sky and yell “ARE YOU FU**ING KIDDING ME???”
My biggest obstacle right now is how in the world I move through this. HOW can I stay focused and hopeful and belief-rich in life and meeting my baby halfway when I can’t even manage to eat breakfast right now, when anxiety and grief and fear and stress are consuming me. HOW can I have another child when I’m filled with such negative feelings? How do we not let life’s sh** destroy us and knock us off the path? I know life doesn’t have to be perfect to create more life, but when I couldn’t seem to get pregnant when life was well-oiled and non-dramatic, HOW will it happen now when it’s an ugly mess? When all I want to do is scream this song at the top of my lungs? How do people process job loss, family drama, grief, money problems, etc. and not let these things ruin the baby journey?? I’m feeling so clueless on what to do.
Two things. One. Big hug. Two. Thank you for making me laugh out loud. It all is a little overwhelming and ridiculous at the same time. But you have a gift with the way you portray it. Please keep posting here.
Thanks for sharing these struggles. You definitely put it so much more eloquently than I did. I also feel clueless about what to do most of the time. I was so sorry to hear about your Mom on top of everything else. I hope you were able to find some peace this holiday season. Big hugs to you.
What’s getting to me these days are the challenges that life or the UM is throwing at me right now. It feels almost sacrilegious to say it, but I really want to say Are you f***ing kidding me to the UM right now! The cat that so miraculously improved a few weeks ago, had a very sudden relapse and is now diagnosed with lymphoma and undergoing chemotherapy and she’s not doing well. It’s been endless vet visits in the past 2 weeks to deal with the cat and now we are giving her various treatments 3 times a day. Not to mention that my fertility levels have flatlined and I haven’t ovulated in 28 days! I guess I still haven’t learned what the UM is trying to teach me with either of these challenges, other than I really can’t control what happens to the cat nor to my own body despite juicing, infusions, and all my good intentions.
I’m right there with you, Sofi. I don’t understand what the UM or God or life or whatever is doing right about now. I’m struggling to stay on course even when life is throwing me all these curveballs. Hugs to you.
Thanks so much for responding, FF. It really helps to know that others can relate to how I feel. I’m glad to have a better update. Monday was the low point this week. The cat bounced back on Tues just in time for her second round of chemo, and she’s been tolerating it better this time. Christmas was low-key but fine, as I had no big expectations, so it was pleasant. I decided earlier this week to focus on the cat and not worry about my fertility right now. I’m did Lifting the Burden today and it helped a lot. I’m trying to do my part in things and hopefully having time off during the holidays will reduce my stress level which is not good for me in lots of ways. Big hugs to you too!
Here’s my Are you F***ing kidding me for the day… a pregnant coworker who eats fast food (Burger KIng, chinese,Subway) chips, cookies on a daily basis. Doesn’t stop eating all day long, doesn’t exercise, etc… Are you F***ing kidding me ??!! What about juicing? How ’bout an herbal tea? How about taking that baby for a walk?? Why, oh WHY, does the bestower of babies see fit to bestow the baby to those who don’t do the work we do and we sit here waiting and waiting and waiting…
This just doesn’t seem fair, does it? Thanks for sharing, Lori. Sadly, this food and health habits heritage could affect her child for the rest of that child’s life. My understanding is that some parts of metabolism and insulin balance in the body are set while a child is in utero.
I so hear that… I love the irony of seeing a woman with a bag of Cheetos and a big gulp with a big pregnant baby… all I keep thinking is REALLY???? as I drink down my herbal tea, take my vitamins, eat gluten free, dairy free, soy free sugar, food….. I know I will be healthy but it’s so hard not to be bitter betty.
whoops I meant belly.. I guess I have baby on the brain…
Can so relate. I know someone who chowed down on fruity pebbles her entire pregnancy. Carcinogenic red, blue, green and whatever the hell other colors are in there. While I suck down wheatgrass and beet juice. And eat sweet potatoes and kale. Gimme a f@cking break.
I guess I struck a nerve with this one.. I think we all just feel like we do “the right thing” and these women are fertile Myrtle and don’t have to think twice about it… hopefully they will teach their children healthier habits once they’re born??
Rubyj – interesting about the metabolism / insulin developing in utero – makes total sense.
It’s so true! I get so frustrated seeing people accidentally get pregnant or treat their bodies like trashcans, and yet still be fine, dandy and fertile. How is that fair?? I keep reminding myself I’m eating this way and making these choices to make me healthier, and not just more fertile, but still. There are days when my orphan is like “Fu** this green crap. I want Krispy Kremes and coffee.”
Hi Julia:
Thank you for this video. I laughed out loud a very healing laugh. Made me think of all those times when people have asked me for favors and/or try to say something nice after being really bitchy. This post and everyone else’s wonderful healing comments made me realize that todays “Are you F***ing kidding me moment was at my daughters school when everyone was swapping stories of their second and third child and how “perfect” the 2.5 year age spread between siblings While my 4 year old is the one only child in the lot . I didn’t realize how much that really F***ing gets to me. F***ing shut up!! Ah! Looks like I have some orphans to attend to.
Thank you Julia.
I’ve got a gem. My acupuncturist tells me today that one of her former patients came to see her today with her triplets. (Which were the result of four embryos being implanted…. too many she says). THEN she proceeds to tell me that one triplet has crohns, one is slow, but the third is very, very good. ARE YOU F@CKING KIDDING ME??????!!!!!!
wow Bailey – I dont even know what to say to that! Although I would not be happy if my acupunturist was telling my business to other clients!
Thanks Katy. Funny you should say that. She’s been getting on my nerves for a while now. Today, I hit the wall and went to someone else. Closer to work and very gentle and respectful. Enough.
I did not realize until last night what a snowflake just leaving a comment would leave! Thank you Bailey for sharing about the acupunturist! The other snowflake is I realized what I said here(well as of last night!) However my sister just shared with me on sunday that she was “scolded” by our mother b/c she posted a picture of our nephew (who has autism) and my other sister at an Autism Speaks walk – a walk to raise awareness and money for children with autism. She said my mother said to her “why did you post that now everyone is going to know he has autism”. I think I have found something in my family line to heal! Thank you Julia and FH tools!
So much shame in so many of our families. So much to hide about ourselves from those powerful Others who will judge us and hurt us. Thank you for sharing this, Katy!
I’m so sorry Katy that your mother appears to be shameful of your nephew. All children are beautiful and all children have a special need in one way or another. Working with kids for over 20 years, I’ve learned they teach us more than adults and have such a kind, open heart.
Isn’t it interesting how many of our families have shame .. always need to hide this or don’t tell about that. Is it any wonder we have all this work to do? My mother has such shame about her body (although she will NEVER admit it) thus, I have major body orphans. Hopefully our children won’t ever know shame..
Thank you Lori for that! It is so interesting and I find it interesting that I really did not notice it until quite recently. When my sister told me that this past weekend I remember thinking that we should not have to hide ourselves from others esp our “problems” but then I did not see myself echoing the same behavior! In a different way but I was still hiding in my own way. I hope you have a wonderful holiday!
Are you F***ing kidding me is how I felt about ten minutes ago after my coworker who I know has been trying to have third child which I have done my best to embrace and encourage tells me she is pregnant. Let me add she took a break from medication usage this summer so she could celebrate a milestone birthday and party up all summer! FFFFF***********************!
Feels great just letting it go!
ok, my “Are you f***ing kidding me??” moment for today.. Overheard a coworker talking about another coworker and asking when her daughter’s bday was as she couldn’t remember. Well the new mom replies, hmm.. I don’t know.. I could text John ( her husband) and then said, yeah, I think April 9th ( which was the correct date) Mind you this new mother had to go through ART and was “desperate” to have a child. Yet she either isn’t so concerned about this child’s first bday or , even worse, plays stupid because she thinks it’s “cute” to look stupid?? Really, I just want to say to her, Are you f***ing kidding me???
Lori I just said are you fing kidding me to your post! How do you not know your own kids birthday. I know the time of my daughter’s birth! Jeez, I guess from personal experience my dad could never remember my birthday. He in all reality lives in an orphan state much of the time due to his horrible up bringing. Gosh I thought I let his unknowing of my birthday pass but this has stirred up my some orphans! Thanks for a small miracle today! Work with that angry and sad orphan this evening!
OH – I would think I would know the exact time, date and even the weather of the day my own child was born, which is why this story irritated me so much. Especially knowing her struggle to get her. I do apologize that the story brought out an orphan for you . While I’m sorry that your dad had difficulty remembering your birthday I think it was such a beautiful statement about he lives in an orphan state most of the time. It’s been through this work that I have recognized not only my own orphans but my family (parents most importantly) are shadowed by their own orphans 24/7 and don’t even know it. This in turns leaves us to heal our family line I guess.
I’ve been doing The Orphans Body Truth a lot lately. Somebody sent me a link today that pretty much captures the sound that comes out from the orphan. And it hits the nail on the head as we head into this holiday season. So I thought I would share it, as if may also be something others relate to. http://ifunny.co/fun/inOaUuWW2
Right up there with Are you f@cking kidding me?!?! As I have posted on the forums I am trying to survive a holiday season that. “should have been” about delivering a real physical baby. Instead, I feel like I am giving birth to this monumental amount of pain that makes me want to scream like the grinch in the link I just posted. And I feel like are you f@cking kidding me?!?! (Screamed to the universe) is probably one of the things I would say. Thank you Julia for creating this space for release.
LOVE this video clip!!! Don’t we all want to do that scream?? I do it sometimes in the car, as I know that no one can hear me!
I have played this and screamed along half a dozen times this week alone. Lol
OMG!!! Who videotaped me during yoga? ha ha ha. Bailey, this is CLASSIC! I want this on my phone so I can watch it all the time. Love it!
Well, it maybe feels a little dangerous to me to talk about this subject. I have always been the mild-mannered peace maker (really my whole nuclear family and even my husband avoids conflicts of many kinds). But I know that I have an angry orphan inside because sometimes the anger does flare up and comes out in unhealthy ways, like yelling at my daughter.
I think for the most part the angry part of me has for years only presented itself in tears and depression. I’m not sure how to give it voice. I will try singing the song along with the youtube video.
I have been using the body truth Welcome Home as Julia suggested to me. It does seem to help bring out some emotions, though usually I cannot name my strongest emotion.
I’m not sure I can answer Julia’s question “something or someone that really gets to you” but I will think about it some more.
Maybe this fits. I feel my parents don’t accept me for who I am. That certainly makes me sad. Does it make me angry? I feel they want to glaze everything over with an “everything is ok and still perfect” glaze, even when it’s not. That does make me angry. Why can’t they face that not everything fits into their perfect little world? I have always felt that I didn’t. I got married late. My brothers already had children. I voted the opposite politically from them. And I don’t fit into their religious expectations. I’m not the good little Christian girl that fits into the church and believes everything she is supposed to believe. So there!
That’s as close as I can get for now.
Peace and Power to all the Fertile Mamas out there!
Janeen
J., you don’t need to name “your strongest emotional reaction.” Experiencing it,being present for it, witnessing it with the unconditional compassion of the UM is more than enough.
Hello ,I’m new to this website so I hope I’m posting in the right place.
I just wanted to say I love this song. I have had so many moments when I wanted to say are you f***ing kidding me? especially at work . One of my co-workers is trying to get pregnant and she has the audacity of asking me so when are you ovulating ? and are you still trying?
so after having the teleconference last Monday and talking with Julia. I finally told her to stop asking me. During the circle Julia posted a wonderful question regarding dealing with difficult feelings . Her question was. How both dangerous and incredibly healing is to open your heart and allow yourself to love? why is it so scary to be fully present?. Personally my answer to this question is that because I have been hurt in the past . I’m afraid of opening my heart again. I was asked to reflect on what would be my next rooted visionary action and let me tell you I did the field of creation imagery and It really helped me. I was able to do something that I was fearful of doing because I knew it was going to cause me pain. I had a long talk with my father . He is an amazing person but he had a rough childhood. He is in a deep depression over loosing his business and has a problem with alcohol and has been living with me for the past 6 months. Needless to say his depression is started to affect me and my therapist put it all in perspective when she told me . you are having difficulty conceiving because there is no room for a baby in your life. your father is your baby!so on Tuesday after the visionary moms conference I told my father how much I loved him. We both remembered situations that have been very painful to us. we cried and at the end we gave each other a big hug and we started to make plans for him to move to Florida. So I have to thank you Julia because taking with my dad was very healing and going to that dangerous place that at the same time is healing was wonderful. I was afraid to open my heart but now I know that a painful experience can also be a healing experience.
Welcome Paula and thank you for engaging and sharing your healing with your Dad. I’m so glad the Imagery and the Visionary Teleconference was helpful in choosing to take this next step.
OMG, best song ever!!! Often times I think I’m actually the one who coined this phrase since I use it on a daily basis, lol. Last night’s Are you f***ing kidding me moment belongs to my obsession with reality tv. I admit, I watched Snooki and Jwoww (from Jersey Shore) Well , these party girls have grown up (sort of ) and are now both young mothers. I actually enjoy them for some reason, maybe because they seem to just roll with the punches? Anyhow, last night Jenni was learning how to take care of her 2 week old daughter and her boyfriend was so in love with this tiny creature that he was basically crying at every thing she did. He was amazed at how fatherhood made him feel and couldn’t understand why he thought he never wanted it. So I said.. Are you f***ing me?? These kids partied to the point of drunken arrests, are “famous” for nothing, getting pregnant “by accident” and I AM the 44 yr old home watching this trying to meet my baby half way??? ok, I have to laugh at myself for this but I definitely felt this way :) I think what I need to turn around is my tv habits, lol
Lori, I love your ARFKM moments. They are awesome. And I so agree. I see reality dorks like Honey BooBoo’s family, and I’m like, really??? YOU have all these kids? What the fu**???
Whoops, I mean “AUFKM.” Typed too fast. I was laughing at the Snookie/Jwoww comments.
OMG. I need to get off the computer. I seriously can’t type properly. It’s AYFKM. Dear Lord. I am a mess. ha ha.
I love this and I am pretty sure I used this line the other night when my angered orphan was stirred up from family interactions. I love the phrase because it can go either way like joyful or like jaw dropping fire raging mad for me! I had a recent interaction with my control, anger, and sad orphans all that come out right before my period. I was like who runs this S*** show and I told myself sure as Hell no visionary rooted things are taking place in the last week wow I don’t think I have ever really let myself feel all those emotions but then check myself at the door. I really want to love them but also not let them lead every cycle!
Thanks for the post!
That song is so well written.
What really gets to me is when a person asks me to do something to help them out but then back on their word when the opposite is convenient for that person, which ultimately made things inconvenient for me.
Are you f*ckin kidding me?
I loved this video !!
Well as of today or to be precise at this moment, no one is getting to me. Surprisingly I had 3 incidents from Monday morning, which I didn’t react the way I usually expect me to react. I did thank everyone who showed me my orphans after yesterday’s imagery. Even when we did claiming your inheritance during our call, surprisingly I didnt see anyone supporting my orphan state, but I saw that the conversations spurred my orphans out of the hiding, so I thanked them as they were my healers.
So my are you f—ing me moment came courtesy of an orphan rooted action yesterday and today. I woke up Tuesday morning ( after a another great teleconference) feeling icky and annoyed. When I went to the bathroom and wiped I noticed a brownish/pinkish streak ( I am on cycle day 15).So my orphan immediately assumes my body has screwed up yet again… can’t do anything right… this only happens to me.. everyone else is pregnant… So my next (re)action is to ask Dr. Google/ Ask.com for insight ( to fix me/cure me/save me- yes- very orphan rooted indeed)
Within an hour I have self-diagnosed myself with peri-menopause, ovulation spotting, luteal phase defect, cysts, fibroids,cancer etc. Then when the colored changed to a brownish, I repeated my actions. As the day wore on, I noticed pink in my FCM so naturally I google that. Flash forward to this early this morning, I repeated most of my actions.
As I was in the shower this morning, utterly spent and exhausted emotionally, I realized that I had engaged in an completely orphan rooted action and a horrible act of self- hate/loathing. I really had to process why I assume that I have ” failed” when realistically I cannot control my bodily functions.
Over the past 2 days I have alternated between weeping and being angry and finally I looked in the mirror and said to myself ” Heather.. are you done yet? because I am f—ing exhausted.” Having spent hours on my laptop, cell phone, and tablet… I realized that are you f—ing moment came as a result of my fear and self loathing, both things I need to work on with my v/um.
As a side note- it did make me appreciate ( yet again) the FH community . The other fertility websites that popped on goggle/ask seemed full of panic and desperate hollow communication. Engaging with my orphans is never easy but it has it own type if healing.
My snowflake of healing came today from FH about this blog accompanied by beautiful pictures of Anna’s twins, and Summer’s daughter. The timing was truly divine. Thank you fertile heart, fertile mama’s and Julia.
I love what you’ve said Heather. I have done exactly this on so many occasions, spent hours on the internet, sickening myself stupid with all that I have wrong with me! Justifying to myself the hours I’ve wasted looking for: the answers, the wisdom, the why’s, with possibility of finding the cure! The bit I haven’t tried is looking in the mirror and confronting myself – I will do now – its just what the doctor ordered!
I could have written this! I so understand the urge to feed orphans with Dr. Google. It’s horrible, yet I can’t seem to help it. But good for you for seeing it and saying stop it. Love that! If I had all the time back that I wasted freaking out online, I would live to be 209.
This is inspiring me to use the line “are you F**ing kidding me” a bit more and admit the hurt, so I can be received and receive more fully. Thank you for reminding me of the connection.
I love this video! I love the line are you “f***ing kidding me?” Yes someone has gotten to me. I shared recently how a family member’s boyfriend said to my husband and I that we were just jealous of their pregnancy because we lost ours.
I tend to forget in moments of anger to allow the room for anger. but you are correct! It brought on a very big response in me. So I guess I can see him as my healer (and an a-hole b/c I still feel that too).
Also I have a piece of my homework here. Two sentences I wish I had said to my RE recently: #1. I have found this practice that I believe can help improve my egg quality and here is the website you should check it out. #2. I would like to see and explore if I could use this practice along with your medical advise and see if we could find a path to have a baby. I am not entirely sure I do want to do ART ( I did say this last sentence but did not mention FH tools specifically).
However if I see her again I will correct my mistake! I promise you that.
I love that line too Katy! And I really appreciate you wanting to share this work with your RE. And I also want to cheer you on in allowing yourself to fully experience how the quality of your entire “ovum” is affected especially by those “dangerous actions” you take on your behalf. When you speak up, when you feel you are sharing more than you should. You and I are the “ovum” the egg. Nothing is separate in it. The more sensitive you are, the more dangerous it feels to keep engaging. But the fact is that each time you expose a fragile part of yourself you give someone else permission to do the same. And we all long for that. For the permission to be fully received, With all our O’s and our V’s.
Thank you for this Julia! Thank you for helping me see the Os that sometimes I am not able to see on my own!